How To Improve Your Personality

We’re hard wired. Personality, intelligence, ability - it’s all set at an early age. Personality in particular. It’s just the way you are. One of your “attributes” might get in the way of a better life, but why try to fight it and fail?

In studying personality, psychologists often have pegged the age of final jelling as early as 5 and as late as 30. In other words, adults past they’re 20’s should just forget about making meaningful changes.

Well, chin up.

Several personality psychologists have begun to say the “set in stone” premise has gone too far. Research is showing that individuals’ personalities do change over time, that personality change is ongoing.

Most important they say, motivated people with the right outlook and some common sense strategies can tweak they’re traits to work better for them.

Expert Perspectives

Here’s how Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychology professor with a recent book on the topic, looks at personality change:

“You need more than motivation, you need the right belief system.” Dweck, author of “Mindset, The New Psychology of Success,” about personality tweaks, said people have one of two mindsets: fixed versus growth.

People with the fixed mind-set believe intelligence and personality traits are deep-seated and fixed. People with a growth mind-set believe personality and intelligence can be developed and cultivated.

Growth mind-set people are certain they can change and improve, Dweck said. Fixed mind-set people listen to the voice in they’re heads that says, “watch out, failure ahead,” she said. After a setback, that voice says, “Pull out now.”

Dweck studied pre-med students taking an organic chemistry course. All were highly motivated to get good grades. Two groups emerged among those who weren’t performing as well as they hoped. One group quickly concluded organic chemistry simply wasn’t they’re thing. The other group didn’t talk in those terms. They believed they could get better and made plans to do so.

In the end, the students with growth mind-sets outperformed students with fixed mind-sets, who were less resilient and had more fear, she said.

“You have to believe first that change is possible, and you need to understand that change comes through systematic strategies,” Dweck said.

A person’s personality traits no doubt change over time, said Steve Ilardi, associate professor of psychology at the University of Kansas. An irresponsible 15-year-old can become a responsible 25-year-old, Ilardi said. That’s because personalities develop and mature with age and in response to circumstances.

But can a irresponsible 25-year-old turn himself into a highly responsible 25-year-old? Actually no one should expect big, positive swings in personality, he said.

Take Dweck’s example of the shy person. “A shy person can become a more comfortable person”, Ilardi said. “But it’s not likely they’ll become the person who says, “Lets throw a party for a hundred of our closest friends, and I’ll put a lampshade on my head.”

Even small changes take a lot of work, sometimes requiring therapy, Ilardi said. A good therapist can help a patient overcome such things a social anxiety and phobias, but success takes time.

“People get caught in predictable patterns, in ruts,” he said. “It takes a lot of awareness to say, “I’m going to take these steps, and I’m going to stay with it.”

“I can’t even change the coffee shop I go to without agony,” said Judith Sills, clinical psychologist and author of “The Comfort Trap.” “Change is an effortful, focused process. It requires concentration and practice.”

But it can be done, she said. A particularly grudging person can learn to praise others. A highly expressive person with a loose tongue can become more discreet. A passive person can become more assertive.

“You can identify those aspects of you that trip you up, and in a focused and specific way, you can really alter reactions and behaviors and make your life better,” she said.

Trying to figure out why you are the way you are could be a waste of time, Sills said. Instead concentrate on how to start the process of change. Generally the key is take baby steps, she said.

For example, the person who wants to be more involved in work life might set a small goal for the next meeting, such as making a suggestion to a colleague. A person who wants to be more assertive might choose one action they’ve been putting off, such as discussing a long simmering disagreement with a neighbor. After choosing the action, identify the small step that will force the situation, such as picking up the phone to make the dreaded call.

“These new small things are so wonderful,” Sills said. “Now you have the beginnings of a repertoire to fall back on. Now your the person who stood up for himself and made the call. Now you see yourself as a different person.”

