10 Secrets Of Happy Couples

By Mark Goulston, M.D.

Happy couples know that the real relationship begins when the honeymoon is over. They know that unless you maintain the garden of love, its beauty will wither and die. In a recent column, you discovered the 10 relationship mistakes to avoid. Now discover the 10 things that happy couples do:

1. Go to bed at the same time.
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to go to bed with each other?
Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times.
They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests.
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don’t minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side.
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode.
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong.
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work.
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning.
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel.
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a “weather” check during the day.
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner.
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact — hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Even if these actions don’t come naturally, happy couples stick with them until they do become a part of their relationship. They know that it takes
30 days for a change in behavior to become a habit, and a minimum of six months for a habit to become a way of life and love. Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany.com and the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).

Honorable Manhood

Closing moments from the 1st segment of Ken Burns “Civil War”. Letter from Sullivan Ballou to his wife just before his death. Unfortunately, Sarah never received the letter. Sullivan’s letter was not found until years after the war… and Sarah’s death.

To the hope that there is a universal feeling of undying love in all of us.

July the 14th, 1861
Washington DC

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death — and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and “the name of honor that I love more than I fear death” have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar — that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night — amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father’s love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God’s blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

Seven Things No One Tells You About Marriage

Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, “This is so not what I signed up for.”

Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale.

2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes work,” you assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naivete, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done — it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

“It’s like losing weight,” says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. “You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it’s a lifestyle. That’s marriage. The effort is a forever thing.” So don’t be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you’re struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds “Never go to bed angry” doesn’t know what it’s like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I’ve got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I’ve found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you’re both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. “This was a huge lesson for me,” says Andrea. “As women we’ve been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I’d let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day.”

4. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It’s really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It’s just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more “right” I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he’s right most of the time (go figure!). So we’d lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband’s. “I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage,” says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. “Now I see that I’m not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There’s more gray in life than I thought, and that’s taught me patience and the value of compromise.”

5. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won’t break us; they’ll only make us stronger.

6. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the ’80s sci-fi cult classic “Making Mr. Right?” When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich’s android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

7. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, “I’ll call you at 8.” Then, just to try to trip me up, he’d call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn’t figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn’t happen.

I’d like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I’ve come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I’ve had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.

That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

Reprinted from Yahoo Personals

12 Bad Boy Types

Ok ladies.. this one’s for you… and guys. If you thought there was just one kind of Mr. Wrong, think again. The authors of “He’s Just NO Good for You,” Beth Wilson with Mo Therese Hannah, Ph.D., present a dozen destructive men whom you’re better off not having in your love life. There are some surprising types among them — “the nice guy,” “the pillar of the community” and “the self-righteous progressive.” I’m not sure there’s anything left.. but a good read nonetheless.

Adapted excerpt from “He’s Just NO Good for You”
From GPP Life, an imprint of The Globe Pequo

The Corrector

He’s always amending your opinions to fit his own — insisting you like the same things he does, when he knows that isn’t really the case, and he readily hints about his preferences until you catch on and comply. While you may think of him as particular or fussy, the truth is, he cannot tolerate views that differ from his. The onslaught of questions like, “Why don’t you wear the red dress?” can be never-ending, but the corrector isn’t really looking for answers so much as trying to herd you into submission.

The Charmer

A dictionary might describe a charmer as someone who has the power to please others through his personality. While these men may be adept at figuring out what you like, once the charmer attaches himself, flattery and humor can be used to manipulate. Sadly, when you try to tell others what you’re experiencing, they often don’t believe “such a great guy” could do such a bad thing. Once you catch on to his charming façade, it can be maddening to see him charm the pants off of others.

The “Nice Guy”

Genuinely good guys are kind, considerate, loyal, loving, playful, humorous, sweet individuals who truly like women and like anyone else can have bad days, grouchy moods and occasional tempers. The difference between real nice guys and destructive men who successfully play the nice guy is that for the latter, the negative characteristics are the norm. They can be impatient, bossy, judgmental and self-absorbed. Perhaps more important, there is an underlying agenda designed to keep a woman down.

The Pillar of the Community

Graduated with honors; loved by his management team; pitched in to help orchestrate the local holiday parade … the profile is perfect. However, it’s woefully incomplete. These seemingly credible men have money or prestige or power, or all three, which makes them look very good from the outside. This kind of guy often uses subtle forms of verbal abuse, mind games and emotional terrorism as tools of control that go completely unnoticed by others, who are too busy admiring his new car.

