It Takes Backbone To Live The Life You Want

Great commentary over at Big Hollywood and the new movie “Revolutionary Road” which examines the struggle to pursue our dreams versus living a life that society deems appropriate.

An excerpt:

“It’s about the common 20-something realization that “being special” isn’t bestowed upon one at birth, it’s something only we can make for ourselves. It’s about the excuses we find to believe that the trappings of success are not only an acceptable substitute but also a responsible and wise alternative for life choices that most of the world labels “immature” and “careless.” It’s about acting as if we regret not “taking chances” when in fact we are utterly relieved. It’s about being honest with oneself that there are tremendous opportunities in life, and how few of those called to do something out of the ordinary actually answer that voice. And it’s about the pain some feel when they understand just what they’ve passed up.”

Check it out here: Big Hollywood

Muscial Savants

Derek, now in his early twenties, was born premature, at 25 weeks, and weighing just over half a kilogram. As a result of the oxygen therapy required to save his life, Derek lost his sight, and his development was affected too. It later became apparent that he had severe learning difficulties. However, he soon acquired a fascination for music and sound, and, by the age of four, had taught himself to play a large number of pieces on the piano, of some melodic and harmonic complexity (such as ‘Smoke Gets in your Eyes’). Almost inevitably, with no visual models to guide him, his technique was chaotic, and he his elbows would frequently be pressed into service, as he strove to reach intervals beyond the span of his tiny hands!

At this time, his enormous potential was recognised by Adam Ockelford, then music teacher at Linden Lodge School for the Blind in London. In due course, weekly and then daily lessons were arranged, in an extensive programme of tuition that was to last for several years. Painstakingly (though physical demonstration and imitation) Derek acquired the foundations of technique that were necessary for him to move forward. His natural affinity for jazz, pop and light music soon became evident; together with his improvisatory talents, ability to play in any key, and flair for performing in public!

Derek ParaviciniDerek’s first major concert was at the Barbican Halls in London, when he was just 9 (in 1989). He played jazz with the Royal Philharmonic Pops Orchestra. Numerous national and regional television appearances followed, in the UK and overseas. His increasing maturity both as a person and performer enabled him to give concerts in venues across England and in Europe; among them, Ronnie Scott’s renowned jazz club in London.

Today, Derek is a student at Redhill College in Surrey, England, run by the Royal National Institute of the Blind. He attends courses at ‘SoundScape’ — a unique performing arts centre for young adults with learning difficulties and exceptional musical abilities or needs. His talent, love of music, and — above all — the ability to communicate through sound means he will continue to thrill audiences for years to come in the UK and abroad.

Rex Lewis-Clack

Rex was born blind, with brain damage so severe it looked as though he would never walk, talk, or do much of anything. And yet he has a talent few of us can imagine. To understand Rex’s brain would be to unlock mysteries of language, memory, and music.

Rex at age eight was a study in contrasts. Blind and full of enthusiasm, Rex was unable to dress himself, or even carry on a basic conversation.

But with everything Rex can’t do, he can instantly identify any note that is played for him. It’s a talent only one in 10,000 people have.

But that was just the beginning of Rex’s gifts at the piano.

Rex played a song he had never heard – “Do You Know the Way to San Jose” – with Rex’s piano teacher singing along. Despite not being able to see the keys, Rex was able to play the song himself after a single hearing.

Rex is a musical savant, one of a handful of people in the world who share a mysterious combination of blindness, mental disability, and musical genius.

But away from the piano, Rex was a different child, easily upset and confused by basic concepts.

Does damage in one part of the brain somehow enable brilliance to develop in another part of the brain? Do these abilities lie dormant somewhere within all of us?

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The Law Of Life

Whatever you give away today or think or say or do
Will multiply about tenfold and then return to you

It may not come immediately, nor from the obvious source,
but the Law applies unfailingly through some invisible force.

Whatever you feel about another, be it love or hate or passion,
Will surely balance right back to you in some clear or secret fashion

If you speak about a person, a word of praise or two,
soon tons of people will speak kind words of you

Our thoughts are broadcasts of the soul, not secrets of the brain.
Kind ones bring us happiness, petty ones bring untold pain.