How One Woman Did It

Mary Redmond was at a crossroads. An adviser told her the success of a business she started depended on one thing: She had to do professional speaking. “I would have preferred to have dental surgery without painkillers,” she said.

Redmond, of Bonner Springs, Kan, was personable but not the master-of-ceremonies type. Her personality lent itself to one-on-one discussions. That’s what she was good at. But now she knew she had to change. She needed to be that emcee type, the center of attention, at least long enough to make a great business presentation.

Her first step: Sign up for a one day class with presentation coach Mike Bayly. She further forced the situation by booking two presentations shortly after. At the end of a long day with Bayly, she felt ready. “I can do this,” she said. But it was a good thing she booked two events, because the first was a disaster.

“It was a Rotary Club, and the only people who seemed to enjoy my presentation were the 15 people from Russia who didn’t speak English,” Redmond said.

The second event was a great success, drawing kudos from audience members. Now Redmond not only does presentations for her company, but also gets hired to speak nationally in other business settings.

And she thinks she can get better, so much so, she has signed up for her second improvisation workshop with a comedy group.

Comedy improv for business presentations? Redmond says it makes her more at ease in front of a crowd, more willing to be physical and funny and, therefore, more engaging. “I had to commit to changing myself,” Redmond said. “And it changed my life.”

Tweaking Tools

A recent Psychology Today article listed six “tools” for tweaking aspects of one’s personality and making others work for you.

1. Believe in change, and success in altering a trait is much more likely.
2. Discover your “signature strengths.” Go to www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu for a questionnaire.
3. Identify and reject your overly pessimistic beliefs.
4. Follow a systematic approach to change with help from a friend or therapist.
5. Take risk and see your confidence increase.
6. Find the niches in life that fit best with your traits.

Recommended Reading
“Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck
“The Comfort Trap” by Judith Sills

Article by Edward M. Eveld - McClatchy Newspapers

20 Questions To Carry A Conversation

Once you have experimented asking questions for a while, you will realize just how great questions are for starting conversations, helping them flow and for getting to know someone better. Now it is time to have some fun with it!

What makes an excellent conversation question?

1. It is easy to answer
2. It does not cause offense
3. It includes everyone
4. People will not be judged on their responses!

This last point is particularly important, as people will be reluctant to talk if they feel they will be judged. So you can see a good conversation question is also about tone and circumstances.

Below is a list of excellent conversation questions to delve deeper into the personalities of people you feel comfortable with and find out a few more things about them. These are great for social gatherings and parties or anywhere where you want to have fun and get to know someone in the process.

It is a great spin on the old party game “Twenty Questions” but see where each question leads you when you get the answers. Do not turn your questioning into an interrogation and listen to the answers you get.

Pick up on these answers and as subsidiary questions, add your own answers: ask whatever seems appropriate and whatever the other person seems to want you to do. Just go with the flow and enjoy it!

1. If you were God for a day, what would you do?
2. If you could be the parent of one famous person, who would you want it to be and why?
3. What was the last thing you regret buying?
4. If you had a chance to bring one person back from the dead, who would it be and why?
5. What three things you regret not learning to do?
6. If you had a crystal ball that could tell you the truth about any one thing you wished to know about yourself, life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
7. What’s worse… having expectations that are too high, or having no expectations at all?
8. How do you know when you’re in love?
9. What is the most important invention or innovation that has happened during your life-time?
10. How would you spend your ideal day?
11. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
12. What three adjectives might other people use to describe your personality?
13. Who would you choose to be shipwrecked on a desert island with?
14. What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening?
15. If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would you like it to be?
16. If you were guaranteed honest responses to any three questions, whom would you question, and what would you ask them?
17. If you saw someone shoplifting, what would you do?
18. Is there anything you would willingly give your life for?
19. If you could re-live a day of your life again, which would it be and why?
20. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do?

