The Biggest Reason For Failure… And The Solution

All we do is create experiences. That is all we do, as human beings. There is nothing else we do here on earth.

Think about your whole day today - wasn’t it a collection of one experience after another? As creators of experiences, we make good ones happen and almost every day, surprisingly, we put a monkey wrench in our own lives and mess things up.

Every day, and for no reason at all, unconsciously, we destroy our own efforts and then fail or suffer unnecessarily. When it comes to success, we are our own worst enemy and we don’t even know it. We take one step forward and two steps back, or more. Today we can all stop this unnecessary step backwards.

Do you know how much more your life, business, relationships and health would improve if you changed one little thing? Let us see how.

The one and only cause of all failure in any area of your life…

In this article, we are going to focus on work, the experience we most often find ourselves in. But you can apply the principles to anything else, including health and relationships. Work in itself is an experience, and we work so that our ‘future’ experiences can be better - or so we hope.

Instinctively, we know that we create our own experiences, otherwise we would not bother put any effort into work. And we desire ‘good’ experiences, that is why we work so hard, believing that the reward will be a ‘better’ life.

You have no doubt in your mind that you create your experiences - the only doubt you may have is the extent to which you are in control of the creation of your own experiences. Furthermore, most of humanity recognizes that they make the ‘good’ times, but they are in denial of the fact that they make the ‘bad’ times as well, the ‘failures’. They mostly blame other people and conditions for the bad ones. Well, here is the biggest reason why we have bad experiences and failures in our work, business and marketing:

Worry and fear.

That is it. That is what causes all the failures in our work, marketing, business, relationships, health and everything else. And do you know why? Because we become what we think about most.

Our thoughts create our next experience, our next moment. We have a mountain of scientific, spiritual and psychological evidence of this fact, yet we hear it and forget it.

Quantum physicists have proven beyond a doubt that the material world is fully dependent on its observers. They have proven that all matter is made of energy, and this energy ‘arranges’ itself into the matter we see based on the expectations of the observer.

In other words, it is our intentions, attention and observations that ‘collapse’ this energy into matter. This is not scientific speculation any more. Nobel Prize winning scientists have proven this without a shred of doubt. And what do our religions tell us? All our religions, all of them, tell us that what we believe we become.

The Bible, for example, tells us that whatever we ask, we receive, whatever we seek, we find, whatever we believe, we are, and as a man thinketh in his heart so is he. Whenever you are thinking, you are asking. Your asking does not start when you start praying and end when you say ‘amen’.

All your thoughts are constant communication with the universe, communication that is acted upon exactly. Every thought of fear and worry that you have produces an outcome in your world. It is this outcome that you call ‘failure that was beyond your control’. It was never beyond your control - you just were not conscious of what you were doing and the power that you had. You have now heard evidence from science and religion that this is so. Let us now see what psychologists and philosophers say:

“The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate. That is to say, when an individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner contradictions, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposite halves.” - Carl Jung

“Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen.” - Kahlil Gibran

“The attempt to escape a problem is the problem. See the logic of this. When a man tries to escape, when he moves away from the problem, he divides himself into one man with a problem and another man who will escape the problem. In reality, there is no such division, so the escape must always fail, as the man sadly experiences. But when seeing that he is the problem itself, that he and his problem are one, he stops trying to escape because he sees there is no other course. In this state of intelligent acknowledgement of reality, he will not have the problem.” - Vernon Howard

“The aphorism, “As a man thinketh in his heart so is he,” not only embraces the whole of a man’s being, but is so comprehensive as to reach out to every condition and circumstance of his life.” - James Allen

“Whether you believe you can or you can’t - either way you are right” - Henry Ford

How most people create their lives… and how they get it wrong

Let us now look at how most people go about creating their lives and their business: They have a goal, a desire. In terms of work, this goal may be to advance in their career, to launch a new marketing strategy, to have their web site achieve success and high traffic, or whatever else.

They decide to go for this goal. They then have countless thoughts about this goal or desire. A great percentage of those thoughts are worries and doubts as to whether they will achieve this goal. A great percentage of these thoughts are analysis of how they will achieve it and how they may fail. They then analyze the analysis and analyze that analysis until what is left is a mass of confusion and fear and doubt. They reach a point where they don’t even know how they wish the goal to turn out - one confident side of them says outcome A will happen, then a fear comes up and it says B, then a newspaper article makes them think C, and so on.

How does anyone expect anything but havoc in the outcome of such haphazard thought full of fear and doubt? You must be like a child. A child, a small child before they are influences by adults into fear and doubt, is of one mind, certain of outcome, ever happy. You can guess how much more successful you would be with such clear thought.

Worry and fear is the single most destructive force in this world and in our personal lives and businesses. Yet we do it every day!

Why? Because we believe it works. It is that simple.

I was watching an Oprah episode with Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, author of Self Matters, as the guest that day. He said, as most others have said before, that humans do not do anything unless we believe there is a pay off.

The only reason we worry is that we believe it works! That is the payoff. As insane as this idea is, we somehow buy into it. Why? Mainly because we do not know the future. So we have a goal, then because we cannot see the future, we have this thought that it may not come true, so we worry, thinking it will help us. But because we become what we think about, the very worry itself comes true.

That which we fear and worry about materializes. We are worries about things because we are worried about things. It is a vicious cycle. We believe what we see yet what we see is created by what we believe. But that cycle starts in our belief. We change our belief and reality changes.

So what is the solution?

Stop worrying and drop your fears. Time for more evidence. Again, every religion and spiritual path, not to mention psychologists and psychiatrists, tell us not to worry. For example, the Bible tells us “Be anxious over nothing”, “Be still”, and so on. But most importantly, we are guided over and over again into detachment of outcome.