Giving works as surely as reflections in a mirror, if you send hate,
hate you get back, but loving brings love nearer.

Remember as you start this day, and duty crowds your mind,
that kindness comes so quickly back to those who first are kind..

Let that thought and this one direct you through each day…
The only things we ever keep are the things we give away.

~Anonymous

Seven Medical Myths

How much truth is there to all that hand-me-down medical advice that even doctors don’t dare refute? In the British Medical Journal, U.S. doctors Rachel Vreeman and Aaron Carroll examined whether these common medical beliefs should really be doing the rounds.

“READING IN LOW LIGHT RUINS YOUR EYESIGHT”

Reading in dim light may make your eyes sore, but it won’t ruin eyesight as commonly believed. Turns out that this soreness is only temporary; there are no permanent negative physiological effects on your eyes. A study published in the British Medical Journal in 2002 suggested that such straining of the eyes could result in myopia (short-sightedness) based on the fact that the incidence of myopia has increased in the past few centuries. This may be the case, but we no longer rely on candles or gas lights to read, so dim lighting cannot be the reason for this increase in short-sightedness.

“SHAVED HAIR GROWS BACK FASTER AND DARKER”

To wax or to shave? Waxing advocates will tell you that shaving causes hideous stubble to grow back faster and darker than the hair that existed before. However, since 1928, several clinical trials have shown that shaving has no effect on hair thickness or rate of growth. So why do shaved legs feel less smooth than waxed legs a week later? The stubble that comes after shaving grows without the taper seen at the ends of unshaven hair, creating the illusion of increased coarseness.

“DRINK EIGHT GLASSES OF WATER A DAY”

Do we really need to drink eight glasses of water a day to stay healthy? This thinking may have originated from a recommendation made in 1945 when the U.S. National Research Council advised that a suitable allowance of water for adults is 2.5 L daily – equivalent to about eight glasses. Existing studies show that we obtain a lot of fluid through drinking juice, milk and hot drinks, and by absorption through food, negating the need to drink that much water. In fact, ingesting very large volumes of water – around 20 L - can actually be dangerous, causing blood dilution and eventually death, particularly if your kidney function is subnormal or you suffered a recent head injury.

“YOU ONLY USE 10 PER CENT OF YOUR BRAIN”

While certain people we know might seem to use only 10 per cent of their brains, advances in neuroscience have proved that lesions to any part of the brain can have negative effects on behavioural and mental capabilities. In his book, Mind-Myths: Exploring Popular Assumptions About the Mind and Brain, the late neuroscientist, Barry Beyerstein wrote about the origin of this myth and the evidence against it. We now know that certain functions are localised in different regions of the brain, which means that we may only use a small part of our brain to perform a certain task, and the active region of the brain used depends on the task performed. However, detailed anatomical and brain imaging studies have failed to identify this so-called “non-functioning 90 per cent” of the brain.

“MOBILE PHONES INTERFERE WITH MEDICAL EQUIPMENT”

In June 1994, The Wall Street Journal published the headline, “Clutter on airwaves can block workings of medical electronics” after a journal article in Health Facilities Management cited over 100 reports of suspected mobile phone interference with medical devices. There is some evidence from early studies that interference could happen at distances of less than one metre, but technological improvements have eliminated this. A 2007 study published in Mayo Clinic Proceedings found no mobile phone interference with medical electronic equipment in 300 tests of 75 treatment rooms.

“HAIR AND NAILS GROW AFTER YOU DIE”

Don’t believe everything you may see on CSI – hair and fingernails do not continue to grow after death. There is actually a biological basis for this myth, however, as forensic anthropologist William Maples explains in his novel Dead Men Do Tell Tales: The Strange and Fascinating Cases of a Forensic Anthropologist. After death the skin around the hair or nails dehydrates and recedes, giving the appearance of increased length. In fact, the growth of hair and nails requires complex hormonal processes, which do not occur post-mortem.

