Developing Will Power and Self-Discipline

The truth is that everyone can reach high levels of will power and self-discipline through a practical method of training. These inner power are not reserved for a few special people.

Will power and self discipline are two of the most important and useful inner powers in everyone’s life, and have always been considered as essential tools for success in all areas of life. They can be learned and developed like any other skill, yet, in spite of this, only few take any steps to develop and strengthen them in a systematic way.

What is will power?
It is the inner strength to make a decision, take action, and handle and execute any aim or task until it is accomplished, regardless of inner and outer resistance, discomfort or difficulties.

It bestows the ability to overcomes laziness, temptations and negative habits, and to carry out actions, even if they require effort, are unpleasant and tedious or are contrary to one’s habits.

What is self discipline?
It is the rejection of instant gratification in favor of something better. It is the giving up of instant pleasure and satisfaction for a higher and better goal.

It manifests as the ability to stick to actions, thoughts and behavior, which lead to improvement and success. Self-discipline is self-control, and it manifests in spiritual, mental, emotional and physical discipline.

The purpose of self-discipline is not living a limiting or a restrictive lifestyle. It does not mean being narrow minded or living like a fakir. It is one of the pillars of success and power. It bestows the inner strength to focus all your energy on your goal, and persevere until it is accomplished.

Both of these abilities are required for daily actions and decisions, and also for making major decisions and attaining major success. They are required for doing a good job, for studying, building a business, losing weight, bodybuilding and physical exercises, maintaining good relationships, changing habits, self improvement, meditation, spiritual growth, keeping and carrying out promises and for almost everything else.

One of the most simple and effective methods to develop will power and self-discipline is by refusing to satisfy unimportant and unnecessary desires. Everyone is constantly confronted and tempted by an endless stream of desires and temptations, many of which are not really important or desirable. By learning to refuse to satisfy every one of them, you get stronger.

Refusing and rejecting useless, harmful or unnecessary desires and actions, and intentionally acting contrary to your habits, sharpen and strengthen your inner strength. By constant practice your inner power grows, just like exercising your muscles at a gym increases your physical strength. In both cases, when you need inner power or physical strength, they are available at your disposal.

Here are a few exercises:
- Don’t read the newspaper for a day or two.
- Drink water when thirsty, in spite of your desire to have a soft drink.
- Walk up and down the stairs, instead of taking the lift.
- Get down from the bus one station before or after your destination, and walk the rest of the way.
- For one week, go to sleep one hour earlier than usual.
- If you like ice cream, don’t have any, for a day or two.

These are only a few examples of the many exercises that can be conducted in order to develop will power and self-discipline. You might think that practicing these exercises is being tough on yourself, but they add much to the storehouse of your inner strength. By following a systematic method of training you can reach far, have more control over yourself and your life, attain your goals, improve your life, and gain satisfaction and peace of mind.

Show and prove to yourself that you are strong and in control, and practice the above exercises for a little while, before passing any judgement.

© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are “Peace of mind in Daily Life”, “Will Power and Self Discipline”, “Visualize and Achieve” and “Affirmations - Words of Power”.

Visit his website and find articles, advice, guidance and ebooks!
Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

Why It’s Hard to Admit to Being Wrong

It’s fascinating, and sometimes funny, to read doomsday predictions, but it’s even more fascinating to watch what happens to the reasoning of true believers when the prediction flops and the world keeps muddling along. Notice that hardly anyone ever says, “I blew it! I can’t believe how stupid I was to believe that nonsense”? On the contrary, most of the time they become even more deeply convinced of their powers of prediction. The people who believe that the Bible’s book of Revelation or the writings of the sixteenth-century self-proclaimed prophet Nostradamus have predicted every disaster from the bubonic plague to 9/11 cling to their convictions, unfazed by the small problem that their vague and murky predictions were intelligible only after the event occurred.