These are all light-hearted questions that should cause no-one offence, but they also touch on philosophical issues and allow you to really get to know a person - if they are honest with their answers. You make it a lot more likely that they will tell the truth if you set the scene and provide a relaxed atmosphere and if you are prepared to chip in with your own answers.

Under those circumstances, these provide excellent conversation questions to enable you to know more about your friends than you might ever have found out in any other way.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because it is available only at: conversation starters

20 Things You Didn’t Know About Sleep

The official world record for staying awake, possible killers lurking in our mattresses, a continent’s war against naps, and more.

1 Chronic snoring can be treated by uvulopalatopharyngoplasty, a surgical procedure that tightens the tissues of the soft palate and throat. Possible side effects include changes in voice frequency.

2 Another option involves injecting the palate with a chemical to harden the soft tissue. This is called a snoroplasty, derived from the Greek word plastos, meaning molded, and somewhat lamely from the English word snore, meaning snore.

3 Baaaa’d idea: A 2002 study by Oxford University researchers concluded, brilliantly, that the traditional practice of counting sheep is an ineffective cure for insomnia. The mental activity is so boring that other problems and concerns inevitably surface.

4 Mattresses have an average life span of 8 to 10 years. They grow some nasty stuff in that time; one study links mattress bacteria to sudden infant death syndrome.

5 An adult bedbug can survive up to one year without feeding.

6 In 2004 Americans filled more than 35 million prescriptions for sleeping pills.The number of adults aged 20 to 44 taking pills to help them fall asleep has doubled in the last four years.

7 More than 100,000 car crashes in the United States each year result from drowsiness. Drivers talking on cell phones increase the rate by 6 percent, so don’t call someone if you get tired.

8 Disco isn’t dead, it’s on the dashboard: In 2008 Volvo plans to unveil a system that will monitor a driver’s eyes and head, along with the movement of the steering wheel. If a driver seems to be nodding off, interior lights will start to flash.

9 A six-year study of a million adults showed that people who get only six to seven hours of sleep a night have a lower death rate than those who get eight hours. Maybe it’s those late nights watching QVC.

10 In 1964 17-year-old Randy Gardner stayed awake for 264 hours and 12 minutes, the world’s record. He then slept for 15 hours—not a record, but not bad.

11 Let’s sleep on it first: In a gesture of integration with the European Union, Spain has launched a campaign to eliminate the tradition of siestas, or afternoon naps.

12 Thanks in part to their afternoon naps, Spaniards sleep an average of 40 minutes less per night than other Europeans. Spain also has the highest rate of workplace accidents in the EU and the third lowest productivity rate.

13 Who knew it was that easy? A Muslim couple in India is being forced to split up after the husband uttered the word talaq, the Arabic word for divorce, three times in his sleep. According to Muslim law, the “triple talaq” is an actual divorce.

14 The idea that it is dangerous to wake a sleepwalker is a myth. Given the things sleepwalkers get up to do, like climbing roofs and fixing insanely large sandwiches, it is probably more risky not to wake them.

15 Whales and dolphins can literally fall half asleep. Their brain hemispheres alternate sleeping, so the animals can continue to surface and breathe.

16 Dreaming is connected to bursts of electrical activity that blow through the brain stem every 90 minutes during REM sleep. Over a lifetime, an average person spends more than six years dreaming, clocking more than 136,000 in all.

17 But nobody knows why we dream.

18 Hey, be glad she doesn’t have a telethon: More than 5 million American children suffer from nocturnal enuresis, better known as bed-wetting. Actress Suzanne Somers used to be one of them, according to her autobiography.

19 Somniphobia is the fear of sleep.

20 So far, there are no known celebrity somniphobes.

by Jason Stahl
http://discovermagazine.com/

Conformity At Its Funniest

Humans are a funny breed. Check out this funny video that shows how much we all like to fit in. It’s amazing to watch people’s beliefs or behaviors play out as we’re influenced by others within a group. This video proves that conformity is a powerful force at any age.

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