How To Swallow Your Fear

Navigating risky situations teaches you about yourself, increases your self-confidence, and helps you better manage life’s inevitable uncertainties.

Annette Van Horn had known for some time that there were problems with her marriage, but she didn’t get the courage to do anything about it until she learned to fly a plane. After only a day of instruction, she sat in the pilot’s seat. There she held the controls—and her fate—in her own hands. She knew if she didn’t focus and listen very, very carefully to the instructor’s directions, the plane could crash. The experience sent a powerful message: She could trust herself in a take-charge position. She also realized it was time she take control of her marriage.

Van Horn’s experience illustrates what a growing number of experts have found: Taking physical risks is good for you. Whether you’re piloting a single-engine plane, careening through rapids, or dangling from a cliff, successfully navigating risky situations teaches you about yourself, increases your self-confidence, and helps you better manage life’s inevitable uncertainties.

Read More “Swallow Your Fear“….

Feeling Down And Out?… Here’s An Idea

I was watching television the other night and there was an interview with Bill Bartmann, a man who had gone from a billionaire to bankruptcy and back to wealth again. He was asked how he kept his composure and was able to pull himself out of an incredible hole and back to success. His message was the model of simplicity but very powerful.

On those bad days he didn’t feel like going on, when things weren’t going his way, he found a way to overcome those negative feelings with one simple solution.

As Bill sees it, we don’t have a problem remembering our failures. Its easy to remember when we screw up or embarrass ourselves or let someone down. But how often do we remember the good things we’ve accomplished. How often do we remember when we’ve helped someone or accomplished a goal or made someone’s day that much easier.

The usual answer is we don’t take the time to remember those days when everything goes right. We tend to focus way too much on our screwups. But here’s a very simple way to use those negative vibes and turn your focus back to a more productive way of thinking.

Make a brief list of your most cherished accomplishments. They can be small intimate things that make you smile or your larger career accomplishments that make you proud. Make your list powerful. Make it meaningful. Get your juices going. Whatever they are, write them down and keep them with you. Carry your list wherever you go.

Whenever your feeling negative or overwhelmed with failure, pull out your list of triumphs and read your successes. Remind yourself that you have done great things in the past. Pull those emotions into the present.

This simple idea, will redirect your focus back to where it belongs. I’ve written it before, but I’ll say it again… negative thoughts are essential in helping you keep your focus on what it is you desire. By being consciously aware of your negativity, you can use these down and out feelings as a signpost to pull out your list and remind yourself of how cool you really are.

Written by Robert Hunt

A 12 Step Method To Achieving Your Goals

EVERYTHING we are today is the result of everything we have thought about up until this time. Our thoughts and emotions create our character and shape our future.

The law of belief states that whatever we believe becomes a reality and if we want to change our reality then we must change our beliefs about ourselves.

The law of expectation says that whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy and that is why we must expect the best of ourselves and of every situation.

The law of attraction says that we inevitably attract into our lives the people and circumstances that harmonise without dominant thoughts.

So if we want to attract different people and circumstances then we have to change our thinking.

The law of concentration says that if you want something to grow in your life you must concentrate on that thought or picture it until it comes into your reality.

The law of substitution says that if we wish to have positive experiences in our lives we have to keep our conscious brain focused on positive experiences, things and events.

The law of relaxation says that in all the mental working, effort defeats itself - the more we relax and believe that the things we want will come into our lives, then the more rapidly they will appear.

Nobody stays the same for any period of time. We are continually changing in the direction of our dominant thoughts and goals and in the direction of the ideal itself.

Our job in this process is to keep very clearly in our mind the people we would like to be and the goals we would like to achieve.

To continue growing we have to let go of the past. We have to develop new habit patterns of thinking about ourselves.

We do this by thinking and acting continuously in the manner consistent with the person we would like to be. With the attributes and characteristics we would like to have.

All great success starts with selecting one major, definite purpose. If we try to accomplish many things at the same time, we tend to find that we end up accomplishing almost nothing.

It is important to achieve one critical goal. Then it becomes relatively simple for you to set and achieve a second and a third and so on.

The first step is desire - this is a great motivator and the force that impels us towards our goals. Next is belief - you must believe without doubt that you have the ability to achieve the goal. So make your goals challenging but realistic.

The third step is to write the goal down in complete detail, exactly as you wish to have it. Until a goal is committed to paper it is simply a wish.

Next you must determine how you will benefit from accomplishing your goal - write out a specific list of all the advantages you are going to enjoy.

The fifth step is analysing your current status - figure out how much money you are presently earning. Then you must set a deadline - decide now when you are going to accomplish your goal.

Step number seven is to identify the obstacles you will have to overcome to achieve your goals. And you will find that the obstacles that loom large in your mind when you are thinking about them become small when you write them down on paper.

Step eight is to clearly identify the knowledge you will require in order to accomplish your goals.

It’s important that you determine what you are going to have to learn.

Then identify the people, groups and organisations whose co- operation and assistance you will need to attain your goal. Concentrate on what you can give, how you can serve, how you can contribute and how you can compensate and reward others in return for what you want.