Half a century ago, a young social psychologist named Leon Festinger and two associates infiltrated a group of people who believed the world would end on December 21. They wanted to know what would happen to the group when (they hoped!) the prophecy failed. The group’s leader, whom the researchers called Marian Keech, promised that the faithful would be picked up by a flying saucer and elevated to safety at midnight on December 20. Many of her followers quit their jobs, gave away their homes, and dispersed their savings, waiting for the end. Who needs money in outer space? Others waited in fear or resignation in their homes. (Mrs. Keech’s own husband, a nonbeliever, went to bed early and slept soundly through the night as his wife and her followers prayed in the living room.) Festinger made his own prediction: The believers who had not made a strong commitment to the prophecy—who awaited the end of the world by themselves at home, hoping they weren’t going to die at midnight—would quietly lose their faith in Mrs. Keech. But those who had given away their possessions and were waiting with the others for the spaceship would increase their belief in her mystical abilities. In fact, they would now do everything they could to get others to join them.

At midnight, with no sign of a spaceship in the yard, the group felt a little nervous. By 2 a.m., they were getting seriously worried. At 4:45 a.m., Mrs. Keech had a new vision: The world had been spared, she said, because of the impressive faith of her little band. “And mighty is the word of God,” she told her followers, “and by his word have ye been saved—for from the mouth of death have ye been delivered and at no time has there been such a force loosed upon the Earth. Not since the beginning of time upon this Earth has there been such a force of Good and light as now floods this room.”

The group’s mood shifted from despair to exhilaration. Many of the group’s members, who had not felt the need to proselytize before December 21, began calling the press to report the miracle, and soon they were out on the streets, buttonholing passersby, trying to convert them. Mrs. Keech’s prediction had failed, but not Leon Festinger’s.

***

The engine that drives self-justification, the energy that produces the need to justify our actions and decisions — especially the wrong ones — is an unpleasant feeling that Festinger called “cognitive dissonance.” Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension that occurs whenever a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent, such as “Smoking is a dumb thing to do because it could kill me” and “I smoke two packs a day.” Dissonance produces mental discomfort, ranging from minor pangs to deep anguish; people don’t rest easy until they find a way to reduce it. In this example, the most direct way for a smoker to reduce dissonance is by quitting. But if she has tried to quit and failed, now she must reduce dissonance by convincing herself that smoking isn’t really so harmful, or that smoking is worth the risk because it helps her relax or prevents her from gaining weight (and after all, obesity is a health risk, too), and so on. Most smokers manage to reduce dissonance in many such ingenious, if self-deluding, ways.

Dissonance is disquieting because to hold two ideas that contradict each other is to flirt with absurdity and, as Albert Camus observed, we humans are creatures who spend our lives trying to convince ourselves that our existence is not absurd. At the heart of it, Festinger’s theory is about how people strive to make sense out of contradictory ideas and lead lives that are, at least in their own minds, consistent and meaningful. The theory inspired more than 3,000 experiments that, taken together, have transformed psychologists’ understanding of how the human mind works. Cognitive dissonance has even escaped academia and entered popular culture. The term is everywhere. The two of us have heard it in TV newscasts, political columns, magazine articles, bumper stickers, even on a soap opera. Alex Trebek used it on Jeopardy, Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, and President Bartlet on The West Wing. Although the expression has been thrown around a lot, few people fully understand its meaning or appreciate its enormous motivational power.

In 1956, one of us (Elliot) arrived at Stanford University as a graduate student in psychology. Festinger had arrived that same year as a young professor, and they immediately began working together, designing experiments to test and expand dissonance theory. Their thinking challenged many notions that were gospel in psychology and among the general public, such as the behaviorist’s view that people do things primarily for the rewards they bring, the economist’s view that human beings generally make rational decisions, and the psychoanalyst’s view that acting aggressively gets rid of aggressive impulses.

Consider how dissonance theory challenged behaviorism. At the time, most scientific psychologists were convinced that people’s actions are governed by reward and punishment. It is certainly true that if you feed a rat at the end of a maze, he will learn the maze faster than if you don’t feed him; if you give your dog a biscuit when she gives you her paw, she will learn that trick faster than if you sit around hoping she will do it on her own. Conversely, if you punish your pup when you catch her peeing on the carpet, she will soon stop doing it. Behaviorists further argued that anything that was merely associated with reward would become more attractive — your puppy will like you because you give her biscuits — and anything associated with pain would become noxious and undesirable.