“EATING TURKEY MAKES YOU SLEEPY”

Don’t eat turkey and operate heavy machinery, as it may make you drowsy, suggests the common wisdom. Turkey meat contains the chemical tryptophan, an essential amino acid involved in making serotonin, a neurotransmitter that regulates sleep and mood control. But chicken and minced beef also contain similar levels of tryptophan (approximately 0.31 g per 100 g) while food such as cheese contains more tryptophan per gram than turkey. What is actually making you sleepy after a big Christmas dinner is probably not the turkey, but alcohol, bad conversation, relatives and a carbohydrate-laden meal.

by Michelle Kovacevic
Cosmos Online

Honorable Manhood

Closing moments from the 1st segment of Ken Burns “Civil War”. Letter from Sullivan Ballou to his wife just before his death. Unfortunately, Sarah never received the letter. Sullivan’s letter was not found until years after the war… and Sarah’s death.

To the hope that there is a universal feeling of undying love in all of us.

July the 14th, 1861
Washington DC

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death — and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and “the name of honor that I love more than I fear death” have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar — that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night — amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father’s love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God’s blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

The Action

Great article over at PluginID which examines the human potential to improve performance based on visualizing success.

“An article written in the mid-20th Century by Research Quarterly put together a study on the actions effects in relation to basketball free throws. 3 Groups took part in throwing basketballs for 20 days, measured on their results in the first and last day. The first group actually practiced shooting hoops every morning, the second group didn’t do anything for the 20 days and the third group performed the ‘action’.

The first group improved 24%, the second group showed no improvement and the third group improved by 23%.”

How did the third group, which performed the ‘action’, manage to improve performance without actually shooting free throws like the first group?

Read more at PluginID

Seven Things No One Tells You About Marriage

Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, “This is so not what I signed up for.”

Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale.

2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes work,” you assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naivete, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done — it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

“It’s like losing weight,” says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. “You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it’s a lifestyle. That’s marriage. The effort is a forever thing.” So don’t be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you’re struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds “Never go to bed angry” doesn’t know what it’s like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I’ve got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I’ve found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you’re both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. “This was a huge lesson for me,” says Andrea. “As women we’ve been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I’d let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day.”

4. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It’s really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It’s just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more “right” I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he’s right most of the time (go figure!). So we’d lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband’s. “I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage,” says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. “Now I see that I’m not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There’s more gray in life than I thought, and that’s taught me patience and the value of compromise.”

5. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won’t break us; they’ll only make us stronger.

6. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the ’80s sci-fi cult classic “Making Mr. Right?” When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich’s android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

7. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, “I’ll call you at 8.” Then, just to try to trip me up, he’d call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn’t figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn’t happen.

I’d like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I’ve come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I’ve had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.

That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

Reprinted from Yahoo Personals

12 Bad Boy Types

Ok ladies.. this one’s for you… and guys. If you thought there was just one kind of Mr. Wrong, think again. The authors of “He’s Just NO Good for You,” Beth Wilson with Mo Therese Hannah, Ph.D., present a dozen destructive men whom you’re better off not having in your love life. There are some surprising types among them — “the nice guy,” “the pillar of the community” and “the self-righteous progressive.” I’m not sure there’s anything left.. but a good read nonetheless.

Adapted excerpt from “He’s Just NO Good for You”
From GPP Life, an imprint of The Globe Pequo

The Corrector

He’s always amending your opinions to fit his own — insisting you like the same things he does, when he knows that isn’t really the case, and he readily hints about his preferences until you catch on and comply. While you may think of him as particular or fussy, the truth is, he cannot tolerate views that differ from his. The onslaught of questions like, “Why don’t you wear the red dress?” can be never-ending, but the corrector isn’t really looking for answers so much as trying to herd you into submission.

The Charmer

A dictionary might describe a charmer as someone who has the power to please others through his personality. While these men may be adept at figuring out what you like, once the charmer attaches himself, flattery and humor can be used to manipulate. Sadly, when you try to tell others what you’re experiencing, they often don’t believe “such a great guy” could do such a bad thing. Once you catch on to his charming façade, it can be maddening to see him charm the pants off of others.

The “Nice Guy”

Genuinely good guys are kind, considerate, loyal, loving, playful, humorous, sweet individuals who truly like women and like anyone else can have bad days, grouchy moods and occasional tempers. The difference between real nice guys and destructive men who successfully play the nice guy is that for the latter, the negative characteristics are the norm. They can be impatient, bossy, judgmental and self-absorbed. Perhaps more important, there is an underlying agenda designed to keep a woman down.