The Control Freak

Perhaps he calls your cell phone or e-mails you repeatedly, as if to prove his love and offer signs of affection. But the questions are always the same: “Where are you? Who’s with you?” He presents his controlling behaviors as concerned overtures or love, but in reality, he’s grooming you to respond to his beck and call whether it’s through cyberspace, phone signals or face-to-face conversations. You might feel something’s wrong, but you feel wanted, so it’s often easier to just accept his controlling behavior.

The Abuser

This guy’s basic world view is that men are superior to women. These types often have dangerous tempers, can easily form a fist if a woman will not bend to their will and are notorious for grabbing too hard, accosting with “love taps” to remind us who’s stronger, pulling hair, throwing objects close to us, and so on. For the abuser, verbal, psychological and physical violence are simply a way of life.

The Passive-Aggressive

These men habitually send mixed messages in order to string you along. They contradict themselves in the same sentence, and characteristically have an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility that’s hidden under the guises of innocence, generosity or, more likely passivity. Like a perpetual teenager, these men need an adversary — someone whose demands and expectations they can resist in order to work out their aggression and feel powerful in some small way. And that someone is usually YOU.

The Self-Righteous Progressive

These seemingly liberal-minded fellows tend to travel in academic, social-justice and political circles, but they are much better at talking about high principles than actually incorporating them into their lives. These progressive types have an uncanny ability to gloss over their own behavior as they focus on the wrongdoing of others who display the same psychological and emotional warfare. This type of man is alluring because it appears that he wants to make the world a better place. Yet, he doesn’t want to afford you the same rights he fights for so vehemently on the political or social scene.

The New Age Man

The New Age Man has probably been in therapy to “work on himself,” and he’s attracted to a wide range of feel-good pseudo-religions. If he has problems with substance abuse, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, infidelity, anger management, controlling and manipulative behaviors, he manages to avoid dealing with them. Instead, he prays harder, meditates more frequently and indulges in yet another self-help book. Rather than taking a look at themselves, these men “correct” our views, invalidate our feelings and belittle us in condescending tones with their superior intellect and “spiritual knowledge.”

The Narcissist

Inevitably, the narcissist always finds a way to bring the focus back to himself. Repeatedly trying to connect with narcissists is abusive to your essential self, because they’re not interested in you, except for what you provide for them. Narcissists are known to judge others in their households for annoying behaviors that they themselves may have exhibited just a few minutes earlier. When they feel you are not providing them with your full attention, they respond with guilt-inducing tirades, put-downs and reasons to dramatically leave the house so they don’t have to put up with your “foul” treatment.

The Predator

These types range from callow and calculating con men to full-blown sociopaths. No matter where a man falls on the spectrum — and even though he may not blatantly exhibit the extreme behavior commonly thought to be the providence of the sociopath — the core characteristics are the same: ruthless, coldhearted, deceptive, narcissistic and devoid of genuine empathy and compassion. Though the word “sociopath” conjures up images of ruthless criminal assailants, it’s important to remember that an estimated one in 25 people is a sociopath, with no capacity to love or empathize.

The Addict

Addictions are generous diseases. They not only change the addict but also “infect” those close to him. The addict’s unpredictability, his withdrawal from those close to him, his verbal battering and mercurial moods all create a tense environment with which those who remain nearby must contend. In these situations, you feel alone, and you usually are. After all, the man you’ve been living with, dating or married has his primary relationship with whatever his addiction is, not with you.

Adapted excerpt from “He’s Just NO Good for You”
From GPP Life, an imprint of The Globe Pequot Press

Advice From The Dalai Lama

It’s been making the rounds, so I figured, why not here for those who haven’t seen this list before. Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rules: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Are They “The One”?

This has to be some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever read courtesy of eHarmony.com. How do you know if you’ve met “the one”? That’s a hard one to figure, but here are nine characteristics that go a long way in helping you decide if you have made that special connection everyone always yearns for in life.

1) You’re Not Chasing the Relationship’s Potential

Many people have romantic relationships fraught with obstacles. On a basic level, the relationship is satisfactory, but there always seems to be something standing in the way of true happiness: a stressful job, an annoying ex, a distasteful habit. Both people feel that once the obstacle is removed, they’ll be truly content together.

Unfortunately, relationships don’t work that way. Once the problem is resolved, another one pops up. And—surprise!—the couple is still unhappy.

What people may not realize is that if they are waiting for true happiness in their relationship, then they are in the wrong relationship. Landing a better job may make life easier financially, but no amount of money will help two people who just aren’t a good fit for each other.

The truth is, a happy, well-adjusted couple doesn’t have to chase what could be or should be. A good relationship just is.

