Your Vision - Your Reality

By Peter Shepherd

A goal is a desire made specific and with a deadline. Setting and achieving
goals that fulfill your needs is essential to health and happiness. Striving
toward your goals is a statement that you are taking charge of your life, rather
than life taking charge of you.

Visualizing a goal is more important than knowing every detail or even any
details of how you will achieve it. The first step for a painter is to visualize the
end result, at least in concept; the means of achieving that result are
extremely variable - different materials and styles, for example - and some of
the steps may require learning new skills or may depend on ideas and
inspiration that the artist knows will arrive at the appropriate time - he doesn’t
worry about them not being there at the beginning. However it turns out, it will
express his feelings and spirit, and that is more than good enough.

Seeking visualized goals is a powerful, natural tendency - like the tendency of
plants to seek the light - an insistent drive that can crack the hardest granite.
If you don’t have a clear image of where you want to go, this creative urge will
be frustrated and you may experience your life as meaningless or directionless.
Then you may visualize negative goals for yourself - you may see yourself as
incompetent, ill, in pain, a failure, and your creative power will tend to make
these a reality.

The first step in goal setting is to get in touch with what you really want in life.
Something that is truly inspiring for you, so you know it is “right.” It should be
what you really, really want, regardless of “what it takes.” Not what other
people want or what they expect of you, and not something to please others -
to inspire you it must be true to your self, something that will really motivate
you.

It may be a lifetime goal or one for a year, month or week ahead. Keep it clear
and simple but don’t set out your goal in terms of generalities like “some” or
“more” - be specific! Include tangible details of time, place, facts, figures,
persons. Clarify exactly what the goal means in terms of specific changes in
your life and a specific deadline for its achievement.

The goal should be achievable - maybe out of reach, for the moment, but not
out of sight! It should also be something you believe in, that you feel is right,
that is consistent with your values.

Then envision that situation in your mind as actually happening now. Express it
as a statement of fact in the present tense, see yourself with the goal already
accomplished. What are you doing? What are your surroundings? What are
people saying to you? How are you feeling now that you have accomplished it?
Get the feeling of that achievement in your heart and celebrate! That feeling
will then stay with you and energize all your actions toward manifesting the
goal.

Here are some examples of well expressed accomplishments: “I am going on a
singles club outing once a week and meeting new people I get on really well
with [the goal to make 5 new genuine friends].” “I am swimming a mile three
times a week and I feel stronger and more alive [the goal to get fit by
swimming a mile three times a week].” “I am living comfortably within my
budget for food, clothing and entertainment; now I feel financially secure and
in control of my spending [the goal to live within my budget by three months
time].” “Bob and I are understanding each other and really loving and trusting
one another and we are having beautiful sex [the goal to improve the
communication in our relationship so that our sex life is great again].”

Don’t use negatives such as “I am not over-eating.” Think positive! Also
negative goals, or not being able to see yourself actually achieving the goal,
strongly indicate the likelihood of internal conflict taking place, in which case
you need to handle this, to identify the limiting beliefs and revise them.

For example, you might learn that you are afraid of how others will respond if
you achieve your goal, or that you are unable or unwilling at this time to
perform the necessary steps to proceed, or that the goal is really meant to
please another or match somebody else. In these cases, you first need to
thoroughly grasp and accept the conflicting viewpoints and feelings involved
and compare them to the current reality, your actual needs, and to realize any
distorted thinking taking place. Then either the goal will be clarified and the
problems drop away, or you will see that the goal is not genuine and choose
another goal.

You then also need to work out an action plan, covering the steps you need to
take in sequence to manifest your goal. What do you need to do, change,
learn, or implement, to move your life from where it is now to where you want
it to be?

To plot out your path, it is best to work backward from your vision of an
accomplished goal - that way you ensure you stay on track, that what you plan
leads to the goal and not some place else. What has to be done to enable you
to finally achieve the goal? What has to be in place? Then you just proceed
backward: what needed to be done one step earlier? Work back to the first
steps you need to take. The first steps need to be things that you know you
can do, so you can get going. Put this in writing and share your goal with those
who will support you.

As you begin to act, identify your fears, accept and release them. Identify
other things you are doing, perhaps habitually, that in fact make it difficult or
even impossible to eventually achieve your goal, and stop doing those things.

Identify and revise your limiting beliefs (including beliefs that you have been
suppressing), and shift that energy into the love you have for your vision.
As you put your first steps into reality you will find yourself acting in ways
compatible with creating your vision; ideas and resources will fall into place.
Setbacks are inevitable but you can learn from them, then re-establish your
vision and move on with greater confidence than before. Use all that you have
learned to establish and boost your self esteem - be your own greatest
supporter. With self-confidence you’ll want to stretch yourself and try new
things. And remember the reasons why you are doing what you are doing - this
will help you do whatever it takes to reach your goal, to be patient when
necessary, and to be persistent with your efforts.

It is equally important to focus also as ruthlessly and honestly as possible on
the current reality. And this is key: measure your progress from where you
started, not against how far you have to go. Each action in which you
demonstrate your competence boosts your self-esteem; each development that
you make happen boosts your morale.

By comparing your progress with the point at which you started out, you will
be encouraged to continue. Goals are achieved step by step and each step
needs to be validated - otherwise the goal may seem far away and it may feel
you are making little progress, when really you are.

Then compare your current reality and state of progress with the final vision -
the next steps will be clarified and you will be motivated to continue. This is an
improvisatory process and cannot be entirely predicted at the outset. Since
creating is improvisatory, the steps you planned to take and even the goal
itself may be revised. Now you know yourself better you may discover that you
actually want something very different from what you originally set out to get.

THE FUTURE EXISTS
FIRST IN IMAGINATION
THEN IN WILL
THEN IN REALITY

Have a great time (setting and achieving goals is the game of life).

SOURCE: Tools For Transformation

Does Materialism Erode Self Esteem?

Researchers have found that low self-esteem and materialism are not just a correlation, but also a causal relationship where low self esteem increases materialism, and materialism can also create low self-esteem. The also found that as self esteem increases, materialism decreases. The study primarily focused on how this relationship affects children and adolescents. Lan Nguyen Chaplin (University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign) and Deborah Roedder John (University of Minnesota) found that even a simple gesture to raise self-esteem dramatically decreased materialism, which provides a way to cope with insecurity.

“By the time children reach early adolescence, and experience a decline in self-esteem, the stage is set for the use of material possessions as a coping strategy for feelings of low self-worth,” they write in the study, which will appear in the Journal of Consumer Research.

The paradox that findings such as these bring up, is that consumerism is good for the economy but bad for the individual. In the short run, it’s good for the economy when young people believe they need to buy an entirely new wardrobe every year, for example. But the hidden cost is much higher than the dollar amount. There are costs in happiness when people believe that their value is extrinsic. There are also environmental costs associated with widespread materialism.

In the book “Happiness: Lessons From a New Science”, Richard Layard exposes a paradox at the heart of our lives. Most of us want more income so we can consume more. Yet as societies become richer, they do not become happier. In fact, the First World has more depression, more alcoholism and more crime than fifty years ago. This paradox is true of Britain, the United States, continental Europe and Japan.

Statistically people have more things than they did 50 years ago, but they are actually less happy in several key areas. There is also the considerable cost of what materialism does to the environment. We don’t yet know what final toll that could take in terms of quality of life and overall happiness. What many people don’t understand is that if we want to save the environment then at some level we have to buy and consume less. We don’t need to buy so much bottled water, for example. Studies have shown it’s usually not any purer than city tap water, which doesn’t leave mountains of plastic bottles strewn across the nations landfills. It also wastes energy and resources to make those plastic bottles and the many other unnecessary things that both youth and adults alike believe they need to have in order to enjoy life and feel good about themselves.

Mad Magazine summed it up with the statement, “The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.”

That funny statement, is only funny because it’s somewhat true. The reason people want whatever is currently “hot” is because they believe it will contribute towards their satisfaction and happiness in life. The word “believe” is the key here. People believe that buying more and more things will make them happy, when in fact research has shown time and time again that this simply isn’t the case. What we do know for sure is that buying more and more unnecessary things is damaging our planet and contributing to global warming.

Sure, one person being less materialistic isn’t going to make a noticeable impact on the environment, but it will make a positive impact in that one life. Once entire nations start to understand the myths about what really makes individuals happy, the world will stand a fighting chance.

“Be The Difference You Want. To See In The World.”
~Mahatma Gandi.

Posted by Rebecca Sato.