Zen, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Islam, and all other faiths, over and over, in various ways, teach detachment, non-resistance. Letting go. The very idea of struggle is made necessary because of our resistance.

Look at nature. Things work out without resistance in the most miraculous of ways. Change must happen in this physical realm. Nothing stays the same. Yet everything blooms.

Deepak Chopra, in his best-selling book the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, outlines detachment as one of those laws. In any case, what you resist persists. So if you find yourself resisting an outcome you do not wish to occur, you are simply energizing it into occurring.

So why is so much emphasis given by sages, masters, teachers and guides to be detached, to let go? Because you do not know every possible outcome, combination and miracle needed to get to the best outcome possible at the best time. And because you do not know, when you feel the need to control what you don’t know, you worry and cause suffering to yourself. You forget that you are not alone.

The universe is not just made of physical stuff. There is a Source of the physical, that which all thought and matter springs from and goes back into. Spirit is the source that everything, from yourself to your car to the stars, comes from. It is First Cause, and eternal. It knows what you do not.

And if you have ever observed your life, you will notice that often things have come to you in ways you would never have planned to give an outcome much better than you would have hoped for. How did that happen?

See, when you decide to do everything yourself, including what you know not, you limit yourself to your fears and finite possibilities. Stick to what you know and leave the rest to That Which Knows.

If you have a desire to succeed in a certain thing, express that intension, will it, know that it shall be acted upon without fail by the universe, just like all of nature is, and let go, with faith and certainty. Detach yourself totally fro the ‘problem’, outcome or steps needed for the outcome to happen.

A goal set with certainty is already accomplished, and because it is, all the miracles necessary for its manifestation are already set and will happen in good time as long as you do not get in the way. If you start analyzing and worrying, setting deadlines and conditions, steps and metrics that only serve to scare you in case you miss them, you are getting in your own way.

Simply intend, believe, be grateful because you know it is being taken care of, and leave it, move on to the next thing. This not only saves you from failure, but it frees you so much time to intend so many more things instead of spending hours worrying over that one thing. Here is a quote that should get you thinking:

“The lesson is forcibly taught by these observations that our life might be much easier and simpler than we make it; that the world might be a happier place than it is; that there is no need of struggles, convulsions, and despairs, of the wringing of the hands and the gnashing of the teeth; that we mis-create our own evils. We interfere with the optimism of nature; for whenever we get this vantage-ground of the past, or of a wiser mind in the present, we are able to discern that we are begirt with laws which execute themselves. The face of external nature teaches the same lesson. Nature will not have us fret and fume.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Detachment has been proven to work over and over. Worry and fear has been proven to destroy over and over. I saw the following fantastic bit of information in Joe Vitale’s new book, Spiritual Marketing: “According to research done at Spindrift Foundation on the power of prayer, a “Thy will be done” prayer gets more than twice as many results as a specific “give me this” prayer.”

You do not have to be a religious person. You don’t even need to have a religion. The laws of the universe work uniformly for all, no matter whom or what they are. And intention with detachment will work for you regardless.

So there you have it. Focus only on that which you can do. And the only thing you can effectively do is intend and enjoy Now.

J. Krishnamurti once said that we should live “as though one were living for that single day, for that single hour.” Did you know that all problems exist in the mind in the past and future? Look at your thoughts of problems. They are all memories or worries about something in future that has not even happened yet and can very well be avoided if only you stopped worrying.

Stop your mental noise, focus on Now, and you will start having inspiration instead of worries. Learn how to apply these new ways in your life. In any field, be it marketing, business, child care, relationships, health, finances, or whatever, you can live in this new more effective way.

Let go. Focus only on what you know and can, and leave the rest to the Source, Providence, Spirit, the Universe, or whatever other term you find comfortable. If you don’t, you only get in your own way. Let go and enjoy!

Written by David Cameron, author of Raising Humans and A Happy Pocket Full of Money. His latest book is How to Live With Yourself and Automatically and Simply Love Yourself To Pure Freedom, Health, Wealth and Relationship Success

Why Change Can Be A Challenge?

Great article over at Scientific American… Millions of us dream of transforming our lives, but few of us are able to make major changes after our 20s. Here’s why….

“The shortest path to oneself leads around the world.” So wrote German philosopher Count Hermann Keyserling, who believed that travel was the best way to discover who you are.

That was how 22-year-old Christopher McCandless was thinking in the summer of 1990, when he decided to leave everything behind—including his family, friends and career plans. He gave his bank balance of $24,000 to the charity Oxfam International and hitchhiked around the country, ending up in Alaska. There he survived for about four months in the wilderness before dying of starvation in August 1992. His life became the subject of writer Jon Krakauer’s 1996 book Into the Wild, which inspired the 2007 film of the same name.

Read more…

Napoleon Hill Discusses Andrew Carnegie

An oldie but a goodie. Napoleon Hill talks about the wisdom the billionaire Andrew Carnegie shared with him some hundred years ago.

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The Fringe Benefits Of Failure

J.K. Rowling, author of the best-selling Harry Potter book series, delivered her Commencement Address, “The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination,” at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni Association. Below are notable excerpts and a link to the original video.

“I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown academically.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned.

Given a time machine or a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.”

“… One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped transform for the better. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.”

“So today, I can wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:

As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.
I wish you all very good lives.

Thank you very much.”

-JK Rowling
http://harvardmagazine.com/go/jkrowling.html

The Foxhole Manifesto

Interesting video. I think it’s a genuine attempt to see religion in the many ways people in our society view God. This is one man’s attempt to reconcile these different points of view.