2) Who You Are Is Good Enough

You know you’ve met the one when your partner loves you for who you are. We know it sounds pretty cliché, but like all clichés, it’s true. “The One’s” admiration of you is so powerful that it’s almost as if he or she is awestruck by your very presence. He takes great pride in the choices you’ve made. She finds you smart, sexy, fun to be with, and so on. You never have to try to impress “The One” because you’ve already done that by just being you.

3) You Manage Conflict Well

Let’s say we have two couples that have been together for the same amount of time. Couple A fights regularly. Couple B has never argued in the history of their relationship. Which couple do you think a relationship counselor would say is at greater risk?

That’s right: Couple B. Upon closer examination, you’ll find that someone in the relationship—perhaps both parties—isn’t being forthcoming. Someone’s needs and wants aren’t being voiced and therefore aren’t being addressed.

Couple A, on the other hand, makes it a point to bring up topics that are bothersome or dissatisfying within the relationship. This couple regularly engages in respectful, healthy conflict—without insults or throwing things—and comes out the other side a stronger couple that gains a deeper understanding of one another with each conflict they resolve together. How much a couple fights isn’t the issue, unless they don’t fight at all. It’s how a couple manages conflicts that determines how well the relationship works.

4) The Mundane Is Suddenly Interesting

If you’re spending time with someone who really is “The One,” then you probably want to pay attention to even the smallest details of his or her life. Specifics from his work interest you, stories about his childhood hold your attention, and even old photos or home movies fascinate you.

When this happens, then this person is likely much more to you than a ship passing in the night.

5) There’s Minimal Drama—or None at All

Like we said above when we talked about conflict, even the healthiest relationships deal with their share of arguments. So when we say that there’s not a lot of drama in your relationship, we don’t mean that the two of you never fight.

But when you do, you do your best to fight fair. You admit when you’re wrong, you listen to each other, you acknowledge one another’s good points, and you apologize when you cross lines. It’s not that you have to be perfect, but if this person is “The One,” then you are at least trying to make your conflict work for your relationship rather than against it.

So if you two are dealing with constant drama, where one of you is trying to create high emotions to manipulate the other or where there’s constant turbulence without some sort of resolution, then be careful about fully committing to the relationship at this point. High drama is a definite red flag when it comes to long-term relationship success.

6) Your Friends and Family See What You See

If the people who love you the most are begging you to get away from someone, then that person’s probably not the one for you. On the other hand, if the people you trust also see what you see in this person and encourage the relationship, then that’s a good sign that you two may belong together.

Of course, sometimes your friends and family may choose someone for you whom you haven’t chosen. They may push for a relationship that you have no interest in pursuing. In these cases, it’s not always wise to follow their advice.

But if you’re falling in love with someone whom the people in your life want you to be with, then there’s a good chance that this may be the real deal.

7) You Know How to Make Them Happy

When there’s a deep connection between two people, they each know what the other wants and needs. So ask yourself this question about the person in your life: Do you know what it takes to make him or her happy? Think about minor, moment-by-moment issues, like where that person likes to eat and what kind of back rub he or she enjoys.

Additionally, think about larger matters as well: Do you know how to help her relieve stress? Can you get her to talk about her dreams and visions for the future? When she’s struggling at work or with a family issue, can you help her come through the storm and find the sun again? And, just as important, does your partner know how to do this for you as well? If so, that’s another reason to believe that you’ve found “The One.”

You Have the Same Life Priorities

Opposites may attract, but they rarely make for a good long-term relationship. Compatibility really is key when it comes to creating a deep and lasting connection between two people.

For example, if you want to begin preparing for the future and building toward certain life and career goals, but your partner mainly wants to make enough money so that he or she can party this weekend, then you two are probably working with fairly different priorities.

And the opposite it is true, too: If your priorities match up well, then you two have a much better chance of long-term happiness and fulfillment together.

9) You Respect the Person Deeply

Mutual respect is crucial for a healthy relationship. Without that respect, there’s simply no way to create and build a secure foundation so that you can enjoy all of the benefits of a deep and strong relationship.

But when you respect your partner and he or she respects you, the relationship has a strong chance at thriving, and all the aspects of your connection blossom. The communication improves. The commitment deepens. The trust multiplies. The satisfaction level goes through the roof.

And that all begins with a mutual respect that emerges because you like each other and because you appreciate the way you live your individual lives.

So as you try to figure out whether you’ve found “The One,” take a look at this list. If you can check off each of the above items, then you owe it to yourself to allow the relationship to become all that it can possibly be.

eHarmony.com

A Closely Guarded Secret

“Be Warned!”, says the author. Here’s a clip described as a “Devastating tactic of the Elite Persuaders revealed. Do not view if you disapprove of covert persuasion techniques.” Well, it caught my eye and I have my opinion, but you take a look and you decide.