Louise Hay - You Can Heal Your Life: The Movie

This entertaining and inspirational movie based on the best-selling book of the same name is hosted by author and teacher Louise L. Hay. This film gives penetrating insights into Louise’s fascinating personal story; and shows how her views on self-esteem, abundance, and the metaphysical causes behind physical ailments were developed. It also reveals how she applied these concepts to her own emotional, spiritual, and professional life.

A number of luminaries in the fields of self-help, philosophy, health, spirituality, and New Thought join Louise, giving their take on success, happiness, and the myriad ways in which people can heal their own lives. And there are also gripping firsthand accounts from others who have been positively affected by Louise’s work.

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Why Do We Lie?

We all lie, all the time. It causes problems, to say the least. So why do we do it?

It boils down to the shifting sands of the self and trying to look good both to ourselves and others, experts say.

“It’s tied in with self-esteem,” says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. “We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels.”

Not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying is the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice, some researchers say. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy—the glue of society.

Kidding yourself

Many animals engage in deception, or deliberately misleading another, but only humans are wired to deceive both themselves and others, researchers say. People are so engaged in managing how others perceive them that they are often unable to separate truth from fiction in their own minds, Feldman’s research shows.

For instance, In one experiment, Feldman put two strangers in a room together. They were videotaped while they conversed. Later, independently, each was asked to view the tape and identify anything they had said that was not entirely accurate.

Rather than defining what counts as a lie and to avoid the moral tone of the word “lie,” Feldman’s experimenters simply asked subjects after the fact to identify anything they had said in the video that was “not entirely accurate.”

Initially, “Each subject said, ‘Oh, I was entirely accurate,’” Feldman told LiveScience. Upon watching themselves on video, subjects were genuinely surprised to discover they had said something inaccurate. The lies ranged from pretending to like someone they actually disliked to falsely claiming to be the star of a rock band.

The study, published in the Journal of Basic and Applied Psychology, found that 60 percent of people had lied at least once during the 10-minute conversation, saying an average of 2.92 inaccurate things.

“People almost lie reflexively,” Feldman says. “They don’t think about it as part of their normal social discourse.” But it is, the research showed.

“We’re trying not so much to impress other people but to maintain a view of ourselves that is consistent with the way they would like us to be,” Feldman said. We want to be agreeable, to make the social situation smoother or easier, and to avoid insulting others through disagreement or discord.

Men lie no more than women, but they tend to lie to make themselves look better, while women are more likely to lie to make the other person feel better.

Extroverts tend to lie more than introverts, Feldman found in similar research involving a job-interview situation.

Workplace lies

Other research has delved into prevarication in the workplace.

Self-esteem and threats to our sense of self are also drivers when it comes to lying to co-workers, rather than strangers, says Jennifer Argo of the University of Alberta.

A recent study she co-authored showed that people are even more willing to lie to coworkers than they are to strangers.

“We want to both look good when we are in the company of others (especially people we care about), and we want to protect our self-worth,” Argo told LiveScience.

The experiment involved reading a scenario to a subject, telling them they had paid more than a coworker for the same new car. When the coworker, in the scenario, mentioned what they had paid, $200 or $2,000 more in different versions of the experiment, the subject was asked to report how they would respond.

Argo found that her subjects were more willing to lie when the price difference was small and when they were talking to a coworker rather than to a stranger.

Consumers lie to protect their public and private selves, she wrote in the Journal of Consumer Research with her colleagues from the University of Calgary and University of British Columbia.

Argo said she was surprised that people are so willing to lie to someone they know even over a small price discrepancy.

“I guess closely tied to this is that people appear to be short-term focused when they decide to deceive someone—save my self-image and self-worth now, but later on if the deceived individual finds out it can have long-term consequences,” she said.

Feldman says people should become more aware of the extent to which we tend to lie and that honesty yields more genuine relationships and trust. “The default ought to be to be honest and accurate … We’re better off if honesty is the norm. It’s like the old saying: honesty is the best policy.”

Source: LiveScience

Trust Yourself To Live The Life You Want

TRUST yourself.

When you don’t fully trust yourself, feelings of depression wash over you, you start losing hope in yourself and worry, fear and anxiety begin making a permanent home in your mind. The absence of trust, more than any other virtue, has doomed many good men and women to failure.

TRUST the Moment

Your past is nothing but a memory and your future has not yet arrived. If you live your life, fully present, in the here and now, one moment at a time, you will literally become healthy, wealthy and wise.

TRUST your dreams

Dare to dream big and allow the critics in your life to live quietly with their little dreams of lack and limitation. Do not argue with people who tell you that it is not possible for you to achieve the dreams you desire. The moment you argue with people about the soundness of your dreams, you have been defeated.

TRUST your Will

Trust your free will, your power to choose. Use it to create a heaven on earth for yourself. Use your will to inspire others less fortunate than yourself. Trust your will to see you through the tough times and when you do, you will experience the strength of God’s will there too.

Trust Your Thoughts

TRUST your best thoughts, your highest thoughts, the thoughts that inspire you the most.

It is your thoughts and actions, alone, that have created the circumstances you have in your life today. If you do not like your current set of circumstances, do not mourn over them endlessly and do not blame yourself or others for what you have today. What you have today is a result of your thoughts and actions of yesterday. What you will have tomorrow will be a result of your thoughts and actions of today.

TRUST only in those thoughts that empower you and leave the rest alone.

Choose to think about and act only on those thoughts that strengthen rather than weaken you. Choose to think about thoughts that make you feel good about yourself always and in all ways. Choose thoughts and actions that lift you up and inspire you. Choose thoughts and actions that propel you towards your dreams. Choose your friends carefully. A friend who shares your vision of living a happy, content and prosperous life will do more to help you make your dreams comes true than a thousand friends who do not.

TRUST that you Have a BOLD, DARING AND COURAGEOUS Side

Trust that, beginning right now, you can create a “too good to be true” life for yourself rather than living a life that, sadly, for many people is “too bad to be true”.

Copyrighted 2006 Frederick Zappone

Self Esteem vs. Self Respect

To esteem anything is to evaluate it positively and hold it in high regard, but evaluation gets us into trouble because while we sometimes win, we also sometimes lose. To respect something, on the other hand, is to accept it.

I enjoy singing and do so quite frequently. As those within earshot will attest, I’m not very good but I love to sing anyway. During summer parties I frequently sing solo and play the part of the “moving ball,” trying to stay just ahead of the music to provide the words for those who don’t know the song. I am not saddened by my lack of talent. I accept the way I sing. Because of this acceptance, I am able to sing without being evaluative of myself or concerned with what others think.

The word acceptance suggests to some readers that our culture does indeed deal with this idea of self-respect; after all, don’t we have the concept that it is important to accept our limitations? Aren’t many of us encouraged “to change the things we can change, accept the things we cannot change and know the difference between the two?” I believe I could learn to sing better, so my acceptance is not based on my limitations. Nor is it based on resignation, since I am not resigned to the belief that I cannot sing well and am not committed to any particular belief about my voice in the future.

The person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. This self-respect is not contingent on success because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because there is always someone better. These are tactics usually employed to increase self-esteem. Self-respect, however, is a given. We simply like ourselves or we don’t. With self-respect, we like ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do.

Consider an interesting test of self-respect. If someone compliments us, what is our reaction? If we are very pleased, it would suggest a certain amount of uncertainty about our skill. Imagine that somebody Whose opinion we respect told us that we were great at spelling three-letter words, or that our pronunciation of vowels was wonderful. Chances are we would not be moved. We know we can do it in the first case, and we don’t care in the second. Because we were not evaluating ourselves, the compliment was unimportant. The more instances in which we don’t “take the compliment,” the less vulnerable we become to evaluation and insult.

My recent research, with Judith White and Johnny Walsch at Harvard University, points to the advantages of self-respect. Compared to those with high self-esteem who are still caught in an evaluative framework, those with self-respect are less prone to blame, guilt, regret, lies, secrets and stress.

Many people worry whether there is life after death. Just think about it: If we gave up self-evaluation, we could have more life before death.

Source: Ellen J. Langer, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, is author of The Power of Mindful Learning (Perseus, 1997) and Mindfulness (Perseus, 1989).

Are You Normal or Nuts?

Senile or Normal? All right, dear reader, the jig is up. You try to pass yourself off as a regular person, with normal behaviors, but we know better. The truth is you have a few truly bizarre habits. How do we know? Well, because we all have them. Weirdness itself is normal — and makes us human. But while there’s a big fat line between Jack the Ripper deviancy and Jack the Double Dipper quirkiness, it’s not always so easy to tell the difference between that “cute” little thing you do and a behavior that may truly be harming you, or others. We asked some brave souls to give up their behavioral skeletons and ran them by the experts. Here’s what we found:

Question:
How come I can remember everything I did, said and wore in second grade, but I can’t remember where I left the car keys this morning? Is this early senility? I’m only 40 years old!

Though some short-term memory loss is normal as we age, it usually doesn’t signal early senility. And you probably don’t actually remember everything you did, said and wore in second grade. What you remember is a handful of outfits and maybe a dozen key episodes. This was possibly an important year for you developmentally, and you crystallized these particular events into your long-term memory by recalling them many times and telling other people about them.

“These memories are accessible now because you really paid attention to those events when they occurred,” says JoAnna Wood, a research psychologist in San Antonio who has done numerous behavioral studies for NASA. “But this morning’s car keys? Not so much, I think. You were probably thinking about important things like work, what to have for dinner, and the bills you need to pay,” so you spaced out on the keys. In long-term memory, we enshrine a few good moments from each passing year, and those that stick, stick well. In short-term memory, which uses a slightly different part of the brain, we try to keep track of the flurry of things in the immediate moment, and often those things slip. The solution is to take the car-key problem away from your short-term memory: Hang a hook by the door and put your keys there every single time you come in.

Question:
Why do I always have a song stuck in my head? Regardless of what I’m doing, some tune is playing over and over in my mind. Sometimes it takes several days to change the tune, so to speak, and, well, it’s driving me nuts!

Besides suggesting you turn off your iPod, the experts we polled had almost nothing to say about this behavior, which leaves us with two possible conclusions: 1) It’s a perfectly natural phenomenon and everyone experiences it, or 2) Our experts are all nuts themselves. But since this writer and all his editors at RD also have cranial jukeboxes, we prefer the first conclusion.

Yale psychologist Marianne LaFrance points out that trying to force a song out of your head only makes things worse. “Trying not to think about something makes you think about it,” she told us. In fact, it’s probably your fruitless efforts to “change the tune,” not the songs themselves, that are driving you nuts. So why not run with it? Harvard psychiatrist Jacqueline Olds, who admits to being a radiohead herself, says, “I find that it’s such a joy to give over to it. A stuck song is a message from your unconscious. If you love this song, why not sing it?” Or if you don’t (”Who Let the Dogs Out,” anyone?), think about what that message may be revealing.

Question:
No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to resist straightening up piles of magazines in the doctor’s office or leveling the picture frames on walls — even in my friends’ houses! And I have one friend who wears a parka with a zipper breast pocket. He never closes that zipper, so I always have to do it for him. He doesn’t realize what a favor I’m doing him. Am I nuts?

“Just tell me I have spinach on my teeth; don’t put your hand in my mouth!” cries psychologist LaFrance. Stop kidding yourself: You’re not doing your friend any favors with the zipper, and, more importantly, you’re not assuaging the basic anxiety that gives rise to this classic OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) behavior.

Harvard psychiatrist Olds notes that OCD behaviors are common in our society. “Everybody has a few OCD habits, and you can’t really be too success-oriented without them,” because the neat cubicle and flawless memo are richly rewarded. But in this case, your compulsive urges impose on other people, probably to the point of offense. You should seek counseling, and the first thing a therapist might ask you to do is to analyze your behavior. OCD patients make lists of rules: Magazines must be straight, zippers must be closed, pictures must be level. “The OCD patient thinks: If I follow these rules, even though they’re arbitrary and I made them up, then other things beyond my control will fall into line as well,” says LaFrance. “But it doesn’t work. It’s the proverbial house of cards.” Controlling the zippers and the picture frames is not going to give you any more control over your relationships, your health, your work or your life. Anxiety from these sources is what’s really bothering you, and the only way to deal with those issues is to face them directly.

Question:
Why do I bite my fingernails or pick at my cuticles until they’re bleeding? Is it just nerves? Hyper-grooming? Is it a form of “cutting” that some kids do? Attempting to control my environment? Or just something oral?

Letting your fingers do the vexing, eh? While some textbooks suggest it’s about perfectionism, this is potentially a more serious problem. Like monkeys and dogs, we’re programmed to groom, but your hyper-grooming is much more, says Joseph Himmelsbach, a psychologist at the State University of New York Upstate Medical University. “It’s a primitive way of releasing anxiety. Or you’re probably mad about something, and you’re protecting yourself against acting with a more appropriate display of anger. But this is an infantile or immature way of coping.” If you’re regularly injuring your hands to the point of bleeding, you should make an appointment with a psychologist, and soon thereafter, a manicurist.

Question:
Snakes freak me out — anywhere, anytime, any snake. If I see a snake on TV, I can’t sleep that night. I once saw a snake in the park. My husband told me it was just a little garter snake, less than a foot long, but I won’t go back to that park again. My husband tells me I’m nuts, and he wants to take me to the pet store to look at snakes. No way. He’s the one who’s nuts.

“Neither of you is nuts,” says Nando Pelusi, a clinical psychologist with a practice in Manhattan. You have a classic phobia, and snakes and spiders are the most common objects thereof. “These fears are somewhat hard-wired into us,” he says, and it’s highly illogical, because cars and cigarettes and electric wires of our modern day are far more dangerous.

Conquering phobias of this sort usually calls for a behavioral approach, and your husband is on the right track. What you need is gradual exposure, starting perhaps with pictures of snakes, combined with relaxation exercises. Glance at the picture; breathe deeply. Once you can do that, move on to a TV image. Again, breathe deeply. Once you can do that, you might try being in the same room with a small snake in a cage. Take it slow, though. Going too fast will backfire. Then again, notes Michael Gitlin, professor of psychiatry at UCLA, maybe it doesn’t matter. “If you live in a city and you’re afraid of snakes, so what? It’s like living in the desert and having a fear of elevators. It doesn’t come up, so it doesn’t much matter.”

Question:
I talk to myself all the time, and sometimes I even respond aloud to questions I mentally ask myself. Is this a mild form of schizophrenia?

Not so long as you’re the only one talking. If you hear voices that seem to come from outside yourself and they tell you to do something stupid, like kill your aunt Margaret, drop this magazine and get to the ER right now. But regular old talking to yourself is a normal human quirk. We rehearse what we’ll say to someone we want to impress. We think up wittier replies for that recent conversation in which we failed to impress, and sometimes, like you, we solve problems.

NASA consultant Wood says you’re using a “think-aloud protocol.” Studies show that students often perform tasks better if they think out loud. Psychologists would once ask test subjects to think aloud so that researchers could figure out how they were solving the problems. But time and again, they found that these subjects did the tasks better than those who remained silent. So long as you don’t overdo it in public, keep up the conversation with yourself. It’s only helping.

Question:
Why do I love tapping, drumming, and other repetitive rhythmic behavior? Am I borderline autistic? The same is true of my dad, but it drives my mom and my wife crazy. Is this a gender thing?

It’s not a gender thing, and just because some autistics engage in repetitive behaviors, that doesn’t mean you, too, have autism. The experts we talked to gave you a different diagnosis: anxiety. “The next time you tap, stop for a moment and identify what you might be getting yourself anxious about,” counsels Pelusi. Is it your job? Maybe it’s your wife. Facing anxiety directly is a better way of dealing with it, because while tapping may be a short-term relief, you’re not dealing with the root problem. Himmelsbach adds that you may also have excess energy. “Go with the flow: Take up running, or become a drummer,” he urges. Now, that’ll make your wife miss your tapping!

Question:
After years of hard work, I’m up for a promotion, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get it. But I’m terrified, because that will mean I’ll have to run meetings and do more speaking in front of groups of clients. I hate this. I get short of breath sometimes and feel like there’s a weight on my chest. My palms sweat. I suspect this is a bigger problem than my deodorant can handle.

Unless your deodorant contains beta blockers, you’re right. It’s a bigger problem. What you have is a limited form of social anxiety disorder. Many people report “stage-fright” jitters, a general feeling of unease before speaking to groups. Joining a public-speaking organization like Toastmasters is a great idea for most people with stage fright. But Harvard psychiatrist Olds notes that your shortness of breath “is a little unusual,” and that you’re a good candidate for medicines like beta blockers, which counter the physiological response. It’s useful to note that such fears are self-fulfilling. Ask yourself: Are you at the point where you’re more afraid of sweaty palms than you are of running the meeting? If you can recognize this as a self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps you can nip it in the bud.

Question:
Sometimes I feel like a cold fish. My son’s difficulties at school don’t move me, my wife’s bad day is unimportant. Then that heart-string-pulling phone company or holiday-time beer ad on TV makes me weep. Am I nuts?

Not at all. Emotions are tough stuff. And all of us, at one point or another, have our cold-fish moments. But you should recognize that you are probably displacing real emotions about something (your family, perhaps?) into the fictional commercial. You cry about that because it’s safe, whereas crying about what’s really going on is not safe. “An authentic appraisal of your relationship with your wife might cause a disruption in your relationship, causing you to take responsibility, so crying at the TV ad allows you to evoke the emotion in an abstract way and avoid the hassle,” says Pelusi. “People have a tendency to distract themselves from the difficult and painful process of having an actual relationship.” It works in the short run, but in the long run taking responsibility for your feelings and addressing your emotions, however tough, is the only way to deal with them. Courage, man, you’re not crazy. You’re human.

Source: William Speed Weed, Readers Digest

Give Yourself A Chance

It’s amazing how often I hear otherwise brilliant leaders make counterproductive, stereotypical comments about themselves.

The good news is that almost all the leaders I meet have quit making stereotypical comments about race, sex, or ethnic origin. The bad news is that we still make these self-limiting comments about ourselves.

You’ve surely heard them. Maybe you’ve used them to describe yourself:

* “I’m impatient!”
* “I’m always behind.”
* “I always put things off!”

We often talk about ourselves as if we have permanent genetic flaws that can never be altered.

Our personal stereotyping may originate from stories about us that have been repeated for years–often from as far back as childhood. These stories may have no basis in fact. But they can set low expectations that produce self-fulfilling prophecies, which seem to prove that our negative expectations were correct.

I’m a good example of this. I was brought up in a small town. Growing up in Valley Station, Kentucky, I might naturally have become involved in cars, tools, and mechanical things. My dad had a two-pump gas station. Many of my friends liked to work on cars and race them at the drag strip.

As a child, however, I gained a different set of expectations from my mom. Almost from birth, I was told, “Marshall, you are extremely smart. In fact, you are the smartest little boy in Valley Station.” She told me that I wasn’t just going to go to college–I could go to graduate school! She also said, “Marshall, you have no mechanical skills, and you will never have any mechanical skills for the rest of your life!” (I don’t think she wanted me to pump gas and change tires at the service station.)

How did these expectations affect my development? I was never encouraged to work on cars or be around tools. (As a teenager in the 1960s, I thought a universal joint was something that hippies smoked.) Not only did my parents know that I had no mechanical skills, my friends knew it. When I was 18 years old, I took the U.S. Army’s Mechanical Aptitude Test. My scores were in the bottom second percentile of the entire nation. In other words, I was soundly defeated by random chance.

Six years later, however, I was at UCLA, working on my PhD. One of my professors, Bob Tannenbaum, asked me to write down things I did well and things I couldn’t do. On the positive side, I jotted down, “research,” “writing,” “analysis,” and “speaking.” (In other words, I wrote, “I am smart.”) On the negative side, I wrote, “I have no mechanical skills. I will never have any mechanical skills.”

Bob asked me how I knew I had no mechanical skills. I explained my life history and told him about my dismal showing on the Army test. “How are your mathematical skills?” he asked. I proudly replied that I had scored a perfect 800 on the SAT math 1 achievement test. Bob then asked, “Why is it that you can solve complex mathematical problems, but you can’t solve simple mechanical problems?” Then he asked, “How is your hand-eye coordination?” I said that I was good at pinball and had helped pay for my college expenses by shooting pool, so I guessed that it was fine. Bob asked, “Why is it that you can shoot pool, but you can’t hammer nails?”

Suddenly, I realized that I did not suffer from some sort of genetic defect. I was just living out expectations that I had chosen to believe. At that point, it wasn’t just my family and friends who had been reinforcing my belief that I was mechanically hopeless. And it wasn’t just the Army test, either. I was the one who kept telling myself, “You can’t do this!” I realized that as long as I kept saying that, it was going to remain true.

The next time you hear yourself say, “I’m just no good at . . .” ask yourself why not. The next time you’re coaching someone, and he or she says, “I’m just no good at . . .” ask them why not.

If we don’t treat ourselves–and the people around us–as if we have incurable genetic defects, we can get better at almost anything we choose. Why not?

Marshall Goldsmith (marshall@A4SL.com) is corporate America’s preeminent executive coach and founding director of the Alliance for Strategic Leadership.

Never, Ever, Ever Give Up

Winston Churchill was famous for saying “Never, Never, Never Give Up! I guess he would know since he helped save a whole nation…this, from someone who failed sixth grade. He was also defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the age of 62. In any event, here are some other more notable examples in history to help us put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on.

As a young man, Abraham Lincoln went to war a captain and returned a private. Afterwards, he was a failure as a businessman. As a lawyer in Springfield, he was too impractical and temperamental to be a success. He turned to politics and was defeated in his first try for the legislature, again defeated in his first attempt to be nominated for congress, defeated in his application to be commissioner of the General Land Office, defeated in the senatorial election of 1854, defeated in his efforts for the vice-presidency in 1856, and defeated in the senatorial election of 1858. At about that time, he wrote in a letter to a friend, “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth.”

Socrates was called “an immoral corrupter of youth” and continued to corrupt even after a sentence of death was imposed on him. He drank the hemlock and died corrupting.

Sigmund Freud was booed from the podium when he first presented his ideas to the scientific community of Europe. He returned to his office and kept on writing.

Robert Sternberg received a C in his first college introductory-psychology class. His teacher commented that “there was a famous Sternberg in psychology and it was obvious there would not be another.” Three years later Sternberg graduated with honors from Stanford University with exceptional distinction in psychology, summa cum laude, and Phi Beta Kappa. In 2002, he became President of the American Psychological Association.

Charles Darwin gave up a medical career and was told by his father, “You care for nothing but shooting, dogs and rat catching.” In his autobiography, Darwin wrote, “I was considered by all my masters and my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard of intellect.” Clearly, he evolved.

Thomas Edison’s teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs for being “non-productive.” As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was “sub-normal,” and one of his teachers described him as “mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams.” He was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. He did eventually learn to speak and read. Even to do a little math.

Louis Pasteur was only a mediocre pupil in undergraduate studies and ranked 15th out of 22 students in chemistry.

Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he succeeded.

R. H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York City caught on.

F. W. Woolworth was not allowed to wait on customers when he worked in a dry goods store because, his boss said, “he didn’t have enough sense.”

When Bell telephone was struggling to get started, its owners offered all their rights to Western Union for $100,000. The offer was disdainfully rejected with the pronouncement, “What use could this company make of an electrical toy.”

John Garcia, who eventually was honored for his fundamental psychological discoveries, was once told by a reviewer of his often-rejected manuscripts that one is no more likely to find the phenomenon he discovered than to find bird droppings in a cuckoo clock. (sort of a cute critique actually)

Rocket scientist Robert Goddard found his ideas bitterly rejected by his scientific peers on the grounds that rocket propulsion would not work in the rarefied atmosphere of outer space.

Daniel Boone was once asked by a reporter if he had ever been lost in the wilderness. Boone thought for a moment and replied, “No, but I was once bewildered for about three days.”

An expert said of Vince Lombardi: “He possesses minimal football knowledge and lacks motivation.” Lombardi would later write, “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.”

Michael Jordan and Bob Cousy were each cut from their high school basketball teams. Jordan once observed, “I’ve failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed.”

Babe Ruth is famous for his past home run record, but for decades he also held the record for strikeouts. He hit 714 home runs and struck out 1,330 times in his career (about which he said, “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”). And didn’t Mark McGwire break that strikeout record? (John Wooden once explained that winners make the most errors.)

Hank Aaron went 0 for 5 his first time at bat with the Milwaukee Braves.

Stan Smith was rejected as a ball boy for a Davis Cup tennis match because he was “too awkward and clumsy.” He went on to clumsily win Wimbledon and the U. S. Open. And eight Davis Cups.

Tom Landry, Chuck Noll, Bill Walsh, and Jimmy Johnson accounted for 11 of the 19 Super Bowl victories from 1974 to 1993. They also share the distinction of having the worst records of first-season head coaches in NFL history - they didn’t win a single game.

Johnny Unitas’s first pass in the NFL was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. Joe Montana’s first pass was also intercepted. And while we’re on quarterbacks, during his first season Troy Aikman threw twice as many interceptions (18) as touchdowns (9) . . . oh, and he didn’t win a single game. You think there’s a lesson here?

After Carl Lewis won the gold medal for the long jump in the 1996 Olympic games, he was asked to what he attributed his longevity, having competed for almost 20 years. He said, “Remembering that you have both wins and losses along the way. I don’t take either one too seriously.”

Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.

Charles Schultz had every cartoon he submitted rejected by his high school yearbook staff. Oh, and Walt Disney wouldn’t hire him.

After Fred Astaire’s first screen test, the memo from the testing director of MGM, dated 1933, read, “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.” He kept that memo over the fire place in his Beverly Hills home. Astaire once observed that “when you’re experimenting, you have to try so many things before you choose what you want, that you may go days getting nothing but exhaustion.” And here is the reward for perseverance: “The higher up you go, the more mistakes you are allowed. Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it’s considered to be your style.”

After his first audition, Sidney Poitier was told by the casting director, “Why don’t you stop wasting people’s time and go out and become a dishwasher or something?” It was at that moment, recalls Poitier, that he decided to devote his life to acting.

When Lucille Ball began studying to be actress in 1927, she was told by the head instructor of the John Murray Anderson Drama School, “Try any other profession.”

The first time Jerry Seinfeld walked on-stage at a comedy club as a professional comic, he looked out at the audience, froze, and forgot the English language. He stumbled through “a minute-and a half” of material and was jeered offstage. He returned the following night and closed his set to wild applause.

In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, “You’d better learn secretarial work or else get married.” I’m sure you know that Norma Jean was Marilyn Monroe. Now . . . who was Emmeline Snively?

At the age of 21, French acting legend Jeanne Moreau was told by a casting director that her head was too crooked, she wasn’t beautiful enough, and she wasn’t photogenic enough to make it in films. She took a deep breath and said to herself, “Alright, then, I guess I will have to make it my own way.” After making nearly 100 films her own way, in 1997 she received the European Film Academy Lifetime Achievement Award.

After Harrison Ford’s first performance as a hotel bellhop in the film Dead Heat on a Merry-Go-Round, the studio vice-president called him in to his office. “Sit down kid,” the studio head said, “I want to tell you a story. The first time Tony Curtis was ever in a movie he delivered a bag of groceries. We took one look at him and knew he was a movie star.” Ford replied, “I thought you were spossed to think that he was a grocery delivery boy.” The vice president dismissed Ford with “You ain’t got it kid , you ain’t got it … now get out of here.”

Michael Caine’s headmaster told him, “You will be a laborer all your life.”

Charlie Chaplin was initially rejected by Hollywood studio chiefs because his pantomime was considered “nonsense.”

Enrico Caruso’s music teacher said he had no voice at all and could not sing. His parents wanted him to become an engineer.

Decca Records turned down a recording contract with the Beatles with the unprophetic evaluation, “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on their way out.” After Decca rejected the Beatles, Columbia records followed suit.

In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis Presley after one performance. He told Presley, “You ain’t goin’ nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin’ a truck.”

Beethoven handled the violin awkwardly and preferred playing his own compositions instead of improving his technique. His teacher called him “hopeless as a composer.” And, of course, you know that he wrote five of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf.

The Impressionists had to arrange their own art exhibitions because their works were routinely rejected by the Paris Salon. How many of you have heard of the Paris Salon?

A Paris art dealer refused Picasso shelter when he asked if he could bring in his paintings from out of the rain. One hopes that there is justice in this world and that the art dealer eventually went broke.

Van Gogh sold only one painting during his life. And this to the sister of one of his friends for 400 francs (approximately $50). This didn’t stop him from completing over 800 paintings.

John Constable’s luminous painting Watermeadows at Salisbury was dismissed in 1830 by a judge at the Royal Academy as “a nasty green thing.” Name of the judge, anyone? Anyone?

Rodin’s father once said, “I have an idiot for a son.” Described as the worst pupil in the school, he was rejected three times admittance to the Ecole des Beaux-Arts. His uncle called him uneducable. Perhaps this gave him food for thought.

Stravinsky was run out of town by an enraged audience and critics after the first performance of the Rite of Spring.

When Pablo Casals reached 95, a young reporter asked him “Mr. Casals, you are 95 and the greatest cellist that ever lived. Why do you still practice six hours a day?” Mr. Casals answered, “Because I think I’m making progress.”

Leo Tolstoy flunked out of college. He was described as both “unable and unwilling to learn.” No doubt a slow developer.

Louisa May Alcott, author of Little Women, was encouraged to find work as a servant by her family.

Emily Dickinson had only seven poems published in her lifetime.

15 publishers rejected a manuscript by e. e. cummings. When he finally got it published by his mother, the dedication, printed in uppercase letters, read WITH NO THANKS TO . . . followed by the list of publishers who had rejected his prized offering. Nice going Eddie. Thanks for illustrating that nobody loses all the time.

18 publishers turned down Richard Bach’s story about a “soaring eagle.” Macmillan finally published Jonathan Livingston Seagull in 1970. By 1975 it had sold more than 7 million copies in the U.S. alone.

21 publishers rejected Richard Hooker’s humorous war novel, M*A*S*H. He had worked on it for seven years.

22 publishers rejected James Joyce’s The Dubliners.

27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss’s first book, To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.

Jack London received six hundred rejection slips before he sold his first story.

English crime novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published 564 books.

William Saroyan accumulated more than a thousand rejections before he had his first literary piece published. Way to not take a hint, Bill!

Gertrude Stein submitted poems to editors for nearly 20 years before one was finally accepted. See . . . a rose is a rose.

I bet you didn’t know that John Milton wrote Paradise Lost 16 years after losing his eyesight

One of Professor Pajares’s first research efforts came back with a review that began, “There are so many things I don’t like about this article I just don’t know where to begin.”

There is a professor at MIT who offers a course on failure. He does that, he says, because failure is a far more common experience than success. An interviewer once asked him if anybody ever failed the course on failure. He thought a moment and replied, “No, but there were two incomplete s.”

How To Improve Your Personality

We’re hard wired. Personality, intelligence, ability - it’s all set at an early age. Personality in particular. It’s just the way you are. One of your “attributes” might get in the way of a better life, but why try to fight it and fail?

In studying personality, psychologists often have pegged the age of final jelling as early as 5 and as late as 30. In other words, adults past they’re 20’s should just forget about making meaningful changes.

Well, chin up.

Several personality psychologists have begun to say the “set in stone” premise has gone too far. Research is showing that individuals’ personalities do change over time, that personality change is ongoing.

Most important they say, motivated people with the right outlook and some common sense strategies can tweak they’re traits to work better for them.

Expert Perspectives

Here’s how Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychology professor with a recent book on the topic, looks at personality change:

“You need more than motivation, you need the right belief system.” Dweck, author of “Mindset, The New Psychology of Success,” about personality tweaks, said people have one of two mindsets: fixed versus growth.

People with the fixed mind-set believe intelligence and personality traits are deep-seated and fixed. People with a growth mind-set believe personality and intelligence can be developed and cultivated.

Growth mind-set people are certain they can change and improve, Dweck said. Fixed mind-set people listen to the voice in they’re heads that says, “watch out, failure ahead,” she said. After a setback, that voice says, “Pull out now.”

Dweck studied pre-med students taking an organic chemistry course. All were highly motivated to get good grades. Two groups emerged among those who weren’t performing as well as they hoped. One group quickly concluded organic chemistry simply wasn’t they’re thing. The other group didn’t talk in those terms. They believed they could get better and made plans to do so.

In the end, the students with growth mind-sets outperformed students with fixed mind-sets, who were less resilient and had more fear, she said.

“You have to believe first that change is possible, and you need to understand that change comes through systematic strategies,” Dweck said.

A person’s personality traits no doubt change over time, said Steve Ilardi, associate professor of psychology at the University of Kansas. An irresponsible 15-year-old can become a responsible 25-year-old, Ilardi said. That’s because personalities develop and mature with age and in response to circumstances.

But can a irresponsible 25-year-old turn himself into a highly responsible 25-year-old? Actually no one should expect big, positive swings in personality, he said.

Take Dweck’s example of the shy person. “A shy person can become a more comfortable person”, Ilardi said. “But it’s not likely they’ll become the person who says, “Lets throw a party for a hundred of our closest friends, and I’ll put a lampshade on my head.”

Even small changes take a lot of work, sometimes requiring therapy, Ilardi said. A good therapist can help a patient overcome such things a social anxiety and phobias, but success takes time.

“People get caught in predictable patterns, in ruts,” he said. “It takes a lot of awareness to say, “I’m going to take these steps, and I’m going to stay with it.”

“I can’t even change the coffee shop I go to without agony,” said Judith Sills, clinical psychologist and author of “The Comfort Trap.” “Change is an effortful, focused process. It requires concentration and practice.”

But it can be done, she said. A particularly grudging person can learn to praise others. A highly expressive person with a loose tongue can become more discreet. A passive person can become more assertive.

“You can identify those aspects of you that trip you up, and in a focused and specific way, you can really alter reactions and behaviors and make your life better,” she said.

Trying to figure out why you are the way you are could be a waste of time, Sills said. Instead concentrate on how to start the process of change. Generally the key is take baby steps, she said.

For example, the person who wants to be more involved in work life might set a small goal for the next meeting, such as making a suggestion to a colleague. A person who wants to be more assertive might choose one action they’ve been putting off, such as discussing a long simmering disagreement with a neighbor. After choosing the action, identify the small step that will force the situation, such as picking up the phone to make the dreaded call.

“These new small things are so wonderful,” Sills said. “Now you have the beginnings of a repertoire to fall back on. Now your the person who stood up for himself and made the call. Now you see yourself as a different person.”

How One Woman Did It

Mary Redmond was at a crossroads. An adviser told her the success of a business she started depended on one thing: She had to do professional speaking. “I would have preferred to have dental surgery without painkillers,” she said.

Redmond, of Bonner Springs, Kan, was personable but not the master-of-ceremonies type. Her personality lent itself to one-on-one discussions. That’s what she was good at. But now she knew she had to change. She needed to be that emcee type, the center of attention, at least long enough to make a great business presentation.

Her first step: Sign up for a one day class with presentation coach Mike Bayly. She further forced the situation by booking two presentations shortly after. At the end of a long day with Bayly, she felt ready. “I can do this,” she said. But it was a good thing she booked two events, because the first was a disaster.

“It was a Rotary Club, and the only people who seemed to enjoy my presentation were the 15 people from Russia who didn’t speak English,” Redmond said.

The second event was a great success, drawing kudos from audience members. Now Redmond not only does presentations for her company, but also gets hired to speak nationally in other business settings.

And she thinks she can get better, so much so, she has signed up for her second improvisation workshop with a comedy group.

Comedy improv for business presentations? Redmond says it makes her more at ease in front of a crowd, more willing to be physical and funny and, therefore, more engaging. “I had to commit to changing myself,” Redmond said. “And it changed my life.”

Tweaking Tools

A recent Psychology Today article listed six “tools” for tweaking aspects of one’s personality and making others work for you.

1. Believe in change, and success in altering a trait is much more likely.
2. Discover your “signature strengths.” Go to www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu for a questionnaire.
3. Identify and reject your overly pessimistic beliefs.
4. Follow a systematic approach to change with help from a friend or therapist.
5. Take risk and see your confidence increase.
6. Find the niches in life that fit best with your traits.

Recommended Reading
“Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck
“The Comfort Trap” by Judith Sills

Article by Edward M. Eveld - McClatchy Newspapers

Dove Campaign For Beauty

Dove has unleashed a campaign to help redefine the idea of beauty. They specifically target young girls who are continually bombarded with images and ads that define beauty by narrow, stifling stereotypes.

The initiatives sponsored by Dove include self-esteem workshops with young girls to help them foster a healthy relationship with and confidence in their bodies and their looks, fund raising initiatives (sponsored by the Dove Self-Esteem Fund) to help young girls with low body-related self esteem and much more. Check out their website and the video below to learn more.

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The Weight Loss Bull Crap Game (El Toro Ca Ca)

Conventional thinking tells us that losing weight is essentially a physiological process; lift this, run there, stretch that, get your heart rate up, decrease your calorie intake, no carbs after three (crapola) and increase your energy expenditure. Mostly good advice.

And traditional approaches (by the medical profession and the fitness industry) tell us that weight loss is essentially about three key variables; exercise, food and lifestyle. Oh yeah, and more education. And to a point, they are right. But only to a point.

I’m here to tell you that while exercise, food, lifestyle and education are indeed important variables in the process, without doubt, the biggest determinant of weight loss (or gain) is what’s going on in that nine pound (four kilo) thing sitting on the top of our shoulders.

Yet the psychology of weight loss is rarely discussed (in any depth) by the ‘experts’. And in my humble opinion, that’s because many of them don’t get it. It.. being the head stuff that goes with the body stuff.

If you have been, or are currently, overweight, then you absolutely know that losing weight is first and foremost a psychological and emotional process. I was a fatty (200lbs, 90kgs at fourteen)… and when I got my head in the right place, my body followed. I thought different, chose different(ly) and created different.

Q. What really determines weight loss (or gain)?
A. Attitude, thinking, self-control, mind-set and ultimately, decisions.

We know what to do.
But we don’t do what we know.
We’ve never been more educated.
Yet we’ve never been fatter.
We’ve never had more resources.
And we’ve never made more excuses (heard them all).
We’ve never had more reasons to lose weight.
And we’ve never wasted more time.

But people don’t wanna hear this message because it’s too fundamental and obvious.
And it requires real effort, sacrifice, work and self-control.
No, we’d rather talk about weight-loss theory number ten million or the latest ‘breakthrough’ pill, powder, potion, product, gizmo or gadget.
Or that amazing new weight-loss book.
‘Cause we need another one of those.

We want quick, easy, convenient and painless.
We are soft.
We are precious, lazy and lack self-control.
We are the quick-fix society.
And the instant-gratification generation.
And the fat generation.

We want an answer that doesn’t require effort or sacrifice on our part.
And it is this mentality which keeps us (us, the society) fat.

If the answer to Global obesity was in fact, more education, information or resources, then we would all be getting leaner by the day because we’ve never been more educated, informed or equipped when it comes to diet, exercise, lifestyle and all that ‘obesity-related stuff’.

Here’s some random food for thought … on obesity.

1. External change needs to be accompanied (or preceded) by, internal change (for it to be lasting).

2. Most people who lose weight regain it (over 95%) because they haven’t really changed their attitude or thinking. They change their behaviors for a while but deep (deep, deep) down they haven’t really changed their core thinking, beliefs, attitudes or standards. On a subconscious level many people are waiting for it (the diet, the fitness kick) to be over.. so they can go back to being ‘normal’.
And when they do eat less and exercise more they (often) slide into a deprivation mentality… constantly telling themselves that they’re ‘missing out’.

3. If we tell ourselves that it will be a painful, horrible process… it will be (for everyone).
Attitude = outcome.

4. The sooner we stop looking for easy and start looking for effective… the sooner we’ll start to see real (forever) change.

5. Weight-loss martyrs are a pain in the ass… “I’ve been so good… I’ve been so good.”

6. While food, exercise and lifestyle are important ingredients in the weight-loss process… it is our head which determines how we eat, exercise and live.
Which in turn determines our physiological state.

7. The fat person with all the knowledge, education and resources… and a crap attitude.. will stay fat.

8. The fat person with limited knowledge, resources and genetic potential.. and a great attitude… will produce much better results every time.

9. The sooner we stop getting in shape for ‘events’ (weddings, birthdays, reunions, parties) and start getting in shape for life… the sooner we’ll start to see forever results.

10. The fitness industry and medical profession have a one-dimensional approach to weight-loss; physical. This is ignorant, naive and ineffective. Losing weight (effectively) is a complex, multi-dimensional process (physical, emotional and psychological).

11. Losing weight is not about finding the right program, diet, supplement or drug; it’s about finding the right attitude.

12. Many (okay, most) fat people make excuses and tell lies.
A lot.
Just ask the ex fat kid.
Yes, I know this sounds offensive but if you had experienced the thousands of conversations with as many fat people as I have… you’d know that I’m telling the truth. You can get offended… or educated; it’s a choice.

13. By the way, ‘fat ‘ is not an insult (in this discussion)… it’s a physiological state.

14. The sooner we call fat what it is (as opposed to deluding ourselves by calling each other full-figured, big-boned and heavy-set) the sooner we will get serious about addressing obesity in a real, practical, no bullshit way. Perhaps we should worry less about political correctness and more about heart disease, diabetes, bowel cancer and the plethora of other obesity-related conditions.
“Whatever you do.. don’t mention the ‘F’ word.. you might hurt her feelings; she’s not fat, she’s… voluptuous!”.

15. We love to play the blame game.
We wanna blame someone or something for our obesity.
It’s a time thing.
It’s a genetics thing.

As long as it’s not a ‘me’ thing. Otherwise I might have to get off my ass and take responsibility for my fat self.

Craig Harper (B.Ex.Sci.) is an Australian motivational speaker, qualified exercise scientist, author, columnist, radio presenter, and owner of one of the largest personal training centres in the world. He can be heard weekly on Australian Radio SEN 1116 and GOLD FM and appears on Australian television on Network Ten’s 9AM. He is also a columnist for Women’s Health & Fitness, and Alpha Magazines.

How To Overcome Shyness

The next time you’re invited to a party but afraid to go, try approaching this: shyness may affect up to 40 percent of the population, but it doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

People can overcome their shyness with preparation followed by slowly engaging themselves in new social situations, according to psychologists.

Perhaps it comes as no surprise that one of the world’s foremost experts in shyness, Bernardo Carducci, has battled with shyness himself.

“I had lots of friends, but I had no dates,” Carducci, the director of the Indiana University Southeast Shyness Research Institute, said of his youth. Shyness is “something that I work at.”

Recipes for shyness

Carducci says that despite beliefs to the contrary, shyness is not completely hardwired.

This is because shyness requires a sense of self—which develops only after about 18 months of age. It involves feelings of excessive self-consciousness, negative self-evaluation and negative self-preoccupation, he explained.

“Shy people operate as if thy have a mirror in front of them all the time,” he told LiveScience.

Genes do, however, seem to play a role. About 15 percent of babies are born with what is called an “inhibited temperament”—meaning that they react stressfully to new experiences. They might cower at the sound of a bursting balloon, for instance.

And if one identical twin is shy, the other also is likely to be shy, said Jonathan Cheek, a psychologist at Wellesley College in Massachusetts.

“This does not mean that shyness is predetermined by inheritance, or that it cannot be overcome,” Cheek said, “but simply that some people are born more susceptible to becoming shy than are others.”

A shy disposition

In a nutshell, shy people want to be outgoing and friendly, but can’t seem to figure out how to do it, Carducci said.

They are also slow to “warm up” in new social situations, partly because they are so self-conscious.

“They’ll go to a social function, but if they’re not comfortable within 10 minutes, they’ll turn and they’ll run,” Carducci said.

Finally, shy people tend to have what Carducci calls a “limited comfort zone.” They may be social and have friends, but they tend to do the same things over and over again with the same small circle of people, rather than exposing themselves to new social situations.

Carducci points out, however, that shyness is not related to self-esteem. People can be confident in certain aspects of their lives—they may be able to give presentations in front of hundreds of people—but the thought of making small talk with a stranger might make them extremely anxious.

Don’t be shy of a cure

There are a number of approaches to overcoming their shyness.

One is through relaxation training. People might try imagining themselves in different social situations while taking slow, deep breaths to keep calm, said Cheek, the Wellesley psychologist.

They can also work to slowly expand their comfort zone, Carducci said.

He suggested volunteering as a good way to do this. “When you volunteer, [people] don’t really care your level of skill; they’re just after your time, so there’s no critical self-evaluation,” he explained.

It’s also important to overcome shyness one step at a time, according to both psychologists.

For instance, “if a shy man wants to ask a woman he sees at work out on a date, his first goal might be to have a brief conversation with her about some work-related topic,” Cheek said.

Before doing so, he should practice the conversation with a friend or a counselor, Cheek said. Then the second time the shy guy speaks to the woman, he could talk about something a bit more personal, until eventually, he feels comfortable asking her out on a date.

People should also realize that “they need not take all the responsibility for any failure they might encounter,” Cheek said. “Sometimes another person is unresponsive for reasons that have nothing to do with the shy person.”

By Melinda Wenner - LiveScience.com

6 Ideas To Help You Shed The Pounds

1. Rise and chow

If you think skipping breakfast will help you shed a few pounds, think again. Not eating a morning meal can actually trick the body into thinking it is starving, which makes it hold on to fat or cause you to eat more during the day. To keep your metabolism revved and blood sugar levels steady, eat breakfast within 45 minutes of rising. The healthiest choices contain a balance of fat, protein, and carbs, such as oatmeal with a handful of nuts or a veggie omelet.

2. Combine carbs

If a carbohydrate wasn’t grown, picked, or harvested, don’t eat it. That means shunning refined breads, pastas, cakes, and pastries, and choosing good carbs like brown rice, sweet potatoes, or an apple. And while you’re at it, try to never eat a carbohydrate by itself. Simply adding a bit of good fat, such as olive oil or lean protein will slow digestion, steady blood sugar, and keep the body from storing fat.

3. Drink up

Even if all you did was start drinking more water you would likely lose weight. That’s because the body needs to be fully hydrated in order to maintain a healthy metabolism. Try drinking about 1/2-ounce (15 ml) of water per pound of body weight every day, and see the difference.

4. Eat more

If eating more often in order to lose weight sounds too good to be true, listen up. Your body needs calories in order to burn fat. So, to turn your body into a fat-burning machine, eat small meals throughout the day. Ideally each mini-meal should consist of lean protein, good fats, and complex carbohydrates. For example, 4 ounces (113 grams) of chicken, 1 cup (150 grams) of brown rice, and a green salad.

5. Get pumped

You’ve heard that muscle weighs more than fat, but did you know that muscle burns more calories? That’s right, building lean muscle through weight training causes the body to burn more calories throughout the day. When combined with regular aerobic exercise, weight training can help you lose more weight.

6. Cheat a little

You know what they say about all work and no play—well, that goes for weight loss too. Giving up all the foods you love can backfire and sabotage your efforts. Be sure to allow yourself a day each week when you indulge in conservative amounts of your favorite foods. Remember, a serving should be about the size of an average apple.

Linda Knittel, MA, is a nutritional counselor and health writer specializing in alternative medicine, nutrition, and yoga. She has found that incorporating plenty of good fat in her six small meals a day has actually helped her become leaner.

A Hands-On Guide To Healthy Self-Esteem

Even if we generally feel strong and confident, we may not feel good about every aspect of our life. We may be relatively happy most of the time, but hate how our body looks or always end up in destructive relationships.

While there are no short-cuts to high self-esteem, there are strategies that can help you learn to cherish, honor and believe in you. This hands-on guide can show you how.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Some of us suffer from low self-esteem and don’t know it. Here are some ways it may show itself: * Negative body language–your body posture says you are defeated. * Self-depreciation–you constantly put yourself down. * Never feeling competent–you believe you will never succeed. * Fearfulness–you’re afraid to meet new people and enter new situations. * Perfectionism–you have a need always to be perfect. * Overidentification with the values of others–you believe everybody always right.

The first step in building self-esteem is making a conscious decision to change. But if you find that nothing makes a difference, try talking with a therapist, a minister or an older, wiser person. She may be able to help you find what is troubling you. Remember, you are responsible for changing your own life.

ALWAYS THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS

Never put yourself down with negative comments such as “How could I be so stupid?” or “I’m so clumsy!” Switch to loving self-talk such as “I am doing my best and getting better all the time.” Call yourself endearing names such as “honey” and “darling.” Speak to yourself the way you would like other people to speak to you, with the tenderness and care you show to those you love dearly.

Fill your mind with positive thoughts that make you feel good. On index cards write down ten things that you like about yourself. Carry them around with you, and when you think negatively about yourself, take out a card and read it.

REMEMBER THE SPIRIT

Renew yourself by connecting to the spiritual. Begin each day with meditation or a prayer; it will put you in touch with the divine being within you. Be thankful for being alive and for being blessed. Pray for guidance.

Try to spend time each day reading books that will help you get in touch with the sacred. You can read the wise words in the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita or in other based on spiritual or motivational principles. After each session, reflect upon what you have read and give thanks for the richness it will bring your life.

CELEBRATE THE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE

Take an inventory of your strengths and successes. Congratulate yourself for the small accomplishments you make each hour and day. Remember to count the “little” things. Look at your life and take some credit. Do you make it to work every day? Do you contribute to your community? Are you a good parent? A good daughter? A good friend? Be proud of yourself and of all your accomplishments–big and small. Every good thing you do for you is something to be proud of. If something doesn’t turn out exactly as you wanted it to, think of it as a challenge and try to meet it.

HONOR YOUR FEELINGS–THEY ARE PART OF YOU

It’s easy to know when you are angry or sad. But you can feel many ways–good and bad–within the space of a day. Pay attention to your feelings, and make the most of them. When you’re happy, notice what makes you feel good and how you can increase those feelings. When you feel sad, try to understand why and remember that you have a right to those feelings too. Your mood is part of who you are. Remember, every challenge is an opportunity for growth.

CHERISH YOUR BODY

As women of African-American ancestry, live in two worlds. Black culture has own standard of beauty, but we are also influenced by the larger culture. Too often measure our beauty by European standards. We may believe our features aren’t “pretty enough” or that our hair doesn’t look as it should. Sometimes we measure the beauty of our body by our dress size.

Using other people’s standards to measure ourselves is a losing battle.

Feeling good about your body means truly accepting your physical self. Love your body for what it is now, today at this very moment. Realize that you are a unique and perfect version of yourself. Cherish your body for the great gift that it is, and give it the best of care. Then you will learn to accept, love and treasure yourself.

A DIVINE ORIGINAL

Stand nude before a full-length mirror, and examine your face and body. Look closely at each body part, and notice how, it makes you feel. Do you feel comfortable? Do you stand tall? Do you feel like hiding? Try to look at yourself without criticism or judgment. Concentrate, and then say aloud; “I am a divine original. I accept and love myself completely for who I am!” Breathe deeply, and repeat the affirmation until you begin to believe it and can say it comfortably.

MY BODY SERVES ME WELL

Express love and appreciation to your body parts for the support they give you. Consider how they work together in perfect harmony to carry you through the day. Learn to talk lovingly to your body. Don’t be self-critical or judgmental. Listen to your body and understand what it is telling you. Rest when you are tired. Eat healthful foods that are good for you. Exercise regularly so you will stay strong and healthy. Every morning, starting with your feet, thank every part of you for being yours and for being strong.

APPRECIATE YOUR ATTRIBUTES

Don’t be ashamed to praise your good points. Many of us are quick to magnify our faults and forget our assets. Each of us has qualities that are beautiful and unique. But often we don’t want to admit it; perhaps we were raised not to be vain, and we consider self-praise boastful. Self-celebration has nothing to do with conceit. So don’t be afraid to feel good about what you like most about yourself. When you believe you are beautiful, you exude beauty.

BREATH OF LIFE

When you breathe, take deep breaths. Relaxing breaths are good way to renew your energy. Don’t hunch your shoulders, and breathe from the very top of your mouth. Take in enough air to swell your abdomen, so that your whole body feels full. And then let the breath out slowly. Start each day with ten deep breaths in the morning, and remember to breathe deeply throughout the day. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly whenever you feel anxious, scared or nervous. Breathing deeply is an excellent way to release anxiety and let go of stress. Whenever you need to remind yourself how precious life is and how good it is to be alive, take in and slowly release the breath of life.

RENEW YOURSELF

As you learn to accept your body and cherish it, give yourself permission to treat yourself well and enhance your appearance. Don’t be ashamed to ask a professional for advice on styles and colors that will flatter you. Talk to a stylist for a new hairdo. Treat yourself to a body massage, manicure or pedicure. Buy a new outfit in a color or style that you’ve never worn before and that you were always afraid wouldn’t suit you. Don’t be afraid to take risks. There are no rewards without them; the only failure lies in not trying.

YOU DESERVE THE BEST

Our self-esteem has a direct connection to the kind of relationships we form. People are often attracted to those people whose self-esteem mirrors their own. A healthy level of self-worth increases the chances of developing a loving, nourishing relationship rather than a destructive one.

Often we may enter into a relationship because our significant other feeds us positive messages about ourselves. But we should never become dependent upon other people for our affirmation. If we are fed negative messages, we will have a hard time holding on to any good feelings about ourselves.

Relationships that diminish us are a viscious cycle. Often we enter into them because we have been conditioned to believe we have to be with somebody to be happy. Never be afraid to strike out on your own. Never compromise yourself just to be in a relationship. Honor yourself and insist that others do, too.

SETTING THE STANDARD

It’s very easy to see what others do or don’t do in a relationship and blame them for all our problems. To build a healthy relationship, you should be ready to look at your own behavior. It is up to you to make sure that you’re getting what you need. You determine what you will or won’t accept. Maintain high standards for the way you wish to be treated and accept nothing less. Don’t allow anyone to treat you in ways that make you feel diminished or uncomfortable. Always expect and demand the best. Make a list of the ideal qualities you want a good friend to have, and look for the same qualities in a lover.

COMMUNICATE CLEARLY

Self-esteem suffers and you build up anger and resentment when you don’t express your feelings and needs. Your significant other can’t read your mind. To create a loving environment that allows you to communicate clearly, follow these simple rules: * Keep the focus on yourself and your feelings, not on the other person. * When you begin to talk, start with the phrase “I feel . . .” instead of “I hate it when you. . .” For example: “I feel sad when you don’t remember things that are important to me.” Try to end with the phrase “I need. . .” For example, “I need you to give me a call if you’ll be late.” Or “I’d like us to always have that kind of caring for each other.”

YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED

You attract a mate and create a relationship based on what you think you deserve and how you feel about yourself. The biggest barrier to true happiness in a relationship is the fear that you don’t deserve to be loved or are destined to be hurt. When you believe that, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If those are your feelings, it is up to you to change the script. As you prepare to meet each day, repeat this affirmation as often as you feel you need to: “I am worthy, and I deserve a love that is right and fulfilling.”

BALANCE THE GIVING AND THE TAKING

Sometimes a relationship may feel burdensome and unproductive. If you feel that things just aren’t what they should be, take the time to honestly examine them. Ask yourself: Why am I in this relationship? What am I expecting? What am I giving? What am I receiving? If you feel as though you are constantly giving much more than you are receiving, ask yourself if this is a temporary situation or the substance of your relationship. If it’s the latter, it’s time for you to do some serious soul-searching and renegotiating.

SEE THE GOOD, EXPECT THE BEST

Your mind is a powerful tool, and too often you may get stuck thinking about what you don’t have and what is wrong with a relationship. This can leave you feeling dissatisfied and depressed. It’s important to see and affirm what is good about what you do have. Don’t forget to tell your partner what you appreciate about your relationship. Point out the small things that make you feel good about the way you relate. When you communicate freely, it keeps you aware of what’s going on between you. If you are mad, share it immediately. Don’t let angry feelings fester and explode.

NAME IT AND CLAIM IT

Picture yourself happy, secure and feeling good. Remind yourself that you are loved because you love and cherish yourself. Visualize this positive picture, and then write down a detailed description of it. Every night before you drop off to sleep, summon up the feelings and images that you associate with being happy and complete.

GO FOR YOUR GOALS

High self-esteem can empower, energize and motivate us to set and achieve our goals in the workplace. It can also fuel our ambitions and give us a sense of fulfillment as we strive to achieve. Without a healthy sense of self-esteem, it’s hard to be creative, and it’s easy to get stuck in a rut.

Strong self-esteem makes it easier for us to take risks and face challenges. It also gives us the self-confidence we need to explore new opportunities if we’re unhappy or unfulfilled.

BE PROUD OF YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS

Feel good about your work and the contribution you make. Don’t focus on what is negative, but try to remember the positive. As you prepare to go to work each morning, think of the contributions only you can make. Yours may be as small as a cheerful smile to a visitor, but even small gestures will go a long way toward making you feel good. Repeat this statement: “My work is where I give my unique gifts and share my special talents, and I give them joyfully, no matter what!”

DARE YOURSELF TO DO

Take a cue from the inventors and entrepreneurs born and bred in our community who never said the words I can’t. Be audacious. Take a chance. Believe that what you are doing is great, and don’t let anything stand in your way. Set daily, weekly and monthly goals . If you have trouble reaching goals, break them down until they are manageable. Baby steps will lead to giant ones before you know it. And slowly but surely you will reach your goal.

DO THE RIGHT THING

If you can avoid it, don’t take a job “just for the money,” or you’re bound to be unfulfilled. When you work purely for the sake of making a buck, you tie your sense of self-worth only to the money that you earn. Salary becomes the barometer of your self-esteem. Ask yourself these questions before you decide upon a career or look for a job: * What do I love to do? * What am I good at? * How can I use what I like to do to make a contribution to the world? * How can I make the service I provide pay me what I need to survive?

TAKE A STEP OUTSIDE

If you want to get a sense of how effective you are as a worker, take a step outside yourself and imagine you are seeing yourself as another person. Does this “other worker” have traits you admire? List those traits, and then read them over. When you need to give yourself a boost, read your list to remember just how good you are.

EXTEND YOUR BLESSINGS

Your sense of self-esteem won’t change other people, but it will change the way you react to them. You can create a positive work environment by repeating this blessing each day before you go to work: “I bless my work and everyone and everything connected with it.”

Corynne L. Corbett is a freelance writer who lives in New York City.

Exercises contributed by San Francisco psychologist Brenda Wade, Ph.D., the coauthor of Love Lessons: A Guide to Transforming Relationships (Amistad) and motivational writer Iyanla Vanzant, the author of Tapping the Power Within (Writers and Readers) and Acts of Faith (Fireside).

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