Behavioral laws do apply to human beings, too, of course; no one would stay in a boring job without pay, and if you give your toddler a cookie to stop him from having a tantrum, you have taught him to have another tantrum when he wants a cookie. But, for better or worse, the human mind is more complex than the brain of a rat or a puppy. A dog may appear contrite for having been caught peeing on the carpet, but she will not try to think up justifications for her misbehavior. Humans think; and because we think, dissonance theory demonstrated that our behavior transcends the effects of rewards and punishments and often contradicts them.

For example, Elliot predicted that if people go through a great deal of pain, discomfort, effort, or embarrassment to get something, they will be happier with that “something” than if it came to them easily. For behaviorists, this was a preposterous prediction. Why would people like anything associated with pain? But for Elliot, the answer was obvious: self-justification. The cognition that I am a sensible, competent person is dissonant with the cognition that I went through a painful procedure to achieve something — say, joining a group that turned out to be boring and worthless. Therefore, I would distort my perceptions of the group in a positive direction, trying to find good things about them and ignoring the downside.

Excerpt from MISTAKES WERE MADE (BUT NOT BY ME), copyright © 2007 by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson

The Projection Of Our Shadows

Projection is a fascinating phenomenon they failed to teach most of us about in school. It is an involuntary transfer of our own unconscious behavior onto others, so it appears to us that these qualities actually exist in the other people. When we have anxiety about our emotions or unacceptable parts of our personalities, we attribute these qualities -as a defense mechanism- to external objects and other people. When we have little tolerance for others, for example, we are likely to attribute the sense of our own inferiority to them. Of course, there’s always a “hook” that invites our projection. Some imperfect quality in other people activates some aspect of ourselves that wants our attention. So whatever we don’t own about ourselves we project onto other people.

We see only that which we are. I like to think of it in terms of energy. Imagine having a hundred different electrical outlets on your chest. Each outlet represents a different quality. The qualities we acknowledge and embrace have cover plates over them. They are safe: no electricity runs through them. But the qualities that are not okay with us, which we have not yet owned, do have a charge. So when others come along who act out one of these qualities they plug right into us. For example, if we deny or are uncomfortable with our anger, we will attract angry people into our lives. We will suppress our own angry feelings and judge people whom we see as angry. Since we lie to ourselves about our own internal feelings, the only way we can find them is to see them in others. Other people mirror back our hidden emotions and feelings, which allows us to recognize and reclaim them.

We instinctively draw back from our own negative projections. It’s easier to examine what we are attracted to than what repels us. If I am offended by your arrogance it is because I’m not embracing my own arrogance. This is either arrogance that I am now demonstrating in my life and not seeing, or arrogance that I deny I am capable of demonstrating in the future. If I am offended by arrogance I need to look closely at all areas of my life and ask myself these questions: When have I been arrogant in the past? Am I being arrogant now? Could I be arrogant in the future? It would certainly be arrogant of me to answer no to these questions without really looking at myself, or without asking others if they have ever experienced my being arrogant. The act of judging someone else is arrogant, so obviously all of us have the capacity to be arrogant. If I embrace my own arrogance, I won’t be upset by someone else’s. I might notice it, but it won’t affect me. My arrogance outlet will have a cover plate on it. It is only when you’re lying to yourself or hating some aspect of yourself that you’ll get an emotional charge from someone else’s behavior.

We project our own perceived shortcomings onto others. We say to others what we should be saying to ourselves. When we judge others we are judging ourselves. If you constantly beat yourself up with negative thoughts, you will either beat up on the people around you - verbally, emotionally, or physically - or you will beat up on yourself by destroying some area of your own life. What you do and what you say is no accident. There are no accidents in the life that you create. In this holographic world, everyone is you and you are always talking to yourself.

As long as we deny the existence of certain traits in ourselves, we continue to perpetuate the myth that others have something we don’t possess. When we admire someone, it is an opportunity to find yet another aspect of ourselves. We have to take back our positive projections as well as our negative projections. We have to remove the plugs we’ve attached to others, turn them around, and plug them back into ourselves. Until we are able to retrieve our projections it is impossible for us to see our full potential and experience the totality of who we really are.

There is an old saying, “It takes one to know one.” We see in others what we like and don’t like in ourselves. If we embrace these parts of ourselves we will be able to see others as they are, not as we see them through our cloud of projection. There is another saying that the three greatest mysteries of the world are air to birds, water to fish, and man unto himself. We are able to see everything in front of us in the outside world. All we have to do is open our eyes and look around. We cannot see ourselves. We need a mirror to see ourselves. You are my mirror and I am yours.