The Body Language Of Love

Communication is more than just words. In fact words are only a small part of communication. One study looked at the influence of words, voice and gestures and found that the message was made up of:

* 7 per cent words
* 38 per cent audible, non-verbal communication (such as voice tone, stress, pace and pitch)
* 55 percent visual, non-verbal communication (such as body gestures, postures and facials expressions).

So what’s good and bad when it comes to body language and the opposite sex?

Smile
Scientists have concluded that the single, simplest expression a person can make with their face that lands positively with another person is the smile. It crosses religions, cultures and races. The most important thing is to make it real.

Behavioral researchers have found that fake smiles are controlled by the cerebral cortex - the conscious part of the brain - but it usually only triggers the muscles in the cheeks that pull back the corners of the mouth.

Genuine smiles are produced automatically by the unconscious brain. It makes the mouth muscles move as in a fake smile, but also contracts the muscles that raise the cheeks causing the eyes to crease up.

When you see someone giving you a fake smile, this is what you’re unconsciously noting - that the smile hasn’t reached the eyes - and if you’re talking to a woman, I daresay it’s off-putting to them.

The way you walk
I can tell you more about a guy from the way he walks than just about anything.

Some men walk like they’re apologizing for even being on the earth, they scurry, while other guys strut around like they’re on the verge of a fistfight and others just seem to glide, natural owners of all they survey.

The way you walk announces your world view more plainly than just about any other aspect of body language, so I invite you to slow your thoughts down next time you’re walking on the street and feel the way you move.

Look at other men: do you see that creepy dude shuffling on the train platform? How about the young punk, chest puffed out, full of false bravado? Can you see the middle-aged businessman, shoulders slumped by the stress of his job and the wasteland of his marriage?

The more you notice these things in other men, the more you’ll able to recognize similarities in how you walk.

Now take a moment to watch an athlete next time you’re near one - not the young bucks, but the older guys who’ve proven themselves on the field, or the skateboard ramp or in the surf - see the way they move in their own time?

Turn on ESPN or FoxSports and watch the way guys like rugby league player Darren Lockyer, AFL star Chris Judd, basketballer Dwayne Wade, NFL quarterback Tom Brady, soccer players like David Beckham walk. They have an economy of movement and awareness of the space their bodies are taking up. Most of all, they do things in their own time.

This is something you can actively practice at the most boring of times: when you’re walking to get a sandwich, when you’re on the way to work; slow it down, stroll, push your shoulders back, pull your chin up, survey the world, own it. Eventually it will become second nature.

Move slowly, take up space, don’t fidget
This bears repeating: only forest animals and guys wearing tight underpants move too quickly. Fidgeting makes you look nervous or unhinged or like you’re waiting for a drug dealer.

Concentrate on slowing down all your movement and becoming more deliberate in your actions. Don’t touch your face and fuss with your hair. Stop adjusting your shirt and picking your underpants out of your crack.

If someone says something to you, don’t snap your head like an eager pup; turn slowly. And for Christ’s sake, don’t jiggle your leg. Women hate leg-jigglers.

My former colleague, Jack Marx, once wrote: “Here was a man who knew where every part of his life was, at any given moment.” Imagine George Clooney at the bar. Hold that thought.

Don’t cradle your drink
Some men carry their beer around like it’s a baby’s bottle, clutched to their chest in front of their heart. It’s very defensive. Lower your drink and hold it by the rim at your hip or leg like you’re a gunslinger.

Have a wide stance
Stand with your feet at least six inches wider than your hips. It makes you seem more grounded, rooted to the earth. And again, keep your shoulders back, but relaxed. This is your kingdom.

Don’t stare … but hold people’s gazes
This is another thing you can practice when you’re going just about anywhere - hold people’s gazes. Practice it and see if you can keep eye contact with someone until they look away. It’s a very powerful signal of dominance and one that women recognize instinctively.

If you look at a woman and, as soon as she looks at you, you flick your eyes away like you’ve been doing something suspicious, you come off as creepy or sneaky. If you’re talking to a woman and you don’t make eye contact at all, you’ll land as insecure.

Examine what you are doing. You’re admiring a woman. There is nothing wrong with this, so don’t be ashamed of it or the impulse that causes you to want to do it; it’s perfectly natural.

What you do need to consider is how it makes the other person feel, so extended staring at women - ogling if you will - is a no-no, especially if the woman is by herself and she could feel threatened.

Don’t ‘peck’
My friend who’s a date doctor introduced me to this concept and you’ll see it every time you walk into a pub. Men leaning into women’s conversations - or pecking like chickens - anxious they’ll miss what a girl is saying to them.