The Pillar of the Community

Graduated with honors; loved by his management team; pitched in to help orchestrate the local holiday parade … the profile is perfect. However, it’s woefully incomplete. These seemingly credible men have money or prestige or power, or all three, which makes them look very good from the outside. This kind of guy often uses subtle forms of verbal abuse, mind games and emotional terrorism as tools of control that go completely unnoticed by others, who are too busy admiring his new car.

The Control Freak

Perhaps he calls your cell phone or e-mails you repeatedly, as if to prove his love and offer signs of affection. But the questions are always the same: “Where are you? Who’s with you?” He presents his controlling behaviors as concerned overtures or love, but in reality, he’s grooming you to respond to his beck and call whether it’s through cyberspace, phone signals or face-to-face conversations. You might feel something’s wrong, but you feel wanted, so it’s often easier to just accept his controlling behavior.

The Abuser

This guy’s basic world view is that men are superior to women. These types often have dangerous tempers, can easily form a fist if a woman will not bend to their will and are notorious for grabbing too hard, accosting with “love taps” to remind us who’s stronger, pulling hair, throwing objects close to us, and so on. For the abuser, verbal, psychological and physical violence are simply a way of life.

The Passive-Aggressive

These men habitually send mixed messages in order to string you along. They contradict themselves in the same sentence, and characteristically have an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility that’s hidden under the guises of innocence, generosity or, more likely passivity. Like a perpetual teenager, these men need an adversary — someone whose demands and expectations they can resist in order to work out their aggression and feel powerful in some small way. And that someone is usually YOU.

The Self-Righteous Progressive

These seemingly liberal-minded fellows tend to travel in academic, social-justice and political circles, but they are much better at talking about high principles than actually incorporating them into their lives. These progressive types have an uncanny ability to gloss over their own behavior as they focus on the wrongdoing of others who display the same psychological and emotional warfare. This type of man is alluring because it appears that he wants to make the world a better place. Yet, he doesn’t want to afford you the same rights he fights for so vehemently on the political or social scene.

The New Age Man

The New Age Man has probably been in therapy to “work on himself,” and he’s attracted to a wide range of feel-good pseudo-religions. If he has problems with substance abuse, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, infidelity, anger management, controlling and manipulative behaviors, he manages to avoid dealing with them. Instead, he prays harder, meditates more frequently and indulges in yet another self-help book. Rather than taking a look at themselves, these men “correct” our views, invalidate our feelings and belittle us in condescending tones with their superior intellect and “spiritual knowledge.”

The Narcissist

Inevitably, the narcissist always finds a way to bring the focus back to himself. Repeatedly trying to connect with narcissists is abusive to your essential self, because they’re not interested in you, except for what you provide for them. Narcissists are known to judge others in their households for annoying behaviors that they themselves may have exhibited just a few minutes earlier. When they feel you are not providing them with your full attention, they respond with guilt-inducing tirades, put-downs and reasons to dramatically leave the house so they don’t have to put up with your “foul” treatment.

The Predator

These types range from callow and calculating con men to full-blown sociopaths. No matter where a man falls on the spectrum — and even though he may not blatantly exhibit the extreme behavior commonly thought to be the providence of the sociopath — the core characteristics are the same: ruthless, coldhearted, deceptive, narcissistic and devoid of genuine empathy and compassion. Though the word “sociopath” conjures up images of ruthless criminal assailants, it’s important to remember that an estimated one in 25 people is a sociopath, with no capacity to love or empathize.

The Addict

Addictions are generous diseases. They not only change the addict but also “infect” those close to him. The addict’s unpredictability, his withdrawal from those close to him, his verbal battering and mercurial moods all create a tense environment with which those who remain nearby must contend. In these situations, you feel alone, and you usually are. After all, the man you’ve been living with, dating or married has his primary relationship with whatever his addiction is, not with you.

Adapted excerpt from “He’s Just NO Good for You”
From GPP Life, an imprint of The Globe Pequot Press

So You Have A Pounding Headache…

For those who tied it on last night… the anatomy of a headache…. from Men’s Health

Oh, the pain, the pain. You went and let that party get the better of you. Now your muscles ache, your stomach is doing back flips, and it feels as if the marching band has decided to use your cerebellum as a big bass drum.

If you choose to drink, then you know a hangover can be the price you pay. You just keep forgetting how bad it makes you feel. So what is it about alcohol, anyway, that causes you so much misery? And is there anything you can do about it? Here’s a quick picture of what happens to your body every time you let a beer keg get the better of you.

First off, alcohol affects you by a simple formula: The more you drink, the more your system has to work overtime to flush it all out. Your brain says “party,” but it’s hard for your body to keep up.

For one thing, drinking to excess is like barging in on your central nervous system without knocking. Special sensitivity receptors embedded in your nerve-cell membranes were happily binding with important neurotransmitters until the booze showed up. Alcohol spoils the moment by throwing those receptors out of whack and upsetting those nerve cells. And it’s not enough that the booze ruined your brain’s evening: As your body purges alcohol the next morning, your central nervous system stays unbalanced and stressed out enough to cause vomiting, tremors, and agitation.

For another, as you consume alcohol, it metabolizes into acetaldehyde, which in high concentrations can cause rapid pulse, sweating, and nausea. Mix in that some booze contains flavor, taste, and color enhancers known as congeners that also add to hangover symptoms.

Besides forcing your system to deal with an army of its toxic byproducts, alcohol zeroes in on specific body functions and throws them off balance.

Drinking dries you out

Though it may seem as if you’re flooding your system every time you fill your party cup, you’re actually losing fluids as you drink. That morning-after thirst, dizziness, headache, and dry throat spell one thing—dehydration.

You’re all dried out because alcohol functions as a diuretic, encouraging your kidneys to create more urine by suppressing your body’s levels of the anti-diuretic hormone vasopressin. And the more trips to the bathroom you make, the more you deplete your body’s reservoir of fluids. Add an episode of vomiting or a case of the “sweats,” and you throw off your electrolyte balance even more.

Drinking disrupts your stomach

A few drinks might relax your mood, but they put your stomach on full alert. Alcohol inflames your stomach lining and increases production of gastric acid, as well as pancreatic and intestinal digestive fluids. Throw your stomach into overdrive with drinks, and you increase your risk of throwing up.

Drinking alters your blood sugar

As alcohol makes its way through your system, it disrupts your body’s production of natural sugars, or glucose. It also causes your liver to accumulate fat compounds known as triglycerides and adds lactic acid to your body fluids, both of which can trigger low glucose, or mild hypoglycemia. Since glucose is your brain’s chief fuel, low glucose levels can make you feel tired, weak, and irritable-all standard-issue hangover symptoms.

Drinking screws up your sleep

Funny how your hangover feels like the time you pulled an all-nighter during finals. That’s because alcohol disrupts your normal sleep patterns, decreasing the time you spend in REM (rapid eye movement) sleep and increasing your deep, or slow-wave, sleep. You’re effectively turning your body clock on its head and giving yourself “jet lag.”

The best defense

How to stay ahead of the game and possibly outwit hangovers ahead of time? First of all, you could choose not to drink. But if you do, having just one or two, spreading your consumption out over the course of an evening, and drinking water between drinks will help your system step up to the job. Avoid mixing alcohol with nicotine or other drugs, and consider grabbing some chow before heading out for the evening. A stomach even slightly full will slow down alcohol’s trip into your bloodstream.

Once you’re home and ready to crash (or if it’s already morning and you’re squinting at this while nursing a pounding head), try to chug down some water or juice to restore your electrolytes and keep you hydrated. Be careful about grabbing a tablet of anything: Aspirin can upset your already-grouchy stomach, and acetaminophen, such as Tylenol, can damage your liver when it meets the alcohol still in your system. And forget about “the hair of the dog that bit you.” More booze will only restore alcohol to your already-addled system and prolong the pain.

The best cures? Get some more sleep, give it time. And consider laying off the alcoholic drinks in favor of water, juice, or soda next time.

By Tony Farrell, Men’s Health