Reprinted from The Dark Side of the Light Chaser by Debbie Ford and Neale Donald Walsch Copyright (c) 2000 by Debbie Ford and Neale Donald Walsch. All rights reserved.

As You See Yourself

Every day, early in the morning, stand in front of the mirror. If you dare to stand in front of the mirror, then you can easily stand in front of the whole world. Now, when you stand in front of the mirror, if you see an undivine face looking back at you, then rest assured that the whole world is undivine.

But if you are getting joy from your face, if it is pure and divine, then rest assured that the world is also pure and divine. According to the way you see yourself, the rest of the world will present itself to you. If you see aspiration in your face, I assure you this aspiration you are bound to notice in the whole world.

If you see aggressive forces, a devouring tiger inside you, then when you leave the house a big tiger will come and devour you. We are exact prototypes of the world. We are like a microcosm and the world is the macrocosm.

A saint always sees everyone in the world — even the worst possible thief — as a saint. Similarly, a thief will see even the most divine saint as a thief. We judge others according to our own standard, according to our own realization.

A thief will think a saint is a thief and a saint will think a thief is a saint. Those who have not realized God will always suspect and doubt those who have. Everyone has to judge others according to his own standard of realization.

By Sri Chinmoy

6 Ideas To Help You Shed The Pounds

1. Rise and chow

If you think skipping breakfast will help you shed a few pounds, think again. Not eating a morning meal can actually trick the body into thinking it is starving, which makes it hold on to fat or cause you to eat more during the day. To keep your metabolism revved and blood sugar levels steady, eat breakfast within 45 minutes of rising. The healthiest choices contain a balance of fat, protein, and carbs, such as oatmeal with a handful of nuts or a veggie omelet.

2. Combine carbs

If a carbohydrate wasn’t grown, picked, or harvested, don’t eat it. That means shunning refined breads, pastas, cakes, and pastries, and choosing good carbs like brown rice, sweet potatoes, or an apple. And while you’re at it, try to never eat a carbohydrate by itself. Simply adding a bit of good fat, such as olive oil or lean protein will slow digestion, steady blood sugar, and keep the body from storing fat.

3. Drink up

Even if all you did was start drinking more water you would likely lose weight. That’s because the body needs to be fully hydrated in order to maintain a healthy metabolism. Try drinking about 1/2-ounce (15 ml) of water per pound of body weight every day, and see the difference.

4. Eat more

If eating more often in order to lose weight sounds too good to be true, listen up. Your body needs calories in order to burn fat. So, to turn your body into a fat-burning machine, eat small meals throughout the day. Ideally each mini-meal should consist of lean protein, good fats, and complex carbohydrates. For example, 4 ounces (113 grams) of chicken, 1 cup (150 grams) of brown rice, and a green salad.

5. Get pumped

You’ve heard that muscle weighs more than fat, but did you know that muscle burns more calories? That’s right, building lean muscle through weight training causes the body to burn more calories throughout the day. When combined with regular aerobic exercise, weight training can help you lose more weight.

6. Cheat a little

You know what they say about all work and no play—well, that goes for weight loss too. Giving up all the foods you love can backfire and sabotage your efforts. Be sure to allow yourself a day each week when you indulge in conservative amounts of your favorite foods. Remember, a serving should be about the size of an average apple.

Linda Knittel, MA, is a nutritional counselor and health writer specializing in alternative medicine, nutrition, and yoga. She has found that incorporating plenty of good fat in her six small meals a day has actually helped her become leaner.

Tapping the Power of Your Morning Routine

A Wakeup Call

Last week, I contacted some of the business leaders I greatly admire and inquired about their early-morning schedules.

Specifically, I asked 20 CEOs and top executives what time they wake up, when they have their first cup of coffee, when they start on email, what if anything they do for exercise, what time they leave for the office, and what else they do before walking out the door.

I heard back from half a dozen of them within 10 minutes, and, in a matter of a few hours, I received answers from a total of 17 out of the 20 — a response rate that would be the envy of any market researcher.