Tilt your head yes, but as a rule you should lean back from women and let them fill the space between you. Which is also why you …

Don’t stand too close
This is such a turn-off to men and women, the TV show Seinfeld even dedicated an episode to the “close talker”. Don’t invade other people’s space, give them a good neutral zone to work with. Once a woman is comfortable with you, feel free to move into this zone.

Mirror
Psychologists have shown that when we feel accord with a person - when we like them or want them to like us - we will unconsciously mimic their body language.

Men do it with men (observe a table full of guys with the hands clasped behind their heads), women with women and males and females do it in mixed company.

Personally, I think if you’re trying to mirror a woman during a conversation, you’re over-thinking things. It is however, a good way to recognize when a girl is feeling empathy with you - you look across the table and she’ll be unconsciously copying your body posture.

This is a good sign.

From the 32nd edition of the Australian Surf Lifesaving Training Manual

276 Questions To Ask Before Saying “I Do”

Found this the other day… questions to ask your potential mate for life… before you decide to make the big leap into marriage. I know. They sound a lot like a job interview, but probably worth the effort to try to slide’em in a normal kind of way, although, number 69 might be a challenge… Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?

WORK

1. Are you working on your chosen field?

2. How many hours a week do you work?

3. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?)

4. What is your dream job?

5. Have you ever been called a workaholic?

6. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?

7. Have you ever been fired?

8. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?

9. Do you consider your work a career or just a job?

10. Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

HOME

11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

12. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?

13. Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condo living, with a management company responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?

14. Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?

15. Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?

16. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?

17. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

18. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?

19. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?

20. What is your annual income?

21. Do you pay alimony or child support?

22 Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?

23. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?

24. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person’s salary?

25. Who should handle the finances in your family?

26. Do you have significant debts?

27. Do you gamble?

28. Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?

29. Have you ever been called cheap or stingy?

30. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you’re on a tight budget?

31. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?

32. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

RELATIONSHIP HISTORY

33. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear?

34. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?

35. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn?

36. Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss?

37. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you’re not proud of?

36. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not talked about in your current relationship?

39. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?

40. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you?

41. Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future?

42. Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn’t go through with the wedding?

43. Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment?

44. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you?

SEX

45. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge.

46. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?

47. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?

48. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?

48. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex?

50. Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try and help you feel better?

51. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to “keep the peace”? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to “keep the peace”?

52. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?

53. Do you enjoy viewing pornography?

54. How often do you need or expect sex?

55. Have you ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex?

56. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HEALTH

57. How would you describe the current state of your health?

58. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?

58. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows?

60. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness?

61. Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance?

62. Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week?

63. Do you play sports or take exercise classes?

64. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship?

65. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?

66. Have you ever been in a serious accident?

67. Do you take medication?

68. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?

69. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?

70. Do you see a therapist?

71. Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked?

72. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree?

73. How much alcohol do you drink every week?

74. Do you use recreational drugs?

75. Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?

76. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

APPEARANCE

77. How important is it that you always look your best?

78. How important is your spouse’s appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical “type”?

70. Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo?

80. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse’s weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?

81. How much money do you spend on clothing every year?

82. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?

83. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks?

84. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss?

85. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or “chemistry” ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

PARENTHOOD

86. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?

87. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?

88. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?

88. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally?

90. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wife has an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion?

91. Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption?

92. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?

93. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer?

94. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?

95. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child’s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools?

96. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?

97. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?

96. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?

97. How would you handle it if you didn’t like your child’s friends?

98. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?

99. How would you handle it if you didn’t like your child’s friends?

100. In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children?

101. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it’s your choice, or does your partner have a say?

102. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

EXTENDED FAMILIES

103. Are you close to your family?

104. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?

105. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?

106. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past - the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?

107. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other’s families?

106. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?

109. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?

110. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

FRIENDS

111. Do you have a best friend?

112. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day?

113. Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?

114. If your friends need you, are you there for them?

115. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?

116. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?

117. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?

118. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

PETS

119. Are you an animal lover?

120. Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet?

121. Is your attitude “Love me, love my dog [cat; potbellied pig]?”

122. Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal?

123. Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship?

124. Do you consider pets members of your family?

125. Have you ever been jealous of a partner’s relationship with a pet?

126. Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

POLITICS

127. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action?

128. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?

128. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election?

130. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage?

131. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?

132. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women’s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).

133. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNITY

134. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?

135. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?

136. Do you regularly participate in community projects?

137. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?

138. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?

139. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?

CHARITY

140. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?

141. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity?

142. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the “haves” of the world to help the “have-nots”?

143. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MILITARY

144. Have you served in the military?

145. Have your parents or other relatives served in the military?

146. Would you want your children to serve in the military?

147. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action?

148. Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

THE LAW

149. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?

150. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?

151. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?

152. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?

153. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?

154. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.

156. Do you believe it’s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?

156. Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?

157. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEDIA

158. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)?

159. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is?

100. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?

161. Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

RELIGION

162. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?

163. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?

164. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?

185. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised?

166. Do you believe in life after death?

167. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?

168. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person?

169. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion?

170. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?

171. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?

172. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice?

173. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

CULTURE

174. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life?

175. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities?

176. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do? (By the way, if they do, maybe it’s because they are living their lives, while you are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to live your own life?)

177. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and watch them at home?

178. What is your favorite style of music?

179. Do you attend concerts featuring your favorite musicians?

180. Do you enjoy going to museums or art shows?

181. Do you like to dance?

182. Do you like to watch TV for entertainment?

183. Have attitudes or behaviors around popular culture ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LEISURE

184. What is your idea of a fun day?

185. Do you have a hobby that’s important to you?

186. Do you enjoy spectator sports?

187. Are certain seasons off-limits for other activities because of football, baseball, basketball, or other sports?

168. What activities do you enjoy that don’t involve your partner? How important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure activities?

189. How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities?

190. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?

191. Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

192. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you’ll do something wrong or people won’t have a good time?

193. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you?

194. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home?

195. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present?

196. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize with a diverse mix of people?

197. Are you usually the “life of the party,” or do you dislike being singled out for attention?

198. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other’s behavior at a social function?

199. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS

286. Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?

201. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?

202. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?

203. Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

TRAVEL / VACATIONS

204. Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody?

205. Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning?

206. How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses?

207. Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it’s wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places?

206. Do you think it’s important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language?

209. Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

EDUCATION

210. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame?

211. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession?

212. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn’t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?

213. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?

214. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

TRANSPORTATION

215. Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car?

216. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your “castle”?

217. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car?

218. Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all?

219. How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car?

220. How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?

221. Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket?

222. Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNICATION

223. How much time do you spend on the phone every day?

224. Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry?

225. Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails?

226. Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why?

227. Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person?

228. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry?

229. Has modem communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEALTIME

230. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run?

231. Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? 232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner?

233. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?

234. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?

235. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?

236. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

GENDER ROLE

237. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this?

238. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?

239. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by “equality.”

340. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?

341. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well?

242. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?

RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES

243. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?

244. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed?

245. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?

246. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person?

247. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We aren’t born biased, we learn it, and it’s important to trace where it was learned.)

248. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship?

249. What were your family’s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?

250. Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?

251. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LIVING EVERY DAY

252. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?

213. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you?

254 Are you a physically affectionate person?

255. What is your favorite season of the year?

256. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?

257. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?

258. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action?

256. How much sleep do you need every night?

260. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?

261. What is your idea of perfect relaxation?

262. What makes you really angry? What do you do when you’re really angry?

263. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?

264. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?

265. What makes you most secure?

266. Do you fight fair? How do you know?

267. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens?

268. What is your greatest limitation?

269. What is your greatest strength?

270. What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring marriage?

271. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality?

272. What makes you most afraid?

273. What drains you of your joy and passion?

274. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?

275. What makes your heart smile in tough times?

276. What makes you feel the most alive?

The 15 Minute Relationship Rule

You decide… I’m still pondering this. A short vid by relationship consultant Helena Rosenberg who shares an easy exercise on considering your past serious relationships to ascertain if a potential romantic partner is a good match.

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The Other Side Of Life - Video

We’ve all had those days were we think we’re the center of the universe. Sometimes we become so self absorbed in our everyday lives and make the mistake of thinking the world is out to inconvenience us.

Check out this video for an alternative look. Maybe it’ll make you think the next time your impatiently standing or feel the world is out to get you.

Why aren’t we all Good Samaritans?

Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, asks why we aren’t more compassionate more of the time.

Can’t We Talk?

A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her husband and asked, “Would you like to stop for a coffee?”

“No, thanks,” he answered truthfully. So they didn’t stop.

The result? The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop, became annoyed because she felt her preference had not been considered. The husband, seeing his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn’t she just say what she wanted?

Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question not to get an instant decision, but to begin a negotiation. And the woman didn’t realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and woman interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it’s no wonder they can find themselves leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.

As a specialist in linguistics, I have studied how the conversational styles of men and women differ. We cannot lump all men or all women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play.

Whenever I write or speak about this subject, people tell me they are relieved to learn that what has caused them trouble - and what they had previously ascribed to personal failings - is, in fact, very common.

Learning about the different though equally valid conversational frequencies men and women are tuned to can help banish the blame and help us truly talk to one another. Here are some of the most common areas of conflict:

Status vs. Support.

Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from pushing them around. For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange confirmation and support.

I saw this when my husband and I had jobs in different cities. People frequently made comments like, “That must be rough,” and “How do you stand it?” I accepted their sympathy and sometimes even reinforced it, saying, “The worst part is having to pack and unpack al the time.”

But my husband often reacted with irritation. Our situation had advantages, he would explain. As academics, we had four-day weekends together, as well as long vacations throughout the year and four months in the summer.

Everything he said was true, but I didn’t understand why he chose to say it. He told me that some of the comments implied: “Yours is not a real marriage. I am superior to you because my wife and I have avoided your misfortune.” Until then it had not occurred to me there might be an element of one- upmanship.

I now see that my husband was simply approaching the world as many men do: as a place where people try to achieve and maintain status. I, on the other hand, was approaching the world as many women do: as a network of connections seeking support and consensus.

Independence vs. Intimacy.

Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation.

When Josh’s old high-school friend called him at work to say he’d be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he told Linda they were having a house guest.

Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans without discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. “Why don’t you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?” she asked.

Josh replied, “I can’t tell my friend, ‘I have to ask my wife for permission’!”

To Josh, checking with his wife would mean he was not free to act on his own. It would make him feel like a child or an underling. But Linda actually enjoys telling someone, “I have to check with Josh.” It makes her feel good to show that her life is intertwined with her husband’s.

Advice vs. Understanding.

Eve had a benign lump removed from her breast. When she confided to her husband, Mark, that she was distressed because the stitches changed the contour of her breast, he answered, “You can always have plastic surgery.”

This comment bothered her. “I’m sorry you don’t like the way it looks,” she protested. “But I’m not having any more surgery!”

Mark was hurt and puzzled. “I don’t care about a scar,” he replied. “It doesn’t bother me at all.”

“Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?” she asked.

“Because you were upset about the way it looks.”

Eve felt like a heel. Mark had been wonderfully supportive throughout her surgery. How could she snap at him now?

The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. Mark thought he was reassuring Eve by telling her there was something she could do about her scar. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.

When my mother tells my father she doesn’t feel well, he invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.

Information vs. Feelings.

A cartoon shows a husband opening a newspaper and asking his wife, “Is there anything you’d like to say to me before I start reading the paper?” We know there isn’t - but that as soon as the man begins reading, his wife will think of something.

The cartoon is funny because people recognize their own experience in it. What’s not funny is that many women are hurt when men don’t talk to them at home, and many men are frustrated when they disappoint their partners without knowing why.

Rebecca, who is happily married, told me this is a source of dissatisfaction with her husband, Stuart. When she tells him what she is thinking, he listens silently. When she asks him what is on his mind, he says, “Nothing.”

All Rebecca’s life she has had practice in verbalizing her feelings with friends and relatives. But Stuart has had practice in keeping his innermost thoughts to himself. To him, like most men, talk is information. He doesn’t feel that talk is required at home.

Yet many such men hold center stage in a social setting, telling jokes and stories. They use conversation to claim attention and to entertain. Women can wind up hurt that their husbands tell relative strangers things they have not told them.

To avoid this kind of misunderstanding, both men and women can make adjustments. A woman may observe a man’s desire to read the paper without seeing it is a rejection. And a man can understand a woman’s desire to talk without feeling it is a manipulative intrusion.

Orders vs. Proposals.

Diana often begins statements with “Let’s.” She might say “Let’s park over there” or “Let’s clean up now, before lunch.”

This makes Nathan angry. He has deciphered Diana’s “Let’s” as a command. Like most men, he resists being told what to do. But to Diana, she is making suggestions, not demands. Like most women, she formulates her requests as proposals rather than orders. Her style of talking is a way of getting others to do what she wants - but by winning agreement first.

With certain men, like Nathan, this tactic backfires. If they perceive someone is trying to get them to do something indirectly, they feel manipulated and respond more resentfully than they would to a straightforward request.

Conflict vs. Compromise.

In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes it’s far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict.

Dora was frustrated by a series of used cars she drove. It was she who commuted to work, but her husband, Hank, who chose the cars. Hank always went for cars that were “interesting” but in continual need of repair.

After Dora was nearly killed when her brakes failed, they were in the market for yet another used car. Dora wanted to buy a late-model sedan from a friend. Hank fixed his sights on a 15-year-old sports car. She tried to persuade Hank that it made more sense to buy the boring but dependable car, but he would not be swayed.

Previously she would have acceded to his wishes. This time Dora bought the boring but dependable car and steeled herself for Hanks’ anger. To her amazement, he spoke not a word of remonstrance. When she later told him what she had expected, he scoffed at her fears and said she should have done what she wanted from the start if she felt that strongly about it.