Realizing Our Dreams

Mark Jones and Dr. Patricia Collette have written an e-book that assist individuals in achieving greater success and fulfillment in their lives. One chapter in particular addresses the idea that it’s because of our beliefs that we are causing or allowing our unique experiences in life. A pretty good read….

Most of us have learned to look outside of ourselves for the cause of the experiences that we don’t like. So it may seem difficult at first to entertain the idea that it’s because of our beliefs that we are causing or allowing our unique experiences in life. However, by finding and changing some of the limiting beliefs that are causing us to create or allow undesired experiences, we can gain assurance.

Fortunately, life gives us ample feedback from several sources. The primary source is what we actually experience. Experience functions as a mirror. We not only create or allow what we experience through our beliefs, but we also view experience through their lenses. On hearing a compliment about something he has done, a person with confident beliefs about himself is likely to accept this as a sincere acknowledgment. Someone who lacks confident beliefs might see or interpret it as an insincere “buttering up” to get or gain something, or an outright lie.

We also get continual feedback from our bodies and emotions. When we live our lives with negative or limiting beliefs, we get feedback from our body in the form of pains, aches, illnesses, lack of energy, etc.; and from our emotions; undesired feelings such as anxiety, depression, apathy, anger, grief, etc. These can provide some of the valuable clues we need to find our limiting beliefs. (Refer to appendices H, I, and K for more specifics on how these relate to our limiting beliefs.) As we identify some of them, our next step is to change them to positive ones in our subconscious minds.

For example, upper back problems are often symptoms of feeling a lack of support or love. Limiting beliefs might be that “I am unlovable,” “I don’t deserve love,” or “Loving is dangerous,” etc. Then, by entering the subconscious and changing these to “I am lovable,” “I deserve love,” and “loving is safe,” the cause and symptoms may be relieved. Of course physical difficulties may have advanced to a stage where recovery will take time, and the relief may not become apparent at once. The difficulty may also be at a stage where medical treatment is needed, and if so, such treatment should be sought. As an analogy, our house may be burning as a consequence of having limited beliefs that caused the probability of some form of destruction to become high; but at this point, our most urgent action to save it would be to call the fire department.

An anxiety problem is often a symptom of fear, and limiting beliefs which could be causing it are “I am powerless,” “I can’t trust myself,” or “I am helpless.” etc. By changing these in the subconscious to “I am powerful,” “I can trust myself” and “I am self reliant,” the fear and anxiety should be alleviated. It’s quite likely that other limiting beliefs making up the set causing anxiety will also need to be found and changed, for there may be several contributing factors.

In doing the focused observation and detective work to spot our limiting beliefs, we must bypass the tendency so many people have to place the responsibility elsewhere, i.e. to blame others, fate, or outside circumstances as the cause of our undesired experiences. Obviously, others do play a part in our experiences, but our vibrations attract certain people and through resonance, activate particular qualities in them, as well as creating environmental circumstances. Thus we set up the probability of having the unique experiences we have, and through our vibrations, of attracting others to play roles.

RECOGNIZING LIMITING BELIEFS ABOUT CHANGING

Unfortunately, we are likely to have some beliefs that limit the changes we allow ourselves to make. Change brings about different conditions in our lives, and we may have doubts about whether a change will really make us happier. We may be concerned that as we change we will affect the people close to us in different ways, and they may have trouble accepting the changes in us. We may be apprehensive that changing might lead to disaster, or that if we change we will fail. For some people, change seems to threaten their very existence; perhaps by threatening to expose their excuses or the unhealthy or dysfunctional roles they have adopted as a way of handling life, or to keep from getting hurt.

Some typical excuses and concerns are:

a. I have to control everything in my life, (by intimidation or by being weak.)

b. If I change I might be lonely, and I don’t want to risk it.

c. It might involve becoming more intimate and having to expose my shallowness, vulnerability, etc.

d. Change might expose my shame for what I have done or for just being who and what I am.

e. I might have to stop being self-obsessed.

f. I might have to give up self-pity and stop being a martyr.

g. I don’t or won’t deserve anything better.

Obviously, in order to change, you need to find and change your limiting beliefs regarding making changes. You may find in reading this that some of these forms of resistance apply to you. If so, make a note of them so that when you come to the chapter on how to find and change limiting beliefs, you can make these the first ones to change. Otherwise, they will stand in the way of you making the other changes that you want to make.

DEVELOPING A NEW WAY OF LOOKING AT EXPERIENCES

To find our limiting beliefs, we need to adopt a new way of looking at our experiences. Sometimes, to make the search less personal, it may help to get a stuffed doll or animal and use it as a substitute for yourself, a representation to whom to ask questions. Keep in mind that those limiting beliefs from which we create vibrations and unwelcomed experiences are in our subconscious. These are not necessarily logical and sometimes not even ones we can consciously imagine having. So we have to be open and imaginative in looking for them. Also, since beliefs are stored in sets or systems, there may be several linked beliefs which contribute to the particular vibrations leading to undesired experiences. It’s important to find and change as many in the set or system as possible, so even if some beliefs seem similar, make note of each one that comes to mind.

IDENTIFY THE AREAS OF UNDESIRED EXPERIENCES & LIMITING BELIEFS

To find one’s limiting beliefs, first identify the areas in which you have had some patterns of undesired experiences that you’d like to change. These are likely to have common characteristics. Here are some examples to which you might add some of your own:

Feeling anxious or fearful in certain life situations.

Feeling upset with people in particular relationships or circumstances.

Feeling let down or betrayed by others.

Experiencing a lack of success or recognition for your efforts in certain areas of your life.