It didn’t take long for the patterns to emerge. Based on an analysis of the executives’ schedules and activities, I discovered seven practices you should seriously consider adopting in order to make the most of your morning.

1. Start early.

This is the part of your morning routine over which you have the greatest control. To fit it all in, it’s a must to start early. The latest any of the surveyed executives wake up is 6 a.m., and almost 80 percent wake up at 5:30 or earlier.

The early-bird-gets-the-worm award goes to Padmasree Warrior, chief technology officer for Motorola, who rises at 4:30 a.m., spends an hour on email, reads most of the news online, and then does an hour of either cardio or resistance training each morning. This allows her to get her son ready for school and drop him off, and still get to work by 8 or 8:30 in the morning.

2. Get a jump on email.

If you think you’re alone in feeling overwhelmed by email, take comfort: even top CEOs and the most senior executives feel compelled to stay on top of their email, and most of them find time in the early morning to do so.

Ursula Burns, the No. 2 executive at technology giant Xerox, says, “I do email from the minute I get up [5:15 a.m.] and all day long, finishing around midnight.” Haim Saban, chairman and CEO of investment firm Saban Capital Group, starts email right after his first cup of coffee “at 6:02 a.m.” and works on it for about an hour before his 75-minute morning exercise regimen.

Lou D’Ambrosio, chief executive officer at telecommunications equipment leader Avaya Communications, is “on email literally within one minute after waking up. I spend about an hour at home in the morning doing email to jump-start the day. This allows me to have a clear mind when I set priorities for the day.” Lou also does email from 10 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. at night.

Several executives wait until they get to the office before they start working on email. Matt Ouimet, president of the hotel group for Starwood Hotels & Resorts Worldwide, for example, rises at 5:30 a.m. and leaves the house at 6 a.m. to get to the office very early — “I’ve always been anxious to get to work: game time” — and responds to email undisturbed for an hour while the office is very quiet.

3. Exercise every morning.

It’s often difficult to find a way to fit exercise into your busy schedule, but knowing that some of the most successful businesspeople do so might motivate you to find a way to work it into your routine.

More than 70 percent of the business leaders in my survey perform their exercise in the morning, while 15 percent find a way to do it during the day (one does it late at night before turning in). Only two of the executives admit to not exercising on a regular basis, although one said, “I know I should.”

The individual who demonstrates the greatest exercise discipline is the CEO of a high-performing global technology company (I promised him anonymity so as not to blow his cover). “I exercise at lunchtime,” he says. “I block the time every single day. This is because I’m a runner and that’s the best time to run outside all year long.”

4. Be thoughtful about the source, form, and timing of your news.

Much has been written about the demise of the newspaper, and, along those lines, about a quarter of the executives I spoke with has switched to online news. Yet most of the others maintain the morning newspaper as a central part of their routine.

Steve Reinemund, the CEO of PepsiCo, reads the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Financial Times, and the Dallas Morning News. Rafe Sagalyn, CEO of the prestigious Sagalyn Literary Agency of Bethesda, Md., blends traditional and new media. He says, “I simultaneously skim online newspapers from Boston to Los Angeles and half a dozen blogs one really has to keep up with. At about 6:30 a.m., I fetch three morning papers — the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Wall Street Journal.”

5. Problem-solve.

The quiet of the morning is often the time when your mind is at its clearest and most well-suited to solving important problems.

Steve Murphy, CEO of publishing company Rodale, says, “A line in a William Blake poem inspired me to think differently about my day: ‘Think in the morning, act in the noon, read in the evening, and sleep at night.’ This has made a huge difference in my life. Now, I take out a yellow pad every morning and write my thoughts for the day, which allows me to be much more strategic and proactive than reactive.”

6. Make family time.

Many business leaders find that the morning encourages important family time. Some have breakfast with their families or make taking kids to school a central part of the morning routine.

Clayton, Dubilier & Rice managing partner Kevin Conway lingers at home when he can to help send off all three kids to school. Greg Maffei, CEO of Liberty Media Corporation, says, “I try to talk one of my kids into going outside to get the paper, but end up getting it myself. I then have breakfast with my wife and kids, help the latter get dressed, and drive the older boys to the bus stop at 7:40 a.m.”