As Dora discovered, a little conflict won’t kill you. At the same time, men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt for less confrontation.

When we don’t see style differences for what they are, we sometimes draw unfair conclusions: “You’re illogical,” “You’re self- centered,” “You don’t care about me.” But once we grasp the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing disagreements from spiraling out of control.

Learning the other’s ways of talking is a leap across the communication gap between men and women, and a giant step towards genuine understanding.

by Deborah Tannen - condensed from: You Just Don’t Understand

Cleaner Sex

The Council of Contemporary Families (CCF) reports that American men have doubled the amount of housework they do and may be having better sex because of it.

“By and large, the more men do around the house, the happier women are,” said sociologist Scott Coltrane of the University of California, Riverside, a co-author of the report published.

Cleaning the pool

“When men do more of the housework, women’s perceptions of fairness and marital satisfaction rise and the couple experience less marital conflict,” the report says.

The reward for menfolk who help out around the house could be more sex. “We sociologists generally don’t go there, but therapists say there’s a direct correlation” between men doing more housework and the frequency of sex, said Coltrane.

In a comment posted on the CCF website, psychologist Joshua Coleman agreed that sharing household chores “is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction - and sometimes more sex, too!”

“Wives report greater feelings of sexual interest and affection for husbands who participate in housework,” Coleman, who is a senior fellow at the CCF, said.

Housework habits

In addition to doing more boring chores around the home, American men spend three times more time with their kids today than they did in 1960, the study said. The time women spend with their children has doubled, it said, speculating that both mothers and fathers have set higher parenting standards for themselves.

But all that time spent parenting could have a negative effect on a couple’s intimate relationship. “The increase in parenting hours on the part of both husbands and wives may pose some threats to the couple relationship since many couples have increased their time with their children by eliminating or greatly reducing time for romance,” Coleman wrote.

Happily, though, the phenomenon of men chipping in around the home appears to be global, Coltrane said, citing work by co-author Oriel Sullivan, a woman, who is a professor of sociology at Ben Gurion University in Israel.

“Men everywhere are doing more,” said Coltrane. “Even Italian men and Spanish men are doing more…not huge amounts but more than they used to,” he said.

Sexual equality

Even if men still lag far behind women in terms of what they do around the house, they are moving in the right direction and the gains are unlikely to be reversed, the report summarised.

“Men are still only doing half as much as women do, but we see the bar inching up and we think the process is irreversible,” said Coltrane.

The hard-earned gains have been made in spite of the poor social support system for working families in the United States, the report said.

“The U.S. guarantees no paid leave for mothers in any segment of the work force, leaving it in the company of only Lesotho, Liberia, Papua New Guinea, and Swaziland,” the report said, referencing a study published last month.

The full report on men and women sharing household tasks is to be presented at the CCF’s annual conference next month in Chicago.

Agence France-Presse

How Not To Cheat On Your Partner

When it comes to resisting sexual temptation and remaining faithful to your partner, The Beatles got it right: All you need is love.

Numerous studies have shown that humans are not especially self-restrained when it comes to gratification. We prefer to indulge in pleasure when opportunity arises.

Get it while you can

But when it comes to love and lust, this otherwise reliable human trait – ‘get it while you can’ – leads to a paradox: Why do people in stable relationships so often pass up the chance for a little sexual gratification on the side, even if they can get away with it?

To find out, psychologists led by Gian Gonzaga at the University of California in Los Angeles set up a test using 60 heterosexual undergraduates. These test subjects had been in relationships for at least three years, and were instructed to ogle a photograph of a hot babe or hunk of the opposite sex that they found especially attractive, taken from a popular dating site.

After writing a short essay on what they found alluring about the person in the picture, Gonzaga then divided his guinea pigs into three groups.

The first was asked to write about the moment when they had felt the strongest feeling of love for their current partner, while the second group had to recall their most memorable and intense sexual encounter. The third group had the freedom to write about whatever came to mind.

Mind matters

All the students were instructed, while writing, not to think about the good-looking guy or girl in the photo. But every time the tempter did pop into their minds while scribbling, the students had to tick a box.

As Gonzaga describes in a paper in the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour the group that focused on love, rather than lust, strayed in thoughts three times less than the group asked to describe the most memorable sexual encounter with their long-term partner.

Those given free rein with a pen apparently couldn’t keep their minds off the sexy photos, and ticked the box six times more than the “love” group.” Feeling love for your romantic partner appears to make everybody else less attractive,” Gonzaga told a UCLA newsletter.

Agence France-Presse

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