Feeling purposeless or lacking motivation.

Encountering financial difficulties.

Having problems in relationships for which you may blame your mate or others.

Experiencing a lack of creativity or its expression.

Encountering learning difficulties.

Resisting change or feeling threatened by it.

Being unable to be as successful as one desires.

Experiencing ill health.

Once an area has been identified, then pose questions to yourself or your substitute such as, “What would someone (or the name of the stuffed animal) have to believe, particularly about himself, to be creating or allowing this type of undesired experience?”

“What inner conflicts might someone have that would cause that person to create this type of undesired experience?”

Always look for the most basic beliefs possible. These may lie at a deeper level than those which come to mind at first. For example, a person who has a belief that he is not able or competent in an area, or isn’t succeeding, might have beliefs of the type “I have no choice but to work in this area or field,” “I can’t trust myself,” “I’m stupid,” “I never do anything right,” “I’m irresponsible,” “I’m powerless,” “Whatever I do it will turn out to be wrong,” “I’m bad or evil,” “I’m a failure,” “No matter how hard I try, it never works out,” “Nothing comes easy,” “I have to ‘knock myself out’ to get anything done,” “I’m a misfit,” “I’m bad,” “I deserve punishment,” “I always gum things up.”

USING BLAME AS A LEAD FOR FINDING LIMITING BELIEFS

What a person blames another for provides useful clues regarding his limiting beliefs. As the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu stated in about 600 B.C:

Having what is called insight.
A good man, before he can help a bad man,
Finds in himself the matter with the bad man,
And whichever teacher
Discounts the lesson
Is as far off the road as the other,
Whatever else he may know.

Blaming is almost invariably a projection of a person’s limiting beliefs, particularly ones about himself, on to others or external factors. You can start by asking yourself, or the person whom you are assisting, “Regarding this experience, what am I blaming others for?” Then take the answers to this question and ask, “What aspect of what I am blaming others for may lie in me?” “In what ways might I be doing this to others or to myself?” “What would my underlying beliefs be, particularly about myself for me to do this?”

An example of applying this might come up when working with a wife who is having trouble in her relationship with her husband. She complains that he never listens to her. She could be asked; “What would someone have to believe about themselves for someone to not listen to them?” Then, write down any limiting beliefs that she comes up with. If some form of prompting seems needed, ask questions such as: “Might she believe that she is shallow, or boring, or has nothing interesting to say, is just an idle gossip, that she should be seen but not heard, etc.” Always come back to identifying what her basic beliefs might be, particularly ones she has about herself.

What a husband or wife blames the other for is almost always a reflection of the blamer’s limiting beliefs. So returning to our example of the wife, ask other questions to help her find additional limiting beliefs such as: “Who or what are you not listening to?” “To what inner signals from your emotions or body are you not listening?” “What intuitional messages are you disregarding?” “What aspirations are you ignoring?”

IDENTIFYING THE LACK OF PURPOSE AND ASPIRATIONS

An underlying and common element in individuals who are creating undesired experiences is a lack of purpose or excitement in life. We could say that these individuals are not in communication with their inner or higher selves i.e. that aspect of their being that operates at a non-physical, vibratory level. It directly effects the experiences in their daily lives. From that level aspirations evolve from the dimensions of thought and feeling into physical reality. If aspirations are not recognized, expressed and acted upon, a person is not likely to feel ‘centered’ and in harmony within himself. Instead, he will create negative or amorphous vibrations. When these vibrations exist, they are likely to produce experiences that the person doesn’t want. Not having one’s aspirations defined can be explored by asking questions such as, “What beliefs would someone be likely to have to not recognize his aspirations? These might be aspirations to be a person with certain abilities, or qualities such as good character, positive principles, integrity, trust, creativity in various areas, generosity, imagination, enthusiasm for life and involvement in life, commitment, love, empathy, depth of feeling, gratitude, forgiveness, etc. What beliefs might he have that would inhibit him from aspiring to and developing these qualities as fully as he might like to?”

“These might be aspirations to do certain things, like changing conditions, writing, teaching, selling, managing, directing, engaging in sports, etc. What beliefs might he have that would inhibit him from aspiring to and doing these things?”

“These might be aspirations to have certain things like facilities, equipment, housing, etc. What beliefs might he have that would inhibit him from aspiring to have and getting these things?”

One could also ask, “What have you dreamed or imagined being, doing or having that you rejected, or for which you allowed other’s attitudes to discourage you?” Identify what occurred and express the feelings you had. Then, ask, “What beliefs might someone have that would cause them to reject or not pursue their dreams?” If prompting seemed necessary, questions such as, “Might they believe they were unworthy or not deserving, that they were bad or evil, that they were of no importance, that their dreams are unreal, the future is dangerous, etc.”

It could also be helpful to ask what beliefs that he might have which would prevent him from being in communication with his inner or higher self?

PROCEDURE FOR FINDING LIMITING BELIEFS CAUSING ANXIETY, DEPRESSION AND HEALTH PROBLEMS

If you or a person with whom you are working is experiencing anxieties or depression, for reasons other than specific medical problems, the underlying beliefs are often ones such as: I lack self confidence and/or self trust, self worth, a sense of identity, or I am powerless, I can’t express my anger, I’m not deserving, I’m untrustworthy, I’m bad, I’m evil, I have to be in control but I’m not, I can’t trust, or even such beliefs as that I wouldn’t exist if I didn’t achieve such and such, or I’m nothing. If you or the person you are guiding has difficulty finding the basic beliefs which might be causing anxiety and/or depression, beliefs of this type may lay at the root. If they do, get a statement of the positive belief and change the limiting beliefs to positive ones. See Appendix H, I and K for additional questions.

When you or the person with whom you are working has health problems, a very useful reference is the excellent book, by Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life. In it she helps to relate symptoms for various maladies to the possible limiting beliefs. For example, Louise suggests that a person with asthma might examine probable causes such as: “Smothering love; inability to breath for one’s self; feeling stifled or suppressed crying.” Questions which might assist an asthmatic in finding his limiting beliefs might begin with: “What are your beliefs about love?” “Is it safe to give or to receive love?”

“Are there dangers in loving?” “Do you deserve love?” “Do you feel trapped by love?” “Are you afraid of being smothered by or smothering another with love?”

Regarding the issue of “inability to breathe for one’s self,” you could ask, “What would someone have to believe to not be able to breathe for oneself, breathe in a wider context; a taking in and giving out of life. You might suggest: “Might the person believe that he is powerless?” “That he can’t sustain himself in life?” You can ask if the person believes that he is weak or ineffective; can’t trust or depend on himself; that he is vulnerable, that it’s dangerous to take in things, etc.

For the third possible cause suggested by Louise, “feeling stifled,” one could begin by asking, “What would a person have to believe to feel stifled?” You could explore issues such as self trust, lack of ability, or beliefs that what he has to offer isn’t good enough, or that he is unable, isn’t creative, that he creates bad effects, is bad or evil, is unworthy, or that expression is dangerous, or might lead to exposure or embarrassment, etc.

From the fourth possible cause which Louise lists for asthma, suppressed crying, you could ask, “What would a person have to believe, particularly about himself to suppress crying?” After getting all of the answers that are readily available on this question, you might prompt further exploration by asking, “Might he-have a belief that he is powerless, helpless, weak or a victim?” “Could the person believe that emotions or expressing them is dangerous?” “Might the person believe that he is bad, has done something bad or deserves to be punished.”

Again, in suggesting possible beliefs, it can be helpful to use a stuffed animal or doll surrogate with a common name such as Sam or Lisa. Some people may take probing questions as accusative or evaluative, and become defensive, so a question such as “What would Sam or Lisa have to believe to suppress crying,” might be less threatening for the client, or less introverting to oneself.

by Mark Jones and Dr. Patricia Collette

8 Ways To Stay Calm When You’re Really Pissed Off

You know that feeling you get when someone says or does something that makes your blood boil? Your face turns red, your heart starts pounding, the muscles in your throat tighten and you get that queezy feeling in your stomach? When someone really pushes my buttons, my voice quivers.

Anger is the one emotion scientist have clearly correlated to physical illness. A little bit is fine and very natural but consistent anger is dangerous. When you lose your cool, your body releases epinephrine, your fight or flight hormones, which in turn tells your body it’s under stress, and in response, tenses up. Constant tension is linked to high blood pressure, heart attacks… you get the idea.

Controlling your anger means understanding why you feel it. Learning to release your anger in healthy ways will also allow you to live longer by helping reduce your stress. Whatever your physical or emotional reaction, here are some tips to help keep your cool to live another day.

1. Take a deep breath. When your ticked off, the body releases adrenalin that makes your heart rate increase and your blood pressure skyrocket. By taking a deep breath, you help lower your heart-rate which in turn sends a signal to your brain that the adrenalin isn’t needed. It also helps clear the cobwebs and bring clarity to the situation.

2. Remove yourself from the situation. If you feel your temperature starting to rise, walk away. Allow yourself to regain control of your emotions. Let the other person know you need a moment and you’ll be right back. After your out of view, take those deep breaths, splash water on your face, jump up and down, and mutter a few choice words. When your thinking clears up, return to the situation and deal with it.

3. Write it out. If your pissed off all the time, then a journal might be a way to draw out your frustrations. Document who you’re mad at and why. Getting your thoughts out in the open where you can read them can help release some pent up frustrations. If you want to start a journal… here’s a great place to start: MySelfDevelopment Journal. Best of all, it’s private and free.

4. Be aware of your trigger points. Pay attention to what it is that sets you off. What is it that pushes your buttons? Once you’ve identified some characteristics, take action when you find yourself in those situations. For example, if you know that you are easy to anger when tired, then don’t even attempt to carry on a major or emotional discussion with a significant other late at night. Just tell’em this really isn’t a good time and request you talk about it in the morning. Your not trying to avoid the situation, just reschedule it.

5. This too shall pass. Just keep reminding yourself this. It works. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. Any short term anger your feeling in the moment will pass. It’s only temporary. Don’t do something stupid you’ll regret later.

6. Rationalize your anger. I’m not talking about excusing it, but rather throwing some logic behind the emotion. Consider the reasons why your angry. This often makes the anger lose it’s punch. For example, if your angry because of jealousy over your significant other for whatever reason, then more careful consideration of the situation may bring some sanity to the circumstance. A good way to keep yourself in check is to ask a friend if your anger is warranted. Just make sure that when you relate the situation to the third party that you include all the details, which may mean admitting some fault and accepting some things that you may have been trying to deny.

7. Release. Believe it or not, lashing out actually increases the tension in your body. Instead, try to do something constructive with that energy like going for a run, doing some sit-ups, push-ups or whatever exercise your can do…. anything short of punching someone out.

8. Have some empathy. If it’s possible, try to understand the reason behind someone else’s behavior - true or not, it becomes less of an affront. For example, when someone cuts you off in traffic, consider why they may be in a hurry - perhaps he’s late to his daughters first piano recital - which is her last because she is dying of cancer.

Just some simple ideas that might make it a tad easier to deal with in the future. Take ownership of the anger and understand the reasons behind the emotions. It’s also important to make an apology when you have caused damage with your anger. If you’ve acted in a way that’s less than admirable, it’s probably a good idea to apologize. This helps mend the relationship and ensures that others aren’t smoldering in their anger toward you. And, oh yeah…. try to relax.

Written by: Robert Hunt

How To Swallow Your Fear

Navigating risky situations teaches you about yourself, increases your self-confidence, and helps you better manage life’s inevitable uncertainties.

Annette Van Horn had known for some time that there were problems with her marriage, but she didn’t get the courage to do anything about it until she learned to fly a plane. After only a day of instruction, she sat in the pilot’s seat. There she held the controls—and her fate—in her own hands. She knew if she didn’t focus and listen very, very carefully to the instructor’s directions, the plane could crash. The experience sent a powerful message: She could trust herself in a take-charge position. She also realized it was time she take control of her marriage.

Van Horn’s experience illustrates what a growing number of experts have found: Taking physical risks is good for you. Whether you’re piloting a single-engine plane, careening through rapids, or dangling from a cliff, successfully navigating risky situations teaches you about yourself, increases your self-confidence, and helps you better manage life’s inevitable uncertainties.

Read More “Swallow Your Fear“….

FEAR: It’ll Make You Scream, It’ll Make You Cry, It’ll Leave You Shaking In Your Boots

But don’t panic. Advice that will help you vanquish this enemy within. Fear is the real king of the jungle. It rules our actions, consciously or not. It makes us wuss out of skiing down a black-diamond slope and spaz out while hitting on that hot Lindsay Lohan look-alike. But why? And how can we stop it?

Remember that cost-cutting report you were supposed to deliver to your boss last week? How could you forget? You’ve thought of little else since the deadline came and went, and you’re pretty sure he hasn’t forgotten about it, either. You owe him an explanation, but you’re way too terrified to go into his office and give him an excuse.

Instead, you sit in your cubicle, sweating profusely, hyperventilating, imagining the worst. Now your boss is standing over you, grinding his molars–you can actually hear them. He waits for your explanation You want to tell him that a two-day deadline was perhaps a bit unrealistic. But you can’t. Your ears are buzzing. Your face feels hot. A bead of sweat falls from your forehead to your desk. This, you realize, is how the wounded gazelle feels facing the hungry lion on the savanna plains. You stagger on, but it’s useless. You can’t get away.

In this era of terror threats and job threats, of orange alerts at home and monkeypox abroad, we can’t avoid dread any more than we can control its cause. But we can control our fear. It starts with knowing the enemy. What often seems like an all-encompassing emotion is actually manufactured in a small knot of neurons called the amygdala, the brain’s Fear Command Center. When it senses a threat, it unleashes adrenaline and pumps blood to muscles, sharpening our senses and prepping us for action. How well we initially respond to challenges may largely be a function of biology.

Yale University’s Charles A. Morgan III, M.D., who’s currently studying the physiological toughness of Green Berets and Navy Seals, has found that his subjects have higher-than-normal levels of a brain hormone called neuropeptide Y, which he believes counters the adverse affects of an adrenaline surge. “They’re more relaxed and have clearer mental focus under severe stress,” explains Morgan. “They’re excited by risk, but they’re also very conscientious about performing well.”

Civilians like us can also benefit from high anxiety. Fear of failure, unemployment, and homelessness drives us out of bed and off to the office in the morning. And, when the pressure’s on, it helps us concentrate harder and focus more. It’s when panic gets in the way of work, say, or our sex lives that we should really be scared.

Psychologists, sex therapists, and others trained to treat these so-called “performance-based” fears will tell you there’s no miracle cure for panic. But we can keep it from ruling our lives. Here’s how.

At Work

A creative executive once worked for a brilliant guy who managed by reign of terror. When he wasn’t reaming the staff during meetings, he was tearing apart their work, constantly dismissing it as the worst he had ever seen. And that was on a good day. The entire crew was working scared until someone got the nerve to confront him. Suddenly, the verbal tirades stopped. The lesson? Whether we’re terrified of a bullying boss or an impossible deadline, the most effective way to wrangle fear at work is to face it down–the sooner the better.

“One of the chief causes of stress is avoiding stress,” says Ben Dattner, Ph.D., an organizational psychologist and the president of Dattner Consulting, L.L.C., in New York. “If your boss sets unrealistic sales goals, you’re going to have to confront that sooner or later.” We need to learn how to stand up to the big man and, similarly, get over our dread of falling short. Some strategies:

* If that big assignment finds you hiding beneath your desk, it may be because you’re still hung up on some past failure. Eileen Wolkstein, a career counselor and executive coach in New York, suggests focusing on a recent achievement–such as when you earned praise for your work on an earlier project or even when you broke through the 300-pound ceiling on the bench press. Think about the effort you poured into those tasks–the grit, the stamina. Now do the same with your new assignment. As Wolkstein notes, “A lot of skills you’ve developed elsewhere can transfer to your job.”

* When you’ve got a beef with a workplace superior, write it out before confronting him, suggests Wolkstein. Then choose an ideal delivery time, such as when he’s not overwhelmed. (FYI: In the men’s room is not a good moment.) And don’t be combative: Use “I” not “You.” (Correct: “I feel this idea won’t work.” Incorrect: “Your idea is butt-headed.”) “Your message will be better appreciated if you engage in a dialogue,” says Wolkstein. “You’re not there to be right. You’re there to communicate.”

In Society

When top football running back Ricky Williams was a rookie with the New Orleans Saints, he was a panicky head case. He’d conduct post-game interviews with his helmet strapped on, and he’d recoil from giddy fans, feeling sick to his stomach. So great was his terror of speaking to people, he couldn’t even place an order at Burger King. “I thought everyone was staring at me all the Time,” he later told Sports Illustrated. “The stress skewed my view of reality.”

With the help of a therapist, Williams eventually overcame social-anxiety disorder, a disease that afflicts some 10 million Americans. It can be a dread of something specific, such as talking at a shareholders’ meeting, or a more widespread panic. But both are generally fueled by a profound fear of rejection–a feeling everyone can relate to (even you). The next time social interaction drives you into a cold sweat, consider these game plans from Charles di Cagno, director of the Public Speaking & Social Anxiety Center in New York:

* Scared to give that presentation? “Practice in a similar situation,” says di Cagno. First, rehearse standing in front of friends with your hands at your side and your feet in place (that is, don’t sway). Next, get comfortable reading aloud, going at an even pace and pronouncing every word. Then try speaking for a couple of minutes on a topic you know cold. Now prep your speech, outlining just a few key points and anecdotes. “If you work in manageable steps,” promises di Cagno, “you’ll build confidence faster than by just doing a presentation to death.”

At Play

From the chairlift it looked simple enough. A quick chute through some aspens, a patch of moguls, then nothing but lush, untouched snow. But your gut drops as you stand atop your snowboard, 12,000 feet up, staring down a 50-degree run. Whose idea was this? Oh, yeah–your stupid friends, who are already gouging the powder with hard, swooping eurocarves. But you can’t bail now. So you plunge in, and right away you know you’re going way too fast. You can’t turn, can’t stop, can’t even breathe. And the trees? They’re speeding right at you? You crouch low and tight, bracing for impact, thanking God and the guy at the board shop for your shiny new helmet.

This moment of prime-time terror is brought to you courtesy of a biological phenomenon called the anxiety curve. When our emotional state is at the lower end, we don’t feel much fear or pressure, so we’re easily bored and distracted. When we’re on the high end, our panic is so great that we can’t focus on anything but our fear. By controlling our dread of big waves or nasty slopes, we can learn to perform somewhere in the middle–or that ideal state of excitement that sports psychologists call “the Zone.” The surest way to get there is to face down challenges and tune out that voice that says, “No way, dude?’ Try these mantras instead:

* What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Research has shown that the more we Pace a terrifying challenge–like that 50-degree slope–the better we perform. “If you’ve successfully dealt with a certain stress before,” explains Yale’s Morgan, “you can fall back on a memory of behavior. You’ll perceive that you have more control, and that gives you confidence.” But just boarding or surfing isn’t enough. Board or surf in the very conditions that freak you out. Then keep doing it, again and again.

* I think I can, I think I can.

Block out thoughts like, “The wave is too big” or “The trail is too steep.” These fern’s become self-fulfilling prophecies, says New York clinical sports psychologist Jonathan K Katz, Ph.D., because they drain our energy. “I’ve constantly told Wimbledon players to focus on the next point, not the one they just lost;’ says Katz, who’s also worked with Olympic hopefuls and some New York Mets. So what if you ate coral a minute ago? Get out of your head and back on the wave.

FEAR FACTORY

In his five seasons as executive producer of the NBC reality TV series Feor Factor, Matt Kunitz has become an authority on freaking people out. “We try to tap into people’s primal fears,” says Kunitz. “Fear of heights. Fear of spiders and snakes. Drowning. We’ve done a lot with cockroaches.” He’s especially proud of a stunt from last season, in which contestants were wrapped in a body bag then submerged underwater. “It was a simple thing to get out of, but five out of the six panicked completely,” he says. “The one guy who made it went last, so he knew exactly what to do.”

Kunitz, bemoans the fact that the most successful contestants often make for TV bores. “The big, macho guys–they rarely win,” he says. “It’s not about being physical, it’s about focus and being in the right mind-set.”

This year Kunitz is really aiming to crush morale. “We’re going to put them on a metal beam and shoot 2 million volts of Tesla lightning bolts at their heads,” he says giddily. “It’s going to be complete psychological terror.”

L.C. Smith is a freelance writer living in Brooklyn. He’s not afraid of anything–except his dentist.

Why Do We Stress?

If you do an on-line search on stress, you’ll find a lot of web sites that do a good job of identifying stress with quizzes and tools that measure your level of stress. There’s even a website that has a test to determine whether you even have stress at all… and if they convince you that you do, they’re ready and willing to sell you the cure.

That’s all fine and well, but if I’m stressed, I want to get to the root of the problem. Sure, stress may be because your job is demanding, or the kids are screaming and the bills are due when there’s no money in the bank. Those are stressful situations, but why are they stressful situations?

The first answer that pops in the mind of many is because I can’t pay the bills and I don’t have any control over the situation. Many think they wouldn’t stress if they had control over they’re environment. “If my job wasn’t demanding and I could pay the bills, then it wouldn’t be so stressful.”

Is that really true? If you had more coin in the bank and a really cool career, then your life wouldn’t be so stressful. Or would it?

In this example, are career and money really the root cause of stress? If it wasn’t your job, or the lack of money, it would probably be something else. I know for a fact, people who are rich are not immune to stress. And individuals who have some pretty amazing careers still experience a certain amount of stress that goes along with the pressure’s of most any career.

So what causes the stress in our lives and how do we handle it? I’m one of those people who completely agree that we are the one’s who induce ALL of the stress we experience in our lives. Not just some of it, or a little bit of it…. but all of it. We induce stress in our lives, because at the root of it all, we harbor fear.

I know, some of you are thinking… right… he doesn’t have a clue. The guy who hit my car; nooo… he didn’t have anything to do with my stress levels. Or how about the fact I can’t pay my mortgage, I suppose that’s my fault? What about my job? They’re closing the plant down next week and I suppose that has nothing to do with my level of stress?

What I’m saying is this. In each and every one of those circumstances, if we can come to appreciate and understand the power of our control, we can ultimately begin to change the circumstances that we believe to be the cause of our stress.

Let’s take an example. Suppose you can’t make the mortgage - pretty stressful stuff for most people. Like most people, you don’t really care why it’s stressful; you just want to pay the mortgage so that the stress goes away. I completely understand but if you can’t pay it this month, chances are your going to encounter a similar situation the following month.

Ok, so you’ve decided to figure out why you’re stressed over the mortgage. The obvious reason is because you fear you will lose your home. If you lose your home, you’ll have no place to live, and if you have no place to live, you’ll be walking the streets, and if you end up walking the streets, someone might attack you, and if someone attacks you, you could end up dead and if you end up dead… then you won’t have to worry about the mortgage.

Believe it or not, some people will use that train of thought. But let’s flip it a little. When you experience the inability to pay the mortgage and you are bursting with stress, what is the fear here? When you come down to it, it is the fear of powerlessness. When your talking about any sense of stress, you can always link it back to a fear of being powerless.

Without getting too esoteric here, the reason you are feeling powerless is because you have not identified with that part of you which is creating the situation in the first place. You are the reason you cannot pay your mortgage… not your job or circumstances. Your powerlessness stems from the thoughts and actions you have been processing on a continual basis.

I’m not referring to some new age mama jama. I’m talking about a mindset that says, I don’t have the ability to alter my circumstances for the better, or if I do, it’s very limited. I am powerless to the will of a higher power and if I can’t pay the mortgage, then that’s just the way it is.

And what I’m saying is…. YOU are the higher power. If you were powerful enough to create the inability to pay, you are just as powerful to create the circumstances to actually pay the house off. I know that’s a leap from some people, but if you manage the responsibility of your thoughts, you can reduce, or better yet, eliminate the stress in your life.

There is an article here that goes into greater detail on the law of attraction and how we bring these “stressful situations” in our lives, but in a nutshell, you bring all circumstances in your life by what you tend to focus on. You keep focusing on the fact you can’t pay your mortgage, then that is what you will continually engage.

If you want to reduce or eliminate the stress if your life, then you’re going to have to shift the way you think. This isn’t new or earth shattering information. It’s been well documented. But this is a mindset change you’re probably not going to be able to do overnight. It’s a gradual process that takes time, effort and practice. You have to want to change with the belief you are the creator of your life and not subject to the whims of a God or an unfair universe.

And remember, if all of this is nonsense to you, then just do what my Dad use to tell me…”don’t sweat the small stuff; and it’s all small stuff”. Only he didn’t use the word “stuff”.

Copyright 2006 Robert Hunt

Fear of Commitment

Susan, 38, sought my help because she was in two relationships at the same time. This didn’t feel right to her, so she knew that she had to make a choice. Yet she could not seem to decide which relationship was right for her. Susan had been in a relationship with Shawn for two years. Shawn, 43, was a delightful man, fun loving and sweet. However, Shawn would emotionally disappear for long periods of time, and he was clear that he did not want children – which was very important to Susan. In addition, Shawn was always living on the edge financially. Then Susan met Calvin, who was totally different than Shawn. Calvin stayed emotionally present, had a job he loved and made very good money, and wanted to have children. Susan was very attracted to Calvin and in her heart she knew that he was a much better choice for her than Shawn. Yet she could not seem to let go of Shawn.

As we explored the situation, it became apparent that Susan couldn’t let go of Shawn because she was terrified of commitment. With Shawn there was no chance of being in a committed relationship – he was not really available. Yet Susan felt “safe” with Shawn. Safe from what?Susan discovered that she was terrified of really being in love, which was a possibility with Calvin but not with Shawn. In her mind, being in love meant losing her freedom. When she thought of being with Calvin, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her concept of a loving relationship was that, “You are together all the time. I couldn’t just go and be with my friends or take a vacation with a friend. Commitment means giving up freedom.”

No wonder she felt safe with Shawn! As long as Susan felt she had to give herself up to be in a loving relationship, she would not be able to make a commitment.

Douglas, 34, another client of mine, has the exact same problem. When he is in a relationship, he is a very “nice guy.” He tends to try to please his partner because, in his mind, taking care of himself and doing the things he wants to do is selfish. Yet, in giving himself up to his partner, he ends up resenting her and ending the relationship. Like Susan, he is operating under the false belief that he has to give up his personal freedom to be in a loving relationship. Both Susan and Douglas have a major false belief that is causing their fear of commitment: that loving another person means doing what that person wants instead of staying true to themselves and taking loving care of themselves. They both have a false definition of selfish. They think they are being selfish if they take care of themselves instead of care-take their partners. I offered them this definition of selfish: Selfish is when you expect someone else to give themselves up for you – to not do what they want to do and instead do what you want them to do. Selfish is when you do not support others in taking loving care of themselves and instead expect them to take care of you. Giving yourself up is a form of control. You want to control how the other person feels about you by doing what they want you to do. When you do what another person wants you to do from love and caring, with no agenda to get their approval, you feel wonderful. But when you give yourself up from fear of your partner’s anger or withdrawal, you will feel trapped and resentful. To be in a committed relationship, your first commitment needs to be to yourself – to your truth, integrity and freedom. Learning to take loving care of yourself is the key to healing a fear of commitment. When you are taking loving care of yourselfFind Article, you will be filled with love and you will have much love to share with your partner!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com

[tags]fear, relationships, commitment [/tags]