7. Be creative with your morning routine.

Despite all the discipline and structure described in the above best practices, it doesn’t mean you can’t be creative with your morning rituals. Gerry Laybourne, founder, chairman, and CEO of Oxygen Media, maintains a routine similar to other business leaders.

However, she adds a unique twist to her schedule: “Once or twice a week, I go for a walk in Central Park with a young person seeking my advice. This is my way of helping bring along the next generation. I can’t take time at the office to do this, but doing it in the morning allows me to get exercise and stay connected with young people at the same time.”

The examples cited here have led me to reassess how I structure my early-morning time, and I hope they help you in making the most of your daily routine as well.

By Jim Citrin - Jim is a Senior Director of Spencer Stuart, one of the world’s preeminent executive search firms, where he founded the global Technology, Communications, and Media Practice. In his 12 years with the firm, he has recruited over 300 CEOs, CFOs, board directors, and other top executives for leading companies.

Psychologists Know What Makes People Happy

The happiest people surround themselves with family and friends, don’t care about keeping up with the Joneses next door, lose themselves in daily activities and, most important, forgive easily.

The once-fuzzy picture of what makes people happy is coming into focus as psychologists no longer shun the study of happiness. In the mid-’90s, scientific journals published about 100 studies on sadness for every one study on happiness.

Now a burgeoning “positive psychology” movement that emphasizes people’s strengths and talents instead of their weaknesses is rapidly closing the gap, says University of Pennsylvania psychologist Martin E. P. Seligman, author of the new book, Authentic Happiness. The work of Seligman and other experts in the field is in the early stages, but they are already starting to see why some people are happy while others are not: The happiest people spend the least time alone. They pursue personal growth and intimacy; they judge themselves by their own yardsticks, never against what others do or have.

“Materialism is toxic for happiness,” says University of Illinois psychologist Ed Diener. Even rich materialists aren’t as happy as those who care less about getting and spending.

Because the December holidays are friend- and family-oriented, they painfully reveal the intimacy missing in some lives, Diener says. Add in the commercial emphasis - keeping up with the Joneses and the Christmas enjoyed by the Joneses’ kids - “and it’s a setup for disappointment,” he says. And yet some people manage to look on the bright side, even if they lose their jobs in December. Others live in darkness all year for no apparent reason. A person’s cheer level is about half genetic, scientists say.

Everyone has a “set point” for happiness, just as they do for weight, Seligman says. People can improve or hinder their well-being, but they aren’t likely to take long leaps in either direction from their set point.

Even physical health, assumed by many to be key to happiness, only has an impact if people are very ill. Objective health measures don’t relate to life satisfaction, but subjective feelings do. Plenty of healthy people take their health for granted and are none the happier for it, Diener points out. Meanwhile, the sickly often bear up well, and hypochondriacs cling to misery despite their robust health.

Good feelings aren’t “all in the head,” though. Actions matter, just not in the way often believed.

Life satisfaction occurs most often when people are engaged in absorbing activities that cause them to forget themselves, lose track of time and stop worrying. “Flow” is the term Claremont Graduate University psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced cheeks-sent-mee-hi) coined to describe this phenomenon.

People in flow may be sewing up a storm, doing brain surgery, playing a musical instrument or working a hard puzzle with their child. The impact is the same: A life of many activities in flow is likely to be a life of great satisfaction, Csikszentmihalyi says. And you don’t have to be a hotshot to get there.

“One of the happiest men I ever met was a 64-year-old Chicago welder with a fourth-grade education,” he says. The man took immense pride in his work, refusing a promotion to foreman that would have kept him from what he loved to do. He spent evenings looking at the rock garden he built, with sprinklers and floodlights set up to create rainbows.

Teenagers experience flow, too, and are the happiest if they consider many activities “both work and play,” Csikszentmihalyi says. Flow stretches someone but pleasurably so, not beyond his capacity. “People feel best when doing what they do best,” he says.

Everyone has “signature strengths,” Seligman adds, and the happiest use them. Doing so can lead to choices that astound others but yield lasting satisfaction.

Signature strengths

That’s what happened to Greg and Tierney Fairchild. He was a Ph.D. candidate at Columbia, and she’d already earned a Ph.D., when they learned that the child she was carrying had Down syndrome, along with a serious heart defect requiring surgery.

In the Fairchilds’ intellectual circle of friends, some viewed having a retarded child as unthinkable - and let them know it. Lots of people, including some family members, assumed they’d opt for abortion. After thoroughly exploring all the angles - medical, practical and emotional - they decided to keep their daughter, Naia.

“We’re pro-choice, so it’s not that we wouldn’t get an abortion under some circumstances, or think that others could make a different choice here,” Greg says.

They were leading with their strength. An interracial couple, they both had long histories of taking bold, less traveled paths rather than following the parade.

Greg was the first black on his high school track team at a Southern, mostly white school; he became student body president. Tierney was the only MBA student at her university also getting a Ph.D. in education because she wanted to train executives.

And they chose each other, despite all the stares of bigots they knew they’d face forever.

“We haven’t shied away from tough choices,” Greg says, “and we’ve been able to persevere through some difficulties other people might not have been able to.”

Tierney says, “We thought having Naia would be a challenge, but we really wanted her, and just because something’s a challenge, I’m not the type to turn away.”

Their struggles are depicted in the new book, Choosing Naia by Mitchell Zuckoff.

That was a few years ago. Now Naia is a 4-year-old people magnet with a great sense of humor, the first Down syndrome child to be “mainstreamed” at the preschool for University of Virginia staff. (Greg teaches in the business school.) She walked late, talked late and is potty-training late - just as her parents expected. “And so what?” Tierney asks. “She’s brought us a huge amount of joy because she’s such a happy child.”

Tierney, who is manager of executive education at United Technologies Corp., feared she’d have to quit work to care for Naia, but that wasn’t necessary. Tierney and Greg gave Naia a baby brother, Cole, 22 months ago. “We’re so grateful for these kids,” Greg says.

Gratitude helps

Gratitude has a lot to do with life satisfaction, psychologists say. Talking and writing about what they’re grateful for amplifies adults’ happiness, new studies show. Other researchers have found that learning to savor even small pleasures has the same effect. And forgiveness is the trait most strongly linked to happiness, says University of Michigan psychologist Christopher Peterson.

“It’s the queen of all virtues, and probably the hardest to come by,” he adds.

‘More fun, less stuff’

There’s also evidence that altruistic acts boost happiness in the giver. That doesn’t surprise Betsy Taylor, president of the Center for a New American Dream, a Takoma Park, Md., non-profit that favors simple living and opposes commercialism. “The altruism part is worth keeping in mind over the holidays,” Taylor says. “Our mantra is ‘more fun, less stuff.’ Do for others, we say.”

Karen Madsen, 51, of Everett, Wash., is a believer. For several years, she’s organized local families to buy holiday gifts for needy foster children. Madsen sinks in about $1,000 herself, often trimming her own kids’ Christmas haul to do it. “You’d see these notes from foster kids, ‘I don’t really need anything, but my little sister needs a coat because she’s cold.’ ”

Her son, William Shepherd, a high school senior, doesn’t mind. “It’s a lot of fun to go shopping for their toys,” he says. “I have enough, and it feels good to make sure other people can enjoy the holidays, too.”

Many parents would be amazed that a kid could be happy to get less, but surprise is the name of the game with happiness. People aren’t very good at predicting what will make them happy, cutting-edge research shows.

Even Seligman, the happiness maven, tells how he wanted no more children - he already had two grown ones - and his current wife wanted four, “so we compromised at four,” he says. His book reveals he’s besotted with these kids and marvels at them daily. “I just didn’t know,” he says.

None of us knows, says Harvard University psychologist Daniel Gilbert. “There’s a reason why Euripides said, ‘It would not be better if men got what they wanted.’ ” People expect that events will have a larger and more enduring impact on them - for good or ill - than they really do, Gilbert’s studies find.

People tend to rationalize bad things, quickly adapting to new realities. They also visualize future events in isolation, but real life teems with many experiences that dilute the impact of any one. This means winning the lottery doesn’t make people’s lives stellar, but they recover from romantic breakups much quicker than expected.

“If you knew exactly what the future held, you still wouldn’t know how much you would like it when you got there,” Gilbert says. In pursuing happiness, he suggests “we should have more trust in our own resilience and less confidence in our predictions about how we’ll feel. We should be a bit more humble and a bit more brave.”

By Marilyn Elias - USA Today