Step ten is to take all the details you have identified in the last three steps and make a plan.

Make it complete in every detail with all the activities you are going to have to engage in to accomplish this goal.

Step eleven is to get a clear mental picture of your goal as already attained. Every time you get a chance you must play that picture of your goal in your mind.

The final step is to back up your plan with action, determination, persistence and resolve to never give up.

Your persistence is the direct measure of how much you believe in yourself and your ability to succeed. Remember - whatever you believe in you become.

So what film are you showing in your mind at the moment?

Copyright ProQuest Information and Learning Company

A Hands-On Guide To Healthy Self-Esteem

Even if we generally feel strong and confident, we may not feel good about every aspect of our life. We may be relatively happy most of the time, but hate how our body looks or always end up in destructive relationships.

While there are no short-cuts to high self-esteem, there are strategies that can help you learn to cherish, honor and believe in you. This hands-on guide can show you how.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Some of us suffer from low self-esteem and don’t know it. Here are some ways it may show itself: * Negative body language–your body posture says you are defeated. * Self-depreciation–you constantly put yourself down. * Never feeling competent–you believe you will never succeed. * Fearfulness–you’re afraid to meet new people and enter new situations. * Perfectionism–you have a need always to be perfect. * Overidentification with the values of others–you believe everybody always right.

The first step in building self-esteem is making a conscious decision to change. But if you find that nothing makes a difference, try talking with a therapist, a minister or an older, wiser person. She may be able to help you find what is troubling you. Remember, you are responsible for changing your own life.

ALWAYS THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS

Never put yourself down with negative comments such as “How could I be so stupid?” or “I’m so clumsy!” Switch to loving self-talk such as “I am doing my best and getting better all the time.” Call yourself endearing names such as “honey” and “darling.” Speak to yourself the way you would like other people to speak to you, with the tenderness and care you show to those you love dearly.

Fill your mind with positive thoughts that make you feel good. On index cards write down ten things that you like about yourself. Carry them around with you, and when you think negatively about yourself, take out a card and read it.

REMEMBER THE SPIRIT

Renew yourself by connecting to the spiritual. Begin each day with meditation or a prayer; it will put you in touch with the divine being within you. Be thankful for being alive and for being blessed. Pray for guidance.

Try to spend time each day reading books that will help you get in touch with the sacred. You can read the wise words in the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita or in other based on spiritual or motivational principles. After each session, reflect upon what you have read and give thanks for the richness it will bring your life.

CELEBRATE THE GOOD IN YOUR LIFE

Take an inventory of your strengths and successes. Congratulate yourself for the small accomplishments you make each hour and day. Remember to count the “little” things. Look at your life and take some credit. Do you make it to work every day? Do you contribute to your community? Are you a good parent? A good daughter? A good friend? Be proud of yourself and of all your accomplishments–big and small. Every good thing you do for you is something to be proud of. If something doesn’t turn out exactly as you wanted it to, think of it as a challenge and try to meet it.

HONOR YOUR FEELINGS–THEY ARE PART OF YOU

It’s easy to know when you are angry or sad. But you can feel many ways–good and bad–within the space of a day. Pay attention to your feelings, and make the most of them. When you’re happy, notice what makes you feel good and how you can increase those feelings. When you feel sad, try to understand why and remember that you have a right to those feelings too. Your mood is part of who you are. Remember, every challenge is an opportunity for growth.

CHERISH YOUR BODY

As women of African-American ancestry, live in two worlds. Black culture has own standard of beauty, but we are also influenced by the larger culture. Too often measure our beauty by European standards. We may believe our features aren’t “pretty enough” or that our hair doesn’t look as it should. Sometimes we measure the beauty of our body by our dress size.

Using other people’s standards to measure ourselves is a losing battle.

Feeling good about your body means truly accepting your physical self. Love your body for what it is now, today at this very moment. Realize that you are a unique and perfect version of yourself. Cherish your body for the great gift that it is, and give it the best of care. Then you will learn to accept, love and treasure yourself.

A DIVINE ORIGINAL

Stand nude before a full-length mirror, and examine your face and body. Look closely at each body part, and notice how, it makes you feel. Do you feel comfortable? Do you stand tall? Do you feel like hiding? Try to look at yourself without criticism or judgment. Concentrate, and then say aloud; “I am a divine original. I accept and love myself completely for who I am!” Breathe deeply, and repeat the affirmation until you begin to believe it and can say it comfortably.

MY BODY SERVES ME WELL

Express love and appreciation to your body parts for the support they give you. Consider how they work together in perfect harmony to carry you through the day. Learn to talk lovingly to your body. Don’t be self-critical or judgmental. Listen to your body and understand what it is telling you. Rest when you are tired. Eat healthful foods that are good for you. Exercise regularly so you will stay strong and healthy. Every morning, starting with your feet, thank every part of you for being yours and for being strong.

APPRECIATE YOUR ATTRIBUTES

Don’t be ashamed to praise your good points. Many of us are quick to magnify our faults and forget our assets. Each of us has qualities that are beautiful and unique. But often we don’t want to admit it; perhaps we were raised not to be vain, and we consider self-praise boastful. Self-celebration has nothing to do with conceit. So don’t be afraid to feel good about what you like most about yourself. When you believe you are beautiful, you exude beauty.

BREATH OF LIFE

When you breathe, take deep breaths. Relaxing breaths are good way to renew your energy. Don’t hunch your shoulders, and breathe from the very top of your mouth. Take in enough air to swell your abdomen, so that your whole body feels full. And then let the breath out slowly. Start each day with ten deep breaths in the morning, and remember to breathe deeply throughout the day. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly whenever you feel anxious, scared or nervous. Breathing deeply is an excellent way to release anxiety and let go of stress. Whenever you need to remind yourself how precious life is and how good it is to be alive, take in and slowly release the breath of life.

RENEW YOURSELF

As you learn to accept your body and cherish it, give yourself permission to treat yourself well and enhance your appearance. Don’t be ashamed to ask a professional for advice on styles and colors that will flatter you. Talk to a stylist for a new hairdo. Treat yourself to a body massage, manicure or pedicure. Buy a new outfit in a color or style that you’ve never worn before and that you were always afraid wouldn’t suit you. Don’t be afraid to take risks. There are no rewards without them; the only failure lies in not trying.

YOU DESERVE THE BEST

Our self-esteem has a direct connection to the kind of relationships we form. People are often attracted to those people whose self-esteem mirrors their own. A healthy level of self-worth increases the chances of developing a loving, nourishing relationship rather than a destructive one.

Often we may enter into a relationship because our significant other feeds us positive messages about ourselves. But we should never become dependent upon other people for our affirmation. If we are fed negative messages, we will have a hard time holding on to any good feelings about ourselves.

Relationships that diminish us are a viscious cycle. Often we enter into them because we have been conditioned to believe we have to be with somebody to be happy. Never be afraid to strike out on your own. Never compromise yourself just to be in a relationship. Honor yourself and insist that others do, too.

SETTING THE STANDARD

It’s very easy to see what others do or don’t do in a relationship and blame them for all our problems. To build a healthy relationship, you should be ready to look at your own behavior. It is up to you to make sure that you’re getting what you need. You determine what you will or won’t accept. Maintain high standards for the way you wish to be treated and accept nothing less. Don’t allow anyone to treat you in ways that make you feel diminished or uncomfortable. Always expect and demand the best. Make a list of the ideal qualities you want a good friend to have, and look for the same qualities in a lover.

COMMUNICATE CLEARLY

Self-esteem suffers and you build up anger and resentment when you don’t express your feelings and needs. Your significant other can’t read your mind. To create a loving environment that allows you to communicate clearly, follow these simple rules: * Keep the focus on yourself and your feelings, not on the other person. * When you begin to talk, start with the phrase “I feel . . .” instead of “I hate it when you. . .” For example: “I feel sad when you don’t remember things that are important to me.” Try to end with the phrase “I need. . .” For example, “I need you to give me a call if you’ll be late.” Or “I’d like us to always have that kind of caring for each other.”

YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED

You attract a mate and create a relationship based on what you think you deserve and how you feel about yourself. The biggest barrier to true happiness in a relationship is the fear that you don’t deserve to be loved or are destined to be hurt. When you believe that, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If those are your feelings, it is up to you to change the script. As you prepare to meet each day, repeat this affirmation as often as you feel you need to: “I am worthy, and I deserve a love that is right and fulfilling.”

BALANCE THE GIVING AND THE TAKING

Sometimes a relationship may feel burdensome and unproductive. If you feel that things just aren’t what they should be, take the time to honestly examine them. Ask yourself: Why am I in this relationship? What am I expecting? What am I giving? What am I receiving? If you feel as though you are constantly giving much more than you are receiving, ask yourself if this is a temporary situation or the substance of your relationship. If it’s the latter, it’s time for you to do some serious soul-searching and renegotiating.

SEE THE GOOD, EXPECT THE BEST

Your mind is a powerful tool, and too often you may get stuck thinking about what you don’t have and what is wrong with a relationship. This can leave you feeling dissatisfied and depressed. It’s important to see and affirm what is good about what you do have. Don’t forget to tell your partner what you appreciate about your relationship. Point out the small things that make you feel good about the way you relate. When you communicate freely, it keeps you aware of what’s going on between you. If you are mad, share it immediately. Don’t let angry feelings fester and explode.

NAME IT AND CLAIM IT

Picture yourself happy, secure and feeling good. Remind yourself that you are loved because you love and cherish yourself. Visualize this positive picture, and then write down a detailed description of it. Every night before you drop off to sleep, summon up the feelings and images that you associate with being happy and complete.

GO FOR YOUR GOALS

High self-esteem can empower, energize and motivate us to set and achieve our goals in the workplace. It can also fuel our ambitions and give us a sense of fulfillment as we strive to achieve. Without a healthy sense of self-esteem, it’s hard to be creative, and it’s easy to get stuck in a rut.

Strong self-esteem makes it easier for us to take risks and face challenges. It also gives us the self-confidence we need to explore new opportunities if we’re unhappy or unfulfilled.

BE PROUD OF YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS

Feel good about your work and the contribution you make. Don’t focus on what is negative, but try to remember the positive. As you prepare to go to work each morning, think of the contributions only you can make. Yours may be as small as a cheerful smile to a visitor, but even small gestures will go a long way toward making you feel good. Repeat this statement: “My work is where I give my unique gifts and share my special talents, and I give them joyfully, no matter what!”

DARE YOURSELF TO DO

Take a cue from the inventors and entrepreneurs born and bred in our community who never said the words I can’t. Be audacious. Take a chance. Believe that what you are doing is great, and don’t let anything stand in your way. Set daily, weekly and monthly goals . If you have trouble reaching goals, break them down until they are manageable. Baby steps will lead to giant ones before you know it. And slowly but surely you will reach your goal.

DO THE RIGHT THING

If you can avoid it, don’t take a job “just for the money,” or you’re bound to be unfulfilled. When you work purely for the sake of making a buck, you tie your sense of self-worth only to the money that you earn. Salary becomes the barometer of your self-esteem. Ask yourself these questions before you decide upon a career or look for a job: * What do I love to do? * What am I good at? * How can I use what I like to do to make a contribution to the world? * How can I make the service I provide pay me what I need to survive?

TAKE A STEP OUTSIDE

If you want to get a sense of how effective you are as a worker, take a step outside yourself and imagine you are seeing yourself as another person. Does this “other worker” have traits you admire? List those traits, and then read them over. When you need to give yourself a boost, read your list to remember just how good you are.

EXTEND YOUR BLESSINGS

Your sense of self-esteem won’t change other people, but it will change the way you react to them. You can create a positive work environment by repeating this blessing each day before you go to work: “I bless my work and everyone and everything connected with it.”

Corynne L. Corbett is a freelance writer who lives in New York City.

Exercises contributed by San Francisco psychologist Brenda Wade, Ph.D., the coauthor of Love Lessons: A Guide to Transforming Relationships (Amistad) and motivational writer Iyanla Vanzant, the author of Tapping the Power Within (Writers and Readers) and Acts of Faith (Fireside).

The Secrets Of Power Conversation

Just finished reading “Secrets of Power Conversation” by Lawrence E. Bjornson and I highly recommend you check it out. This is no non-sense, straight to the point information for handling any challenges you might encounter - family, social, or business. There are some very valid points and techniques to use that you may not of thought about. There are hundreds of clear, real-world examples and most chapters read quickly.

The book discusses small talk, overcoming shyness, persuasion, assertiveness, negotiation, listening skills, conversation starters, relationship communication, building self-confidence, and a whole lot more.

An Excerpt:

“One of the purposes of this book is to help you get ahead, get things done, cut the frustration, increase your leadership abilities, and survive the inevitable office politics—all by enhancing your ability to influence others through verbal interactions. No matter how lowly your position right now, you can still exercise influence, effect change, and build achievements if you know how to communicate with a purpose.”

Available from Amazon - “Secrets of Power Conversation”

How To Control Software Developer Stress

As an escalation manager for a major database / application software company, I’m responsible for marshaling developers who can diagnose and resolve critical customer issue’s to meet business deadlines or critical milestones.

When a customer can’t meet payroll, close the books, ship product or experiences poor system performance, the temperature can rise and customer emotions can flare - one of the major contributers to stress.

These methods work regardless if your a developer working with other developers to meet an internal deadline or with a customer who has purchased your product. (These also work great in personal relationships as well.)

So how to tame the beast?

1. Avoid the blame game. This is huge. Emotional customers only add to the stress developer’s experience. It can contribute to a lack of focus, prioritization, and ineffective diagnoses of root cause. Often, customers blame the developer before assessing the problem. They are reacting in crises mode, despite the fact, they may have caused they’re problem with inappropriate setups caused by inexperience, lack of training or technical talent.

But in the end it doesn’t matter who is at fault. There is a problem that needs to be addressed and there is a solution that needs to be diagnosed and implemented. Blaming is a waste of valuable time and energy. Understand the source of the emotion and stay away from blame assessment. Stay professional and focused on working a plan of action, which leads to…

2. Focus on the issue and not the emotions. Find a way to take emotions out of the equation and channel the energy into diagnosing root cause. One very effective way to accomplish this, is to ask the right questions.

Asking the right questions channels the customer’s energy back to the challenge and takes the attention off the crippling emotions. Asking the right questions also helps development bring closure that much quicker.

It’s important to remember, the customer is looking for the developer to take control and leadership of the technical problem. If development stays calm and focused on the task at hand, so will the customer. And that’s a good thing.

3. Prioritize. Rarely are system problems caused by just one thing. Environmental failures are often caused by a chain of factors. Concentrate resources and bandwidth on the issue that is causing the most amount of damage. Triage the remaining challenges.

For example, if there are five critical issue’s impacting the customers ability to conduct business as usual, then team and partner with the customer to help prioritize the order in which issue’s are addressed. This will set expectations for both sides. Setting expectations is managing and controlling the problem. This leads to more manageable stress levels.

4. Work a plan of action. Be clear who owns the next step in diagnosing the problem. Not only does it need to be clear who owns the next action item, but it’s also important to set expectations on when the action item is to be completed.

For example, if the customer is asked to supply information, it needs to be clear when this information is going to be available. Likewise, if development is analyzing this information, there needs to be a time frame communicated in which development will provide an update on the current status. Working an effective plan of action keeps the issue moving forward and that much closer to resolution. Small successes lead to lower stress levels and ultimately, resolution.

These are just a few things that can help alleviate the pressure and stress of working in a high tech environment. They translate well in personal relationships well. Just don’t ask your significant other to apply a code patch to fix her personality.

Article by Robert Hunt

10 Money Habits To Kick To The Curb

Remember the movie “Groundhog Day,” the one where Bill Murray kept reliving the same day? Some people live their financial lives like that, making the same mistakes over and over.

But you don’t have to be one of them.

To help you avoid being a repeat offender, here are 10 of the common money errors that many of us make repeatedly, along with the real-world cost of each and a better way to handle each situation.

* Spending without a budget.

* Carrying a balance on credit cards.

* Ignoring interest rates.

* Not investigating disability insurance.

* Failing to see how little purchases add up.

* Not matching employer’s contribution to retirement.

* Waiting until the last minute to fund IRA.

* Paying everyone else, saving “what’s left.”

* Not managing your investments.

* Getting emotional about your investments.

Spending without a budget

Many times when people think of financial planning, they think only in terms of investments, says John K. Ritter, CFP, co-owner of Ritter Daniher Financial Advisory in Cincinnati. But if you have income and bills, you also need a budget. Too many times, “there is more outgo than income,” he says.

The cost: Your financial peace of mind and the ability to plan long-term. “Easily, I would think people misstate what they think they are spending by every bit of 15% to 20%,” says Ritter.

Instead: Keep track of what you spend to get an idea of where your money is going. “The key is to account for those things that aren’t regular bills — groceries, entertainment dollars,” he says.

And set a little aside for one-time emergencies, like car repairs, a broken washing machine or a trip to the emergency room. People tend to leave those kinds of expenses out of a budget because they tend to be one-offs. “What they don’t tag is that there are always one-time expenses,” says Ritter.

Carrying a balance on credit cards

Interest rates can be 18% to 21% or more, says Annette Simon, CFP, principal with Mosaic Wealth Management in Bethesda, Md. “People making minimum payments never get the thing paid off,” she says.

Another way to think of it: Treat yourself to a nice dinner, and 20 years from now you’ll still be paying for it. “In general, carrying a balance on your cards is a terrible idea,” she says.

The cost: If you have a $5,000 balance on a card with an 18% annual percentage rate, or APR, it will take 26 years to pay if you just make the minimums. Including interest, you’ll end up shelling out more than $12,000. (And that’s assuming you never use it again, make every payment on time and don’t incur any fees.)

Instead: Pay balances in full each month. If you need to use a credit card to handle an emergency (medical bills and car repairs, not a quickie vacation), use it, then stop using credit until you have that bill paid.

Ignoring interest rates

Whether it’s your money market rate or what you could get on a mortgage refinancing loan, it pays to keep up with the current prices of borrowing and lending money, says Beth Gamel, CPA/PFS, an executive vice president with Pillar Financial Advisors in Waltham, Mass.

The cost: Lost income if you could have been getting a higher rate of return on your CDs or money market account. Higher mortgage payments if you don’t take advantage of lower mortgage rates.

Instead: Stay abreast of the interest trends that impact your personal finances.

Not investigating disability insurance

“Anyone earning an income and supporting themselves needs disability insurance,” says Simon. More than 20 million people sustained disabling injuries in 2002, according to the National Safety Council.

The cost: If something keeps you out of work for a few weeks or months, disability insurance could mean the difference between cutting back on a few expenses while you get back on your feet or moving in with family or friends.

Instead: Coverage can be expensive, so find out if your employer offers any kind of plan. If not, do you have the savings to support yourself for a couple of months if you couldn’t work? If the answer is no, shop around, and see if you can find a policy in your price range.

Failing to recognize how much little purchases add up

Small amounts, like small leaks, can really drain your wallet. Analyze everything from those nonessential snacks to out-of-network ATM charges to those extra phone plan minutes you’re not using.

The cost: If you’re like most people, this costs a good chunk of your paycheck.

Instead: Take the records of your cash purchases and lay them side-by-side with your debit and credit card statements to get a complete picture of where you’re spending, says Jill Hollander, CFP, president of Financial Connections Group Inc. in Berkeley, Calif. The questions to ask, she says, is: “Where are you spending that money, and does it make sense?”

Not taking advantage of an employer match for retirement funds

One of the biggest mistakes that lots and lots of people make, especially young people, is not investing in their employer’s retirement plan at least up to the point where they get the employer’s match,” says Simon. “By not doing that they’re leaving additional income on the table.”

The cost: An additional 3% to 5% of your salary annually. Plus a few decades of compounding interest.

Instead: Figure out how much you can afford to contribute, and have the money taken out of your check.

Waiting until the last minute to fund your IRA

“A lot of people wait until April instead of setting aside throughout the year, then they don’t have the money,” says Hollander.

The cost: A more comfortable retirement. Contributing $4,000 annually to a Roth IRA (and estimating a 5% return) will result in roughly $89,000 in 15 years. With the same terms, $1,000 a year leaves you with a little more than $22,000.

Instead: Put away a certain amount regularly until you hit the contribution limit, Hollander says. “We have clients who put away $500 a month until they reach the maximum,” she says.

Paying everyone else then saving ‘whatever is left’

The cost: If all you’ve saved is scraps here and there, that’s what you’ll have at retirement.

Instead: Pay yourself first, say Hollander. Take at least 5% to 10% of your check to max out your retirement plan, she says. After that, save outside the retirement plan. Unless you’re starting young, “the reality is that just saving in a 401(k) today is not going to potentially be enough money to retire on,” says Hollander.

Not managing your investments

You’re saving the money. But you also want to make sure your nest egg is diversified and that you have earning goals for various aspects of your portfolio. “Everyone’s target is going to be different,” says Ritter. The problem is that too many people aren’t making the attempt.

The cost: Balancing and managing your investments can mean the difference between a good year and a bad year, Ritter says. He recalls reading one study of mutual fund investors who focused solely on blue chip investments and saw a 2.5% return on their money in 2005, while those who were more diversified earned almost 6%. Add in compounding interest year after year and that gives you an idea of the real cost, he says.

Instead: Look at your holdings like the pieces of a puzzle. Why do you have various assets, and what purpose do they serve toward your goal? What are your goals for each asset, as well as your investments as a whole? Is your portfolio meeting those expectations?

Getting emotional about your investments

Two big mistakes: People fall in love with their investments and hang onto them “beyond the point where they should,” or, when the investment starts going down in value, “greed kicks in” and they want to hang on until it bounces back, says Simon. Neither strategy is smart.

The cost: “In a down market, like 2000 to 2002, people lost a lot,” says Simon. “It wasn’t unusual for people to come in and their portfolios were down 50% to 80%.”

Instead: When it comes to timing the market, “nobody can do it,” she says. “The smart thing is to invest in a very diversified way. It isn’t sexy, but it works.”

By Dana Dratch, Bankrate.com

How To Tell If Someone Is Lying To You

Here are some techniques and observations that should alert you when someone may be attempting to deceive you. Knowing how to tell if someone is being less than truthful can be useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.

Signs of Deception:
Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.

• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.

• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says “I love it!” when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.
Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn’t do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid “lying” by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you… they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.
Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.

• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.

Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.

source: blifaloo.com

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About…

The Self Made Scholar website has a directory of free on-line classes of audio, video, email, and text-based courses – all of which are available without spending a dime. Categories range from acting and theater, genealogy and learning guitar to investing, screen writing and technology. I’ve been trying to learn French and the courses available have given me a pretty decent start.

Worth checking out: Self Made Scholar

Type A Personality Test

Do you know how to relax? Are you satisfied with the world around you? Are you competitive? Hostile? Find out whether your drive is too extreme or well balanced by the ability to take it easy with the Type A Personality Test. This test is designed to evaluate whether you display Type A, Type B or Type C behavior.

Type A Personality Test

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Professor Chris Idzikowski, director of the UK Sleep Assessment and Advisory Service analysed six common sleeping positions - and found that each is linked to a particular personality type.

Foetus

Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.

Log

Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.

Yearner

People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.

Soldier

Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don’t like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.

Freefall

Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don’t like criticism, or extreme situations.

Starfish

Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don’t like to be the centre of attention.

The remainder of those in the poll said the position they fell asleep varied or did not know.

Professor Idzikowski also examined the effect of various sleeping positions on health. He concluded that the freefall position was good for digestion, while the starfish and soldier positions were more likely to lead to snoring and a bad night’s sleep.

Professor Idzikowski said “Lying down flat means that stomach contents can more readily be worked back up into the mouth, while those who lie on their back may end up snoring and breathing less well during the night. “Both these postures may not necessarily awaken the sleeper but could cause a less refreshing night’s sleep.”

The research also found that most people are unlikely to change their sleeping position. Just 5% said they sleep in a different position every night.

Source: BBC News

Getting Out Of Your Way: Overcoming Self Defeating Behaviors

As Warren Buffet said to a University of Washington audience several years ago regarding how he and Bill Gates became so successful: “Everybody here has the ability to do anything I do and much beyond. Some of you will, and some of you won’t. For those who won’t, it will be because you get in your own way, not because the world doesn’t allow you to.”

Do you know the difference between a calamity and a tragedy? A calamity–like an earthquake, tsunami, hurricane or flood–is an unavoidable disaster. A tragedy–like getting killed because you weren’t wearing your seat belt, or in the deaths of Romeo and Juliet–appears preventable. That’s what makes it tragic.

One of the greatest tragedies in your professional life is coming to the end of your career–something you often put more time into than your marriage, your family or your health–and discovering that it has been mediocre and then realizing that it was nobody else’s fault. You did it to yourself. What you could have prevented, you failed to avoid because you got in your own way.

Forget about excuses such as you don’t have enough education, or you’re never in the right place at the right time, or you’re stuck in a dead-end job. How much potential success have you and your subordinates already missed out on by engaging in self-defeating behaviors such as taking things too personally, not learning from your mistakes or not preparing? In fact, how much of a positive difference would it make in your and their careers if you all could overcome the most common self-defeating behaviors?

SDBs as Obstacles

What exactly is self-defeating behavior (SDB), and why do intelligent people engage in it when it is so injurious to their careers?

Self-defeating behavior is any repetitive behavior that derails you from moving forward in life. Why do you engage in this behavior? SDBs are distress relievers. Stress and distress are different. Stress occurs when your mental, physical, psychological and emotional faculties are under pressure from a challenge, a setback or some other adversity. Stress actually helps you to grow, sharpen your skills and perform increasingly better under pressure.

Distress occurs when the pressure in any of these areas is so overwhelming that your focus switches from pursuing your goals to seeking immediate relief. All SDBs relieve or distract you from being distressed, but derail you from achieving your long-term objectives. Don’t want to buckle down and work on a project when you have a three-day weekend to do it? What harm could it cause to save it until the last day?

Self-defeating behavior hurts you in more ways than you know. Your competitors who manage or deal more effectively with distress pass you by. As superiors lose faith and confidence in you, as well as respect for you, promotions and pay raises also pass you by. Since others depend on what you do, you become the weak and resented link in the chain. You sacrifice energy by having to concoct excuses to give your superiors and co-workers. Then you bludgeon your self-esteem by feeling embarrassed, foolish and ashamed.

Where does self-defeating behavior begin? No doubt temperament and family genetics play a role–the nature of personality. But nurture plays an equally important role. Throughout childhood you are constantly stepping into the unknown–from sleeping through the night to sleepovers, from taking your first step to starting your first day in nursery school, from attending primary and secondary school to going away to college. When those steps go well, you feel vital, vigorous and master of your own fate. But when you step and fall flat on your face, you’re stunned, confused and fearful. When your negative responses to those setbacks repeat themselves, they become hardwired into self-defeating behavior.

SDB in the Workplace

The most obvious manifestation of SDB in the workplace is that goals are repeatedly set and not met. Productivity, results and growth come to a standstill or decline. Even more destructive to the company is when solidly performing people–those without SDBs–feel frustrated by those who do engage in SDBs and these high performers leave the organization.

Do you or your employees engage in SDBs that impede productivity and success? The following are common SDBs in the workplace:

* Procrastinating. This impairs your performance and causes others who depend on you to do your work in a timely manner to resent you. Few things impair your reputation and your chances for promotion or better pay more than procrastination.

* Not delegating. To get ahead, you often take on increasing responsibility and try to do it all yourself. You believe it’s easier than training someone and preferable to letting someone else do something beneath your standard. But instead of achieving more, you end up spreading yourself too thin, and the quality of your work goes down.

* Not listening. When you talk much more than you listen, you are setting yourself up to be resented, rooted against and defied. Then, your subordinates and supervisors avoid seeking your input to hash out and solve problems.

* Getting defensive. When you take things personally that aren’t meant that way, you appear easier to upset than you are to please. People start walking on eggshells around you. Then they begin to avoid you, and success avoids you too.

* People pleasing. If you sacrifice being respected for being liked, you won’t be either. When others respect you, they want you to respect them too. When you’re merely liked, too often you are taken advantage of by people who are trying to please the people they respect.

* Fear of learning new things. Many people harbor a secret fear that they haven’t learned anything since high school and can’t learn new things. They don’t want to have this flaw exposed. So, they continue to avoid learning new skills and exasperate people around them.

These types of SDBs take people off track and off task, resulting in work that is of a lower quality and that isn’t submitted on time. Since most people in the workplace work interdependently, the productivity of an entire group can be adversely affected if a “weak link” individual is engaging in an SDB. This can then have a snowball effect as others become frustrated and either have to confront this individual or engage in their own SDBs.

Overcoming SDB

You are most motivated to overcome an SDB when you are lying facedown in the negative consequences of engaging in one–for example, a missed promotion, a lost client or a lost job, perhaps due to procrastination, not being prepared or some other SDB.

Rather than blame others, duck your culpability or make excuses for it, let go of your denial and anger toward others and yourself. Take out an index card, write down the following and fill in the blanks:

“If I had this to do over again, instead of what I did, I would have done ______. If I had done ______, it would have prevented these negative consequences because __________. The best way to catch myself before I engage in this SDB and then try this alternate behavior would be to __________.”

When you are next in a distressed state, take the card out, read it and heed it before you engage in the same SDB.

How do you help others get out of their own way? Try this 10-step plan:

* Step 1. Think of the people you interact with and select individuals whose performance most directly affects you and also whose performance is most directly affected by you, whom we will refer to as “stakeholders.” (Think ahead of time of people you interact with who also are motivated to develop themselves professionally. It would be self-defeating to select people that you know will adamantly refuse.)

* Step 2. Approach these stakeholders and tell them you have committed yourself to working on your professional development and would like their assistance. (By owning up to your own SDBs and making a commitment to overcome them, you trigger “reciprocal humility” and willingness in others to do the same.)

* Step 3. Select no more than two SDBs that you engage in and believe most significantly hinder your performance. To help select them, seek the input of trusted friends and family members who want you to succeed. Also, select SDBs that you believe your stakeholders engage in that negatively affect you (to be used in step 9).

* Step 4. Ask your stakeholders if they agree with your choice of an SDB to work on or whether they would select a different behavior that you should focus on to improve the results of your working together.

* Step 5. Figure out with your stakeholders what your “new and improved” behavior would look like so that you and they can tell if and when you’re making progress.

* Step 6. Set up a regular time every two weeks to informally check in with your stakeholders to see how you are progressing, and make refinements and adjustments as needed.

* Step 7. Enthusiastically invite them to join you in overcoming some of their SDBs and suggest that you hold each other accountable and become each other’s stakeholders.

* Step 8. Ask them to select two SDBs that they would like to overcome.

* Step 9. Or, if they would prefer, tell them you’ll select SDBs that you see them engaging in that you believe are lowering your productivity together.

* Step 10. As you and they both make progress in overcoming the identified SDBs, select additional ones to work on.

Recovering from SDB

The most important thing for you to do when you implement this plan is to be patient. Old habits and SDBs die hard. Try to keep in mind that it takes 21 days for a change in behavior to become a habit and a minimum of six months to a year for a habit to become internalized and integrated into your personality.

Take heart: Just as there are few things that make you feel worse than wasting your potential by engaging in self-defeating behaviors, few things make you feel better than overcoming them.

MARK GOULSTON, M.D., IS A PSYCHIATRIST AND SPECIALIST IN APPLIED EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. HE IS AN ASSISTANT CLINICAL PROFESSOR AT UCLA NEUROPSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTE (RETIRED) AND IS THE AUTHOR OF GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY AT WORK AND HELP OTHERS DO THE SAME (PUTNAM, 2005), WHICH PROVIDES A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF 40 SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIORS AND HOW TO OVERCOME THEM. HE CAN BE REACHED AT WWW.MARKGOULSTON.COM.

Improve Your Relationships With Three Powerful Words

Less is more… and there’s no better truth to this when you want to express sincerity in your relationships. How many times have you been upset with somebody regardless of fault and wish you could bring healing or more depth to the relationship? The following phrases can do just that. Next time you take someone for granted or don’t feel appreciated… remind yourself of three powerful words.

I’ll Be There

If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a sick child to hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles from home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase ” I’ll be there. ” Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we’re truly present for other people, important things happen to them & us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.

I Miss You

Perhaps more marriages could be saved & strengthened if couples simply & sincerely say to each other “I miss you.” This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired & loved. Consider how ecstatic you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call from your spouse in the middle of your workday, just to say “I miss you.”

I Respect You / I Trust You

Respect and trust is another way of showing love. Its conveys the feeling that another person is a true equal. If you talk to your children as if they were adults you will strengthen the bonds & become close friends. This applies to all interpersonal relationships

Maybe You’re Right

This phrase is highly effective in diffusing an argument and restoring frayed emotions. The flip side to “maybe you’re right” is the humility of admitting maybe “I’m wrong”. Let’s face it. When you have a heated argument with someone, all you do is cement the other person’s point of view. They, or you, will not change their stance and you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between you. Saying “maybe you’re right” can open the door to further explore the subject, in which you may then have the opportunity to get your view across in a more rational manner.

Please Forgive Me

Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own up that he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

I Thank You

Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don’t take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

Count On Me

A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship; it is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there indicating “you can count on me.”

Let Me Help

The best of friends see a need and try to fill it. When they spot a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they pitch in and help.

I Understand You

People become closer and enjoy each other more if they feel the other person accepts and understands them. Letting your spouse know in so many little ways that you understand them, is one of the most powerful tools for healing relationship. This applies to any relationship.

Go For It

We are all unique individuals. Don’t try to get your friends to conform to your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how weird they seem to you. Everyone has dreams, dreams that are unique to that person only. Support and encourage your friends to follow their dreams. Tell them to “go for it.”

I Love You

Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. Telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person’s deepest emotional needs. The need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted. Your spouse, your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three little words “I love you.”

Author Unknown

A Picture Paints A Thousand Words…

It’s called your visual DNA. Imagini has developed a website that introduces a new way to communicate using images. The concept is to collect a group of images to sum up how you feel and what you like across each area of your life. The goal is to map your visual DNA with thousands across the globe and introduce new ways to help understand and communicate with others.

Learn about your Visual DNA here.

Different Drummers

People are different in fundamental ways. They want different things; they have different motives, purposes, aims, values, needs, drives, impulses, urges. Nothing is more fundamental than that. They believe differently: they think, cognize, conceptualize, perceive, understand, comprehend, and cogitate differently.

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague. If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right — for me.

To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.

The point of this book is that people are different from each other, and that no amount of getting after them is going to change them. Nor is there any reason to change them, because the differences are probably good, not bad.

Read more here: Excerpted from Please Understand